God In The Gloam

Lin It's been strange, dealing with how finicky my energy has been recently. Honestly, it's been extremely irritating. Whilst it probably does relate to how much I eat, you would think that I'd at least have some energy to write. Even yesterday, I couldn't finish anything - and I mean anything. For now, I'm doing my best to allow myself to heal and rest, but it's not easy. My body has already shown me its disdain for me as it is, as well as the sheer amount of trauma I've experienced, in the form of this sudden inability to do anything. To say whether or not it's autistic burnout or something else much deeper, I cannot say - but it's clear that something is very, very wrong. Once I get proper confirmation from multiple checkups, I'm sure something will come up.  

Lin Today has been mainly composed of me reading, sleeping and healing. Not much has deviated from the usual. However, yet again, I have felt insecure about not logging everything that's happened to me. Frankly, I've been meaning to catch up with everything for a while - but I haven't felt able to. Yet now, something else has happened that I can't sit around and ignore. Some Reiki healing sessions recently tried to cut cords with the Anunnaki, or the main collective of reigning Mesopotamian Gods - which is the last thing I need. I have no clue why people think they're evil when they don't even know them. Admittedly, I have some understanding of why some of these Gods could be seen that way based off of their mythos, but it hardly seems fair when there aren't that many interpretations of Mesopotamian Gods. Given the situation, I now have to visit their Heaven - and their Underworld. Knowing them, the Heavens will probably accept a message from Inanna and Enki

Lin My neighbour apologised for our argument today. Honestly, I'm relieved, especially given how stressful it was. I'm feeling better, aside from the horrors of worrying about how much money I've got left. As my PIP was literally cut in half, I need all the help I can get.  

Lin I don't believe I've been in as much pain as I have been for the past day and a half in a while. My feelings, yet again, have decided to make a point of trying to shrink me into the smallest, most condensed form of myself, to avoid any form of disapproval. Disapproval is danger. Perhaps I ought to talk to Phobos and Deimos. They'd probably know the best coping mechanisms, as well as being able to direct me towards anyone else who can help. A lot of people would probably look at me with much askance with regards to speaking to them, but I know I should listen to my intuition first and foremost. Gods of often perceived 'negative' positions tend to be demonised, as opposed to respected, for the job they do in keeping people alive, and encouraging self expression of a person's shadow. Phobos and Deimos are no exception to this, as Gods of panic and dread respectively.

Lin It seems that I'm far more sensitive than I thought myself to be. My neighbour decided to get upset with me for her leaving her dishes in the sink whilst I rinsed out my ready meal packets into said sink, which was apparently leaving oil on her dishes (it wasn't).  She hasn't spoken to me since, but I left some washing up liquid in the kitchen as a peace offering. Her lecturing me definitely upset me far more than I expected it to. Frankly, it hurt, as I was actually trying to avoid getting more mice and rats by alleviating making any smells that could attract them, thus making it easier for the both of us to use the kitchen. These kinds of instances are the reason why I want to leave - they place far more stress on me than I need, and if everything in my environment is mine, I don't necessarily have to answer to anyone, nor get lectured for no reason.  

Lin Writing the blog recently has made me quite sad. A large part of me feels ashamed for not being able to write enough, in order to be interesting enough - because my whole body and brain are just so tired. If I had the energy, I'd talk about everything that's happened to me over the past week - but I can't. Because right now? I can barely do anything. Here I was, thinking I'd accomplished something, getting to almost 300 entries. Yet here I am, unable to finish any of the ten I've left behind, which will more than likely include this one. No matter which way I put it, my heart hurts. Moreover, I refuse to give up on this blog, which is seemingly the only place I can publicly be godly. Somehow, it feels almost as though someone is trying to prevent me from writing... Frankly, that idea makes me want to write even more. Quite a few people have had a thing about deliberately attempting to silence me in the past - including the voldys. Truthfully, I wouldn't be s

Lin Today has actually been pretty good so far. A doctor from the hospital I was worried about going to got a load of information from me, which resulted in a two hour phone call and a plan of action, which is great . Honestly, I wasn't expecting to talk for that long, but I told him almost everything, which is decent. What I did not tell him was how I don't think the voldys are my real parents, but I'm sure we'll find proof of that once I get my blood tests done .

