God In The Gloam

Lin I spoke to my new neighbour for the first time today. She's actually really sweet! We had a conversation alongside our caseworkers, and I now feel incredibly safe knowing that this person is my neighbour. Somehow, I know that this person is mature and reasonable, and so I know that whatever I need to be adhered to by this person will be. Heck, I may even have a new friend. Also, weirdly, the light bulb in the passageway to mine and my new neighbour's kitchen has now been replaced, filling the corridor with bright ambience. That light has been out for over six months until now, so it's a major relief for it to be back on. I just went to check my mail, and it seems that the council is attempting to get me into employment. Truth be told, I'm not ready yet for that kind of change, but now that I'm beginning to regain some confidence and a desire to take care of myself properly again, I feel it would be marvellous for me to at least consider it. A similar message see

Lin So I just woke up from yet another dream involving voldy jnr and bugs buzzing for no fucking reason. Keep in mind that I say this because there is a reason that I can't figure out, and it's getting on my tits. The dream basically entailed me having what was expressed to be Filipino food (though I'm skeptical now), followed by going to and leaving an Ariana Grande concert because the crowds were trying to crush us, and I didn't want to die. The voldys were very nasty and gaslighty about it in response, and then voldy jnr had the nerve to rip part of a page in one of my books. When she did, I remember actively holding back on punching her, and counting how many times would be acceptable. It was incredibly annoying, but there must be some spiritual reason for it. Once I had done this, they left to go and see Ariana properly, and I was left in the house, and ended up sleeping. I had a dream within a dream in which I tried to open curtains, which only led to me seeing an

Lin In the end, I didn't go and see my nice neighbour last night. Honestly, I wanted to, but I felt that it would be better for me to prioritise resting and adjusting to my new neighbour's antics. I had been crying, so I needed the sleep anyway. I will meet up with him again, though. That is a promise that I will keep. Also, my new neighbour made a bit of a mess of the kitchen last night. Truthfully, it wasn't as bad as the mess that bin boy or fashion rat made of the kitchen in the past, but it did bother me slightly. Admittedly, this neighbour has been very noisy as well. My thought about it all is that I should just approach it with love, and do my best to give this person the benefit of the doubt. It's likely that a terrible concept of boundaries has been taught to them from childhood, but they can learn. Some of my things had been used in the mess, so I'll make sure that during the meeting, my boundaries are made very clear. Given that I didn't initially sp

Lin Today has been quiet. Part of me wants to share an ancestral discovery I made today, but I get the sense that it's not the right time to do so. For a while, I've lived with the worry that speaking about my myriad of ancestral lines from many different cultures would get me harassed, so for now, until the social climate shows some form of maturity and understanding for nuance, I will keep this truth to myself. Right now, I will focus on my own peace. I get the sense that today, I will prosper. Somehow, I just know I will. I'm also supposed to be seeing my nice neighbour tonight, as far as I know, so that'll be fun. We actually had a short conversation yesterday, which was fabulous. He didn't mention seeing me though, so maybe he forgot. And now I'm finally able to admit something else to myself. I am plagued by the idea of being dirty. Years of being told that I was dirty and that I stank, combined with punishments and reprimanding for taking too long in the

Lin I'm much more relaxed today. Probably because yesterday I was in serious need of a rest. I had a call with my caseworker, and we're arranging for me to meet with my new neighbour on Tuesday in a proper appointment, so that we can set some ground rules. Somehow, I feel like this person is a lot more chill than bin boy is, even though we haven't yet seen each other properly. The weekend is sure going to be interesting. I'm supposed to be seeing my nice neighbour after a long time, so I'm curious to see how I react to hanging out with him again. Altogether, I'm feeling really positive. I do have one thing on my mind, though. I read a myth this morning that tells a great number of lies about Celtic culture before Christianity, and on behalf of my Irish and Manx ancestors, I cannot help but feel anger. This myth reduced our people to thieves and murderers, who would eternally be doomed to steal from the living, particularly from Christians, and to take innocent l

