38 - A God, Cozy

Lin

I am feeling quite cozy today, though I did also wake up late.

Very late. I had wanted to watch the wrestling with my neighbour, but it sounded as though he was playing a game with some friends, so I left him to it.

I'm genuinely considering getting my own TV now, so that I can watch things without having to rely on anything or anyone else.

I looked at some of the cheapest Black Friday stuff on Amazon, but a lot of the better cheap ones are £100 and upwards, and frankly, I'm not sure that realistically I have the money for that.

I did, however, buy a plug extension, which I have been meaning to do for ages.

It means that I won't have to turn off my portable heater or my lamp whenever I want to charge my portable charger.

I'm excited for this week. On Sunday I get to see Poppy, and if I can get my act together for Thursday, I may very well also be able to go to my UC appointment.

I've been having less panic attacks, which is a good sign that I may be able to travel again.

As it gets closer to Christmas again, I'm always reminded that I'm very much alone here.

It's weird to think about, but I'm not sad about it any more.

I'm hoping that by the time Christmas properly rolls around, that I'll have paid off all of my rent arrears and I'll be gone.

Let's hope so. I've already outstayed my welcome.

That just reminded me that I needed to change my bank details with Etsy.

I have a Black Friday sale on, so let's hope that I get a good amount of customers from that.

I'd like to be able to get out of here soon. Let's get out of here as soon as possible.

I'm actually less stressed out by the idea of leaving now than I was before. Maybe it's because I have less commitments now. Either way, I'd like to be gone before February at the latest, but I can't guarantee that, let alone if I'll even be here by then, if my rent arrears get any worse.

But I have faith. Not just because I know myself well, but because I always pull through.

I mean, Rickmansworth has killed me eight times in this lifetime alone, and yet I am still in one piece. I think if that's the case, then I can face this head on, too.

I'm going to need you to eat. Like, now.

I know that voice.

Hi, Brigid.

I'm serious.

Mat eo din.

I take out a slice of pizza from last night's dinner.

Better?

It's a start.

I can sense her being slightly worried about me, which is unusual, but I suppose given the circumstances, it isn't all that surprising.

What brings you here?

Being cozy and making money, I guess.

So you have heard about my money woes.

Yes, though I do think that you and I can agree that you're getting better with that.

I am. I was able to save about £100 last month to make sure that I had enough before I got my next benefits. That really put me in a good spot.

Do you think there's any way that I can make it better?

I think the tarot or oracle cards you have could probably tell you more than I can, though I would also say to keep following your creative endeavours. People like you. Your work stands out. And frankly, because you're a decent human being, people will appreciate that.

You think?

Of course! You're literally one of the nicest people I know.

Trugarez.

You're my cousin. I'll always be by your side. And don't doubt yourself with what happened to you either. It did. I wasn't there, but I saw the aftermath. You're telling the truth, so don't doubt that.

I needed that.

Of course you did - you've literally been living alone for the past few years with little to no social contact. That really fucks with you, no matter who you are. Do you want to read the oracle cards?

I think I will.

I take out one of Colette Baron-Reid's decks, call for my guides to be present with me, and begin to shuffle the deck.

Six cards fall out, after much shuffling and piles of cards being thrown at me. I check the bottom and top cards remaining in the pile as well. It all seems to say one thing:

You will have to put energy into this.

But I also get the sense that I won't have to do this alone.

The community card at the bottom is clear.

As the Black Friday sales have gone on, I have considered getting myself a card reader in case I ever wanted to go around and offer my services outside. 

I may go through with it if it means I can get good money from it.

And from what I can see of the rest of the reading, there seems to be a clear strategy in place.

They're telling me that things are changing, so if I prepare, do things, see where my patterns of success and failure are and take the opportunities that feel right, I should be good to go.

It feels weirdly like it is for my spiritual business, my acting, my music career and my writing.

I'm looking forward to whatever comes next. All I need to do is choose which path I take on the fork in the road.

I want success, I get success.

That's the way to think about it, though within reason.

Like, I'm not going to shoot myself in the foot.

Exactly.

Trugarez again.

For what?

For always encouraging me to be better.

What can I say? I've seen you in good times and bad. I'd much rather see you happy, but I know that sometimes it won't always be the case.

For both of us.

Ya.

I leave an orange everlasting candle on the offering altar, alongside a bowl of satsumas.

Stay well. Kemmer with.

You too, Tavi.