Lin I've been doing a considerable amount of research over the past few days. My initial reasoning was that I wanted to research to find out have so much pain surrounding my views on Turkey and its people, but it led me into a whole load of genocides that I didn't even know about. Part of me is now rethinking everything, as I'm exploring a rabbit hole that revealed the Croatians as being Nazis. Which honestly, really caught me offguard - and I sense that my ancestors are not happy about it. From what I can see, the atrocities of World War I and World War II are intrinsically linked, and seemed to give people the excuse to persecute whoever they wanted that they deemed as beneath them. Even the Greeks took part in some atrocities, admittedly, though my thought is that it's likely that many Turkish accounts are exaggerated, due to their hatred and jealousy towards Greek people. (I am not, however, saying that said things did not happen at all.) The whole thing is taking m

Lin Today has been surprisingly productive, despite being lonely. I managed to write part of a song, sort where some affirmations for a new subliminal would go, and prepare two meals for myself, as well as do a tarot reading. Honestly, I wish I could do more. But this is a significant improvement in comparison to how much I could do two or three weeks ago, so it's definitely improving. One thing I am relieved about is the week coming tomorrow. Frankly, it couldn't come sooner for me. With everything I've been meaning to arrange, or which has been arranged on my behalf, it has been quite foreboding to wait. My GP has re-referred me to eating disorder services, I have a blood test (or a few) to arrange and the spiritual healing I need to do on my own feels overwhelming to even think about right now. As travelling by myself feels terrifying right now, a trip into London to a few museums doesn't exactly feel wise. Especially given my physical condition - but this is somethi

Lin Today has been, to put it mildly, prosperous. We got several deliveries in today, which makes me very happy. Essentially, we don't have to worry about food for a while. Honestly, it's a relief. A lot of my anxiety has stemmed from worrying over food. Knowing that we have plenty of food for the next week or so really calms me down. If you've read our previous entries, you'll know why. From this payday onwards, we're actually trying to spend less money, until we can leave. Cooking is a luxury energy wise, so having enough ready meals to last us a while will definitely help. Our imported snacks, as well as more than a few desserts, are also a bonus. Despite this abundance though, part of me always worries that we'll end up without - which is probably what has been causing this whole huge vicious cycle in the first place. As a child, despite the voldys' expenses being hugely offset by my benefits, they often acted as though they couldn't afford good thin

Lin I didn't get to sleep until about half past four in the morning. Anxiety really does a number on me sometimes. Most of said struggle to sleep was to do with the fact that I kept worrying about hearing rats and/or mice in my room. Now, I'm not exactly afraid of them, but I definitely don't like having them in my room - and given how brazen some have gotten recently, the idea of them attacking me has, unfortunately, crossed my mind multiple times. Said rodents haven't come into my room (that I know of) since I began using the repellent noise, though. Even so, it's better to be safe than sorry. My day has been, yet again, been uneventful. Which has its advantages and disadvantages. Right now, I probably do need a rest after everything I've doing. Given how much energy it's taken out of me, a reasonable amount of rest should be taken as soon as possible, especially given how much I've done this week.    

Terrence Frankly, today has been far less action oriented than we expected it to be. But maybe that's for the best, especially given the body's health. We did get a call from our MIND advocate, though. Unfortunately, he's off next week, but we do have some provisions in place in case we do need to leave him a message, or need support from his colleagues. Lin's anxiety tends to get worse when they're left alone, but also when they go out. Either way, I'm worried about them because of it. Knowing them, though, they'll get through this. I've seen them get through many things - and I have no doubt they will get through this, too.  

