7 - A God, Wishing

Lin

I wish I could get out of here. Like, today.

My mental state has chosen violence.

Truthfully, it's because I'm emotionally exhausted. Yesterday, I got lectured by one of the UC staff over the phone for not showering since the Gods only know when, and for not taking care of myself.

Whilst she was right, it felt a little patronising.

Most of the not showering stuff is actually to do with serious trauma (see: rape) which has been why I have been avoiding the shared bathrooms like the plague.

It didn't happen in there, but what my abusers did to me still lingers, and frankly, whilst I'd like to feel able to wash my clothes and take a bath safely here, I don't.

I don't feel safe here in general, especially as I know that bin boy's still here, and the most heinous things he's done.

I told one of the other caseworkers yesterday that engaging with him causes me panic attacks (which it does), so I'm hoping she relays that to my main caseworker.

That boy has caused me all of this distress over the fact that I've refused to let him use my kitchen any more, because he decided to overstep his boundaries, and not only that, but to put me and potentially others in danger.

I haven't told anyone this, except my work coach, and even then, it was a muddle of words, as I was having a panic attack.

So here goes.

For a while after I allowed bin boy to use my kitchen, up until I stopped allowing him, he would leave the back door leading to the garden open. He left this open for nopeman, someone who has abused me for much longer than I've lived within this life. In exchange for allowing this man in, bin boy would get paid.

He's just upset that he lost his sugar daddy.

This man would strip me and rape me, and beat me black and blue, until he was satisfied. He had me wear a very specific dress to do this in.

My caseworker knows of it, as I have mentioned it, but I did not mention bin boy's involvement, because of the lack of evidence.

But I know that these interactions went on, because I could hear them. The back door opens right next to my bedroom window, so when I say I could hear everything, I mean it.

And he has the nerve to accuse me of violence when there was none on my side. How ironic.

It not only makes me angry, but also scared. I already called the police on starry pants for him molesting and aiding in kidnapping me with little evidence to show for it. If I accuse someone else without the right evidence, how credible will I seem?

I was already told to call the police, but I don't want to bite off more than I can chew.

My work coach had originally asked to talk to him, but I didn't want to further give bin boy the attention he wants by giving him a place to air everything he thinks about me and my boundaries.

He doesn't deserve to talk about me, nor have his place here, after everything he's done.

With all of this anxiety bottled up in me now, I can't even go into my kitchen, despite knowing that he's banished from there lest he gets a warning. I can barely think. I couldn't even watch the wrestling with my other neighbour last night because of the anxiety, and that usually calms me down.

Get me out of here.

As I think this, a shield appears in my nemeton, sat on the altar, sun reflecting off of its face, showing its full divine origin.

Sammy...

Of all people to offer me something next? I wasn't expecting it, but it is definitely something I need. I can tell it's imbued with some kind of spiritual protection charm.

"To keep you safe from the monsters without and within, a token. Stay safe.

- Sammy"

That couldn't have come at a better time.

Trugarez, kothman.


 

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