Lin So I have a new neighbour in the room next to me. Nobody told me that this person would be moving in, so I'm a little bit unsettled. It sounds as though their situation was an emergency move though, so it's likely that they're in a similar situation to the one I was in when I first moved. For now, it looks as though we'll both be adjusting. Part of me is admittedly nervous, because it now means that I'll have to share a kitchen with this person. But I'll only know what kind of a person they are once I actually have a conversation with them. I'm sure we'll get along splendidly. One of the other caseworkers did reassure me that this person was genuinely kind and polite by their experiences of them, so I'm probably in wonderful hands. Given that I spoke to a housing officer yesterday, I'm pretty sure that I'll be getting news of a potential move soon. I did tell her that I wanted it to be as soon as possible, so it's likely that as soon

Lin Something incredible is going to happen to me today. I can feel it. I am relaxed in the faith that I will be rewarded. It feels as though room has been made for something, as both my caseworker and my housing officer have cancelled their appointments with me. Now that I've returned from a small interlude, I have more to add. My housing officer rescheduled our appointment so I ended up speaking with them today, and it sounds like they're going to try to move me as soon as possible. And given that I have more than one borough who is responsible for me, it makes sense that they would both be called on regardless of the situation. I'm excited, honestly. We're getting somewhere. Heck, I may end up finding out that I'll be moving very soon - and whilst it might surprise me, I know I'll be happy to move. I even spoke about the potential support and kind of housing that I could get as a result, and I know that would genuinely help me. When I do move, I want to make

Lin I had my first mental health assessment today. From what I could gather, my mental health practitioner seems to want a great deal of information surrounding how the voldys treated me in order to best treat me, which makes sense. Honestly, I don't care for talking about the voldys, but if it's a need, I'll do it. I was actually very relaxed in there, which was not what I was expecting. It is very good, though. I was very loose lipped as well. At least I kept the godly part to myself. It could have gone south very quickly had I mentioned that. She basically gave me homework to do over the next two weeks until I see her again so she can get some clarity about how I see everything and what happened to me. There is a lot, so the timeframe actually really helps. I already dig deep a lot as it is, so I'll be able to tell her a lot. She will have more than one piece of paper by the end of this. Speaking of digging, I realised something else about myself this morning, which

Lin I actually managed to eat a full meal in one go today. Whilst I did struggle initially in getting myself to do it, I know now that it's something to be proud of. I admit that I am nervous about tomorrow, but I also know that it'll most likely change my life for the better. Plus, I'll also have my caseworker there with me. So if anything happens, I won't be alone. What's more is that I came into some money yesterday that could get me through the rest of the month, which would be really helpful. I will need my caseworker to go to the post office with me to claim it, though. I'm not sure I'm in a position to go out on my own right now. Somehow, I feel like good things are coming my way. I managed to let go of some baggage yesterday, which I really needed to. They say to open some doors, you have to shut others. And it seems that I have. I'm lucky to be in the position I'm in right now. Everything works out for me. I've also been getting communic

Lin Today I figured out a very harsh story that I'd been trying to pretend I wasn't telling myself, and it seems that it has been curbing my attempts at getting help. I realise now that I internalised a combination of having to be useful and having to be happy in order to be seen as worthy of my own existence. Now I know it's not true, but the voldys sure liked to leverage what pressure they could to guilt me into looking happy for the sake of their public image. Because if I came off as happy, they could pass themselves off as good parents whether it was exposed that they kidnapped me or not. I understand now that none of it is true, and that I deserve to love myself in spite of it feeling like my whole life hinges on whether or not I look happy enough. And their abuse and neglect are the main reasons for my pain, not me myself. I see this clearly now. I spent so long living my life according to their convenience that I never felt that I was allowed to be unhappy, even if

Lin I had an interesting experience today with regards to dòngmâl energy. People always talk about how they tune into the Divine Masculine or Divine Feminine spiritually, but I've never heard of anyone describing what it is to tap into the energies of specifically that which is neither. I remember setting the intention to do so, then having this aqua energy wrap around me. It was beautiful. As I swayed with this energy, my body became very light, like all of the tension in my body had evaporated. That was when I realised what the essence of dòngmâl energy is: flow. To be dòngmâl is to embody the whole cycle and more. But most of all, to be dòngmâl is to just be. Nothing more, nothing less. I wrap my throw blanket around me, and Bormana ruffles my hair. Taking a nap? I nod, settling into a more comfortable position. She smiles and nods. Let me know if you need anything. She walks out, and my eyes grow heavy as I sink into slumber.