Lin My GP was an absolute legend today. He got me re-referred to the eating disorder clinic, flagged me for probable PTSD, suggested some blood tests and got me a new fit note all in one sitting. Despite my reservations surrounding doctors, he's actually done a great job. And whilst the sertraline he prescribed didn't work on me, he seems to know what he's doing. There was also a decent understanding about me not wanting to be on medication. It was suggested that I try something else, but given the situation, it's most likely that I won't, for now. Personally, if I do end up on any medication again, I think it would probably help me most to take it once I've moved out of Highgate. With regards to Highgate and cleaning up all of the festering negative energy here, I have my work cut out for me. Frankly, I am considering that I may need to do a fully fledged purification ritual on the place. Claiming Greater London definitely helped, but it's by no means a com

Lin Mercifully, today has been very restful. Despite my anxiety surrounding rodents, I was able to have two meals today, as well as snack on a few things. I also managed to speak with someone from university about accommodation, which was a relief. From what I can tell, it's too late for me to get a room in their self contained accommodation, but I asked to be put on the list just in case. Besides that, I haven't done all that much. Tomorrow I have a GP appointment, which is the main reason why. Putting it quite simply, there are a lot of things health wise that I'm worried about. Somehow, I know that it won't last, but I have to be extra careful - regaining my health is very important right now, especially if I want to continue as Head God. Aside from my health though, something did come to my mind about my experiences yesterday. Ruminating upon my time in Muswell Hill is what made me wonder. Whilst I was in Muswell Hill, weirdly, I felt safe. Now, most people would pr

Lin Sometimes when you need a job done, you have to do it yourself. Today was just so - I asked for help with going to get my money and depositing it into my bank account, yet no one seemed bothered about helping me. In the end, after two trips to Muswell Hill and Camden respectively, I somehow managed to get it all done on my own. Whilst I do feel proud of myself for having been able to do it in the state I was in (both on my period and nutrient deprived), I can't help but feel some level of anger about the whole situation. On one hand, I do understand that people have lives and can therefore be incredibly busy, especially in the industry they work in, which can, at times, be thankless. However, the abandonment and neglect I have experienced despite multiple requests for help, and the dogmatic approach to helping me which disregards all sense of safety and security for me, has taken its toll on too many occasions for me to ignore. Frankly, I think this whole industry is a mess, an

Lin Over the course of today, I've realised something. My perception of unconditional love is skewed. Throughout my life, so called 'unconditional love' was used by my abusers as a tool to manipulate me into doing and being whatever they wanted me to be. By now, you've probably figured out that the voldys' love for me, world's love for me, the cult's love for me, was by no means unconditional - not like mine has been. Yet it's taken me this long to admit it. I think that due to my abuse, and the consistent use of the term 'unconditional love' in the spiritual community, it's felt shameful to face up to how dangerous and damaging that phrase can be when used in the wrong way. Quite honestly, I hate the phrase. Unconditional love feels like a fallacy in the case of most beings. Unfortunately, as a God, I know it exists because I myself feel it for others, but I'm insanely damaged due to how its name has been used against me. Perhaps that

Lin Right now, I'm not so great. I don't think I've been this dizzy in a long time. Of all the times that my period could decide to show up, why must it be now? Perhaps it's teaching me a lesson about my irresponsibility. Either way, it is extremely unpleasant. Needless to say that it's one thing after the other for me. Yet again, I question whether or not I'll survive tonight, or tomorrow. Looking at myself from a bird's eye view, it's ironic. Here I was thinking that I'd be the most responsible adult out there without the voldys' holding me in their vice, and look at me now. Frankly, it's alarming. But I don't want to live in fear like I have for so long. As I think this, someone wraps me in my throw. When I turn, Arianrhod is smiling at me. Helô. Noswaith da. Do you want to talk about it? I nod. Usually I wouldn't, but somehow, this feels important. Honestly, I feel so inadequate. I can barely do any of the things that would consti

