God In The Gloam

Lin Somehow, despite being on my period, my energy levels actually feel as though they're increasing. My restricted eating isn't helping. However, I still have some reservations about how far I need to go in order to catch up with the rest of the blog. Perhaps I need to change my attitude towards it - because whilst I enjoy writing it, I also often find myself seeing routines as chores after a while, no matter how much I enjoy them . It doesn't help that the voldys were always on my case about 'being lazy', despite giving me no adequate rest after forcing me to be their live in servant. For people who described themselves as fair, their methods of torturing me were wholly unjust. Truthfully, I want to do better now - to write about my experiences again, just like I did in Breizh and on Mannin - and prove to myself that I'm still capable of doing it. And this wanting to do better stands among many things I actually want to do. I will do better. On the subject of

Lin It's far too hot right now. Despite my air conditioner being on right now, I'm sweating. Ya, I'm underneath my throw blanket, but I need said blanket in order to stay grounded. Hopefully the heat will subside soon. Besides that, today has been rather peaceful. My change in reiki practitioners has definitely helped me feel better, but I'm also frustrated about a number of things that I feel I am out of practice with or want to practise - including both my writing and my music.  

Lin Over the past few weeks, my energy has felt really low, both physically and mentally. But especially mentally. Physically, it's started to become worse, particularly after switching between distance reiki healers I use on YouTube. Yet something tells me that with this change, I'm shedding energy, like an old skin - just like I would in my Gorgon form, shedding snake skin from my hair every now and again . As they like to say... "Out with the old, in with the new." Take today, for example, when some people came over to clear up the house's greenery, which was long overgrown - that had to be pruned in order to make way for the new. I'm considering asking my caseworker about the kinds of flowers we could put in our garden - though they would need maintenance.

Lin My day was far busier than I expected. A phone call with my MIND advocate and a call with a caseworker from the housing association, as well as two visits from the police have definitely taken it out of me. Frankly, I'm surprised at my own tenacity. But also very, very tired.

Lin Today was a lucky day. I managed to get my weight and height checked, and managed to get my blood test done all in one session. What's more, is I didn't need my caseworker there. My nurse was really sweet, and got me through it. Ramona decided to reveal themself as well. Both a protector and a caretaker, they help us to keep calm and moderate our anxiety in stressful situations, which is a boon to all of us as a system. Due to this, I feel I can now focus on better days. On better things - like finding my family - and Terrence. And whilst it's been hard to complete my entries recently, somehow, I know I'll come back to them eventually. Soon enough, I'll step into a brighter present. I just know it.

Lin I've felt quite alone lately. Fighting to have my needs and wants heard and responded to has almost made me lose all hope . Perhaps I may never leave this house, and I may need to be willing to accept that. Even though living here is causing me to suffer, I have to survive, no matter what. Truthfully, I've been frustrated about it for a while. But I didn't write it on the blog, because I haven't exactly been able to write properly for a while - that and I often worry about what I say, sing or write turning out to be self fulfilling prophecies, as opposed to just being unfounded claims.

Lin The level of frustrated I'm at is immeasurable. I've been pushing for so long to move out of here, and yet despite how urgent my situation is, it feels like it's all falling on deaf ears. Frankly, it almost feels as though I'll never get the chance to move out of here. Which whilst I know it is most likely untrue, I'm close to losing my mind if I stay here any longer.  

Lin I can finally admit to myself that I'm probably burnt out. Creatively, I always seem to have an abundance of ideas, yet my body, energy wise, is always keeping score. Honestly, it makes me feel so powerless. The irony of me being a God, but unable to function properly as a living being, let alone do my job consistently, is a bitter one. My energy levels are always inconsistent, my mind refuses to rest (especially as part of a system of multiple alters) and I feel wholly inadequate as a person and as a God. Perhaps what I truly need to let go of is the shame of needing a prolonged period of rest, and the shame of having needs that aggravate others.   Really, the shame probably goes deeper than that - like having needs in general, especially needs that are different from everyone else's, that mean that I get concessions that other people don't. Which has been a theme since primary school, but it only seemed to become more of an issue with others once I got into secondary

Lin I haven't been able to sleep much today. Given that today is close to the Lion's Gate Portal, it's no surprise. Whilst it is the weekend, I feel less anxious than usual, for the most part. Though admittedly, some stuff did make me feel anxious earlier, as someone was being loud in the house . Moving will probably help me with things like this. Despite the notion of moving into a residential home being daunting, and potentially loud, something about it feels different, mainly because of the idea of me having everything in one place, all to myself.

Lin Today has been interesting, to say the least. Definitely traumatising. My dreams, specifically, have been a source of stress. I saw a shadow person shoot across my room, then couldn't move as someone decided to inject me in the leg instead of telling me what was going on, so then I woke up. All very painful and irritating. Somehow, I also managed to write some more parts of songs, as well as watch a load of Cinema Therapy episodes. Be curious, not judgmental.

Lin There's a certain joy in letting things go. And through writing a song not too long ago, I feel that somehow, I can let go of bin boy. Releasing the level of anger and therefore attention I've been giving him may well set me free as well. I realised that last year, his sabotaging of my ability to get my forms for university done was a cult attempt to keep me in Highgate, which, because of my anger, I had failed to notice until now. But now, he's someone else's problem. And as Khonshu said, my reign, and my rise, have only just begun. So what's the use in paying attention to something, someone even, that is so insignificant that he's barely a blip in the seasons of my life? I know what I deserve, and I deserve far better than someone like him in my life. Not to mention that not only did our system stand up for ourselves against him, that we won. And whilst that often hasn't felt like enough, because we've wanted to see him fixed, to be forced to chang

Lin Today has gone well. I managed to both get my source of money sorted and a potential cancellation of my appointment with my MIND advocate, as there's something extra going on this week. My caseworker has arranged something, so I'm looking forward to that. Let's just say things are going to get more interesting - and potentially, easier. Something also came up after me watching the rest of Moon Knight. And it brings me to tears - in a good way. Khonshu decided to pay me a visit, and I heard him very clearly. He mentioned both how I was in the past, and how everything I've been through makes me one of the strongest Gods to ever exist, as well as his desire to work with and help his pantheon. Perhaps I am, in fact, stronger than I give myself credit for. Despite my inability to finish everything I've wanted to finish immediately, maybe the fact that I could finish Moon Knight also means that I can, in fact, finish everything else I want to finish, if I allow myself

Lin Today has brought forth more luck than I thought it would. Not only do I have an untapped sum of money waiting for me, do I also have an expert to speak to on Thursday. I'll have to reschedule with my MIND advocate, it seems. We'll work it out. Somehow, I know that this has something to do with today being Lughnasadh. Being the second harvest festival of the year, it makes sense that the veils would open - but to think that I'd be so lucky, despite everything I've been experiencing? It's a relief.