51 - A God, Reaching

Lin 

Yesterday I had a panic attack almost as bad as the one I had at UC about a month ago.

When they come up, it's crippling.

I always knew that my panic attacks came from the concern of how much physical energy I would have to do a certain thing, and whether or not I'd end up being vulnerable in a public place.

Again, it was always mrs voldy who said I was vulnerable, when in truth, I am about as vulnerable as anybody else who is white and femme presenting.

Which is, to an extent, vulnerable, but not the sort that I was being led to believe.

And anyone without the proper support they need is vulnerable to an extent.

My limbs and head ache with the tension that I was doing my best to avoid. My kidney isn't particularly happy, either.

I'll bet you anything that if the doctors ever get a look at my kidney, they'll find a laceration where I was stabbed.

It's not subtle. They'll see it.

And then the voldys will be in serious trouble.

I had to speak to another caseworker besides my designated one today, due to the fact that they don't work on Mondays, and that this was urgent.

I rarely ask for help, but when I do, I always do my best to have good reason for it.

I didn't sleep all that well last night either due to the panic attack, so now I'm also exhausted.

Talking to people has helped, though.

Those people, friends and caseworkers, have been really helpful when I've needed it most.

Trugarez.

One of my good friends sent me a good soundtrack to relax me with, so I'm now listening as I write.

The song I'm listening to really sums up what I'm like. Maybe it's hit me in the wrong way, but it reminds me of a song I partially wrote about waiting for my world to change.

But I know that there's a future out there for me somewhere.

I just need to trust that I can get there.

I know that I'm not in the best position to eat as of now, because of how it relates to my panic attacks, but eventually I'll need to.

For now, I'll take my time, and not eat too much.

As I think this, a statue of a snake coiled around an egg appears on my nemeton.

Ananke.

Yes.

I can't do this any more.

I know, my love. We're here to help.

I pull out a pack of tissues and dab at my eyes, before blowing my nose. 

That dream, that I had about the voldys - what was it?

Both what has been and what likely would have been had you chosen to return to them.

As I suspected. It felt somewhat like cut-out scenes from a timeline for some reason, but I couldn't figure out why.

So now you're reaching out to me?

Your system reached out to us - to both myself and Chronos.

Chronos, if you would believe it, is not the same man as my great-great uncle. He's actually an ancestor who, along with Ananke, are much further up the family tree. Chronos was also, like myself, one of the Sal people, whose existences rely on the ability to shapeshift, morph and wear glamours.

Terrence?

Yes, it was.

