16 - A God, Realising

Lin

I dreamed I had returned to my abusers last night.

Everything looked too sunny, too good to be true.

If I'm honest, I was waiting for the shine to wear off.

It didn't, but I didn't stay asleep long enough to find out.

But I do remember something, that I felt between the states of sleeping and waking. Something happened on the 4th of September. I was in someone else's car in handcuffs, driving down a flyover.

I don't know what happened, but whatever happened, it wasn't good.

I'm pretty sure that I wasn't supposed to remember that, but I did.

I'm a God of Time. No matter how hard you try, you can't take away my memory.

That whole dream was a circus show. I was even thinking about when one of the patriarchs of the family died, as apparently that's how long I hadn't seen them for.

I didn't go to his funeral though, which means that something must have happened that I don't remember.

This is what's annoying about being in a system, and especially when you're a front - if stuff happens that is believed to be things you can't handle, the system pushes you out of consciousness and sometimes fills the holes to ensure that you don't see anything out of the ordinary.

Don't do that. We're not cult prisoners any more.

Yes, it's a defence mechanism, but it's awkward, especially when you're trying to tell the police what happened.

Telling the police is a choice, yes, but I'd rather have a cohesive version of events to tell the police as opposed to them having to guess what else happened if I can't remember it.

I realise now that to an extent, I had to enjoy some of the life I had with my abusers, or we wouldn't have survived.

Too much trauma in one block can drive you off the edge.

Even so, I wish I had been told as time went on what exactly had gone on.

Because even now, I feel like an outsider to my own history.

Erebus rubs his head against my knee, before deciding to hop onto me and curl up on my thigh. I scratch behind his ears and stroke his back.

At least I'm not alone.

Nyx is on the other side of my lap, nuzzling into my black jeans.

She always seemed to like denim for some reason.

I snag a crisp out of my Pringles can, then notice something appear on the nemeton. Erebus and Nyx leap off of my lap and stare curiously. Upon closer inspection, I see a ring topped with a rose, and a horse statue. I can't help but cackle.

Maman!

She sent me food before, but hadn't sent long lasting gifts. I suppose this was her way of saying-

"Don't think that I've forgotten about you."

I'd never assume that she had, and I know that I invoked her name when I cast a spell last night, so I suppose she responded in kind.

Her, my aunt and my father have been especially generous as of late.

I ponder what I can give her in return. Trawling through my offerings, I find a silver compass ring. 

Perfect.

Then, I fill a small bowl with Pringles.

That'll probably do, and make her laugh.

I leave them on my offering altar in the nemeton, and watch them asport.

I miss my family. I hope they're ok.

I think they'd want me to be ok too.

Rolling my shoulders, I open up Uber Eats.

I'll be ok today. See you on Samhain.




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