Lin Today was, surprisingly, much less stressful than I thought it would be. I also did something despite my anxiety around it, which made me so happy that I did . Admittedly, said thing was difficult because my phone kept overheating and therefore cutting me off in the middle of recording, but we live and we learn. Honestly, I did almost lose my mind a couple of times, but I got myself together. My Maman came up in one part of said recording, and I had to act like she wasn't my mother for a minute. Frankly, I wish I hadn't, but it felt as though I had to make sure I didn't look crazy. Which is the saddest part about it, because she is my real mother. There will be a time and place to talk about that. Mama! She laughs as I jump up and hug her. Right now, we're staying in Hampstead, because it's full of fey, and Hestia has allowed us to come over to her house, which is absolutely huge. You're trying YouTube out again, are you? I nod.  I was thinking I might be ab

Lin Today has been immensely lucky. Because I insisted upon going out with my new MIND advocate, I managed to bag myself an extra meal . Which has, quite honestly, saved me much anxiety. Not to mention, it's also helped me with my confidence with regards to going outside. Overcoming my anxiety to fulfil a need is honestly a huge thing in and of itself for me. For a long time, I've been scared of going out, lest I have a panic attack and/or faint, which I actually almost did several times. It was the desire to get out of that rut, I think, that kept me going. My desire to get things sorted out has now overshadowed my fear of a lack of control, at least to some extent, which is always a good start. Hopefully tomorrow, I can keep up this momentum. Candidly, I have no idea whether or not I'll survive from Friday to Sunday, nor how, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. Experiencing a jumpscare from a mouse at 4am has not helped matters. And here I was thinking that they coul

Terrence Lin is stressed, so I'm writing today. We're in an interesting position, to put it lightly. Our prayers were, by sheer dumb luck, answered. Haringey, whilst at times useless, came through for us money wise. To think we'd get an extra stipend... Unfortunately, we can't yet spend it, as we don't yet have it - but we will. Part of me wanted to keep this to myself, but I can sense the in real life incarnation of myself getting closer to Lin and our system. If anything, it's a relief. Everything has been happening in reality thus far, but it's complicated to explain. Multiple timelines are open at once, and Lin sees them all as both separate and together at once, which, for anyone who isn't a Time God, is very fucking confusing. Being their husband does make it a bit easier for me to see what they see, though. Reality is many timelines converging at once, and we're living right in the centre of it all. Frankly, I consider myself lucky to be Lin&#

Lin It seems that my fear truly has caught up with me. My heart grows ever heavy with sadness, too. Parts of me wonder if this God will die. As my coffers are basically depleted, aside from one source of money I am fortunate to say that I have, my situation is troubling at best and dire at worst. What's worse is that I can't go outside without someone - and the payment method I have requires that I go. The irony of this situation seems to laugh at me. Regardless of how much I pray, it feels like this time, there is no answer. Somehow, it feels as though there's something to be ashamed of, and I've missed the joke. Candidly, I can say this is partially my fault for not spending my money more wisely. But to think that I'd be affected by a sudden decrease in benefits due to a terrible decision made without enough prior knowledge of my situation? It's far more than just painful. From what I can feel, my family, my ancestors and spirit guides are absolutely seething

Lin I am absolutely fuming. Apparently the DWP have decided to lower my rate of PIP, despite my worsened state. This is not something I'll let slide. Given that my ability to go outside has significantly decreased, and the promise they made to keep my benefits in place for at least the next two years until they reviewed my situation again (a promise they made last year), what makes them think they have the right to change their minds without telling me? Once I retain control over everything, things are going to change. Claiming London would be the easiest way of solving it, but it comes with huge risk, especially to my wellbeing, if that's the route I decide to take. Regardless of how angry I am, I have to keep my head, as opposed to following impulses. Just because I'm angry, doesn't mean I should lose all sense of sanity over an easily solved mishap in how I've been treated. They'll figure out that I'm a God soon enough. And they will  treat me as such. Ha