Lin After yesterday's entry, Bormana decided to stay at the nemeton with myself, Rhiannon and Mannanán. It wouldn't be surprising to me if she had only seen Borvo, her brother, for a while, as opposed to other Gods, whom she may have only encountered occasionally. I know of that kind of loneliness. Having her come here makes me, again, think of my own healing journey, and how much I have to clean up. The beliefs aren't just about greed and gluttony, or being too stubborn for abusers to control. Ideas surrounding cleanliness factor into all of this, too. Being raped did not help matters. Now that I know it's related to both this life's experiences and ancestral trauma, it feels much easier to take responsibility for. Because that idea of uncleanliness came from both Rome and the Ottomans. For Rome, it was a matter of crushing identity and undermining the native cultures they invaded. For the Ottomans, however, this came with religion. Which also explains why I have a

Lin So I've realised something about the struggles I've had with regards to eating. And it all links to my ancestry. My ancestors, the Gauls and Celts, revered wild boar and pigs as sacred animals, totems of strength, intelligence, empathy and respect.  Community based animals who take care of their own, much like our society. If you know what the symbology of pigs is now, you probably know where this is going. It also relates to how the Romans and Ottomans treated us, both Gaulish and Greek cultures, when they invaded our lands. Let me start first with Rome, given that this is the most relevant to the situation. The Romans, once they had seen us in battle, defending our home, defending our own, decided that it would be best for them to refer to us as barbarians, a people without law or honour. Ironically, we were defending that honour and were within our right to. The Romans were the ones with no morals. All you need to do is read their mythology. They used our reverence of th

Lin I actually managed to do a fair amount today. I managed to advocate for myself three times, for my radiator being fixed, and for two appointments to be turned into phone appointments. My caseworker also allowed me to use the fan heater again, as it seems that the entire ground floor has been affected by the lack of heating, including the office. One of the other caseworkers literally wrapped themself in a blanket because it was that cold. My period also decided to start today, so now I'm sitting here waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in so I'm able to sleep soundly. I ate a bit, so that should help. Last night, I spent most of watching both of The Incredibles movies back to back. I'd never watched them before whilst living with the voldys but now, I understand why. There's a massive team element within the family, they're consistently problem solving and there's a healthy but normal dynamic when they're within the realms of family time aside from fightin

Lin Somehow, I've managed to stay up all night into the afternoon. Usually, I'd be asleep now. I did get some food from a place I really like that does breakfast bagels, which is always a plus. It has helped to fill my belly until I see my caseworker. That is, if I do see them today. The weather has been very cold recently. Extremely cold. Whilst that's a good thing, the heating in my room has been temperamental. I'm sure it'll fix itself, though. I would sleep now, but I wouldn't be able to guarantee when I'd be waking up if I did. I have a feeling today might get cancelled anyway though, as there have been weather warnings for ice in the area, and it may make travelling awkward. I feel a motivation to make subliminals, but I also feel frozen, as if I can't. Maybe the experience making my last client's subliminal has something to do with it. Whatever it is, I shouldn't let it deter me. I'll be making whatever it is I want to make, and I'

Lin Today, I feel oddly at ease. I did sleep through most of the day, but I got a text from a person at the council about housing today, which is a huge step in the right direction. Soon, I'll no longer be in this house, and I'll be able to live within freedom of my own making. I am so grateful for this opportunity that I can feel the tears in my eyes. It's a massive relief. It's been more than three years. Now I can go home. Since last night and all of the healing I've done, it feels as though things are moving in the right direction. A ton of blocks have been shoved out of the way, and now I can get anything I want. Now that I've merged with Cecilia, I also feel her joy blossoming in this existence as much as mine. It's as though now the ability to experience happiness has been quadrupled. There is purple in this heart, and I can feel it, in the best way. Clearly I have healed something enormous. Whether I'll find out the full extent of that in the nea