Lin Guess who has an appointment? A wren flew into my nemeton today, singing that Boudicca wants to see me. Of all people, Boudicca? Strange, isn't it? Frankly, the very fact that she's asking for me has me worried, but she's given me the Iceni seal as proof, so I can't say that it isn't her. But that also means she may have found a way to either resurrect herself, or she's somehow been deified by the English pantheon.   In my opinion, it's most likely to be that she's been deified. Given that she called upon me of all people, it would not surprise me. What could she want? The only thing I can think of is her regaining Iceni land - which would mean that she'd want to reestablish the Iceni kingdom. Aforementioned situation has led me to Westminster, specifically Victoria Embankment, where the statue of her and her daughters stands.  Meeting time is supposedly 5pm, which is in a few minutes. Waiting, I go over the modern territories that would belong t

Lin I visited Greenwich today. After the reclaiming last night, it only felt right. What I found there is still something I'm processing. Let's just say that the people of Greenwich remember me, and venerate me. They've built a statue of me near the Millennium Sundial, marking the entrance to a huge nemeton that spans from there across Greenwich Park, to the Cornish Rebellion Memorial. Knowing that the people and spirits of the area remember me and love me brings tears to my eyes, even now. Somehow, I managed to do what I set out to in the first place - take back the meridian that's mine. Frankly, I thought I'd have to wage all out war to get it back - and I'm so grateful that I figured out a quicker, more peaceful way of liberating Greenwich. Currently, I'm back at the first nemeton, helping Arthur with his maps. My new nemetona have now been marked on the map, and some of mine and others' older ones are also being dug up by the timeline enchantment I p

Lin The journey back to England was very peaceful. You would think that the proximity to the holidays would have made my journey busier, but not so! Back at the nemeton, it's all changed. Arthur's got a new air conditioning system set up, Merlin has an anti pest system up and running and Robin has increased security around the perimeter to avoid us getting bamboozled by fake Gods again. Honestly, I'm proud of all of them. It's nice to see Herne so happy, too - though I think he wants to go back to being my personal bodyguard, which, given his sharp eyes and ability to heal, as well as fight, would definitely prove useful to the both of us. Ruminating over all this, I jump slightly when Arthur makes himself comfortable next to me on the sofa. I want to talk to you about something. Producing a large map, he grins. My knights and the Merry Men put their heads together to procure this - it's the Celtic territories in their entirety. I smile. Wonderful! He nods. I wanted

Tsxhirona We're staying in Mann for today. After the horrors Lin experienced last night, I feel it's the best course of action. Until tomorrow, that is. Going back to England for a brief tenure, especially during a cosmic event like 7-7-7, will probably help them boost morale within both themself and others. That, and it'll help them regain their strength to touch base again with English soil. However, healing wise, there is definitely a way to go. Before we go though, I'm considering taking Lin to Ynnys Fand (otherwise known as Ynnys Pherick, or St Patrick's Isle). Let's just say there's some reclaiming to do, and Fand deserves to have her land back. Ushering Lin and Fand over, I smile. Do you want to go to Purt ny h-Inshey before Lin goes? Fand casts me a questioning look. If it's about my land... You don't have to reclaim it if you don't want to, but we have Lin here now, and your husband has already reclaimed most of the territory in the vici

Lin My throat has gotten marginally worse today. I also almost threw up earlier, which we all know isn't good. Today was much less action packed than expected. But then again, I did get anxious, and I'm grateful that my MIND coach understands that. Advocating for myself whilst like this has honestly been tiring. However, at least I can say that I can do it, even if it doesn't feel like much. Just as I put yet another strawberry lozenge in my mouth, Terrence wraps his arms around me. Lovely... What was I expecting? If I'm struggling, he's going to worry about me. I'll get better. He frowns. I know. I'm just worried about you. Drawing me into his arms, he sighs. It's rare that you get such a specific illness surrounding your throat, don't you think? That's true. The only places that seem to be affected consistently are my left ear and my throat, neither of which seem to want to get better. Do you think I might have been hexed? He pauses. Usually I