Lin Last night was strange for me, but in the best way possible. I did my usual readings, then an archetype reading for myself, and I got one of the best cards ever. It felt like a huge compliment, as well as acknowledgement that yes, I do now rule the Sim. I had dreams in which someone had tried to sabotage the entire workings of the Sim, and I managed to stop it, which is also good. The more I allow myself to live, the better I feel. Each day, I feel myself gradually improving emotionally. My other dreams consisted of seeing a good friend onstage and eating. Weirdly though, I saw mrs voldy and voldy jnr, who I know aren't ancestrally related to me (I was using an ancestral subliminal), so it does make me wonder how well some of it works. It's most likely that my brain was just cleaning up anything that could hinder me from manifesting what I want. So that I can be jubilant. From what I can see, too, most of my issues surrounding loneliness have stemmed from where mercury has

Lin I feel very relaxed today. Last night was an interesting point to note, though. In my sleep, I dreamed that voldy jnr had been stalking me. I actually screamed at her to stop. It didn't deter her, but I'm sure ignoring her afterwards did. I also dreamt that I had a place to live with some other people, and I honestly don't know how I feel about it. I can't tell whether or not it was toxic, but somehow it felt like it was really chill at the same time. My main thing was I didn't want voldy jnr to follow me home, and it seems as though she didn't. It may very well be that she's stalking my social media though, so I ought to be careful what I post and where. When it gets to that point, though, I intend to able to contact my cousin again. I wanted to give them the chance to turn 18 before saying anything about what went on, as I don't want to ruin their childhood or sanctity around the voldys. Not that there was any sanctity to begin with, but I want the

Lin I got a little bit anxious about my money situation today. I had forgotten that I have a subscription to Squarespace for one of my websites (I believe it's one of my music websites), and so an investment of over £200 came out of my account for it. Luckily, I know that investment will come back to me tenfold, so I'll be fine. I bought myself a slushie whilst freaking out, and it turned out the cup is broken. But because I always enjoy slushies, I still see it as a win. Plus, it's less likely to melt now, as I have to drink it to prevent it from leaking, so I can fully enjoy it. I'm considering making an Essence for Philotes today. After she came to help me last night, I want to be able to give something back, and this could also help me increase my chances at getting more traction for my business, too. Rhiannon comes out of the main room and into the living room, and I can tell she knows I'm slightly more on edge than usual. Hey. You're safe. She wraps the th

Lin I'm currently eating a delicious pepperoni pizza.  After today, I deserve to. I managed to have an over the phone appointment with a doctor alongside my caseworker, which, by the sounds of it, will get me back in touch with the mental health department of the NHS, and get me a fit note for at least two months. I've needed this kind of intervention for a while now. Afterwards, I ended up having a very long nap, and dreaming about Spencer Charnas and Na'vi. It was actually really cool. Someone heard me sing from the stop motion department of our arts circle and wanted to work with me. Spencer was awesome, too. As well, I had a conversation with someone who was Na'vi about what species I was, particularly what skin colour they (I don't know who) found me to be. (It was blue.) I think she may have assumed I was Na'vi too, but I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was Sal. Then again, she probably figured, given that my skin wasn't blue whilst she wa

Lin I'm realising today how lucky I am. In spite of my obscurity, I now know that there are few people out there that hate me. Let's just put it this way: no one has yet made a proper hate train for me that has lasted. And I intend to keep it that way. I've been sleeping in a lot more recently. Realistically, I shouldn't, as I have both a doctor's appointment and a UC appointment to answer the phone to tomorrow, but I'm sure I'll work it out. My dreams have been very vivid. The subliminal I listen to has been very helpful in decreasing my anxiety, and aiding me in manifesting a better mindset, which is great - and it seems to have made my dreams pop out to me, too. All of the dreams I've had so far as a result that have been important have come from me listening to it. It's like cleaning out the clutter. Weirdly, I don't remember much of the dreams I had earlier, though I think that may be a good thing this time around. I know I did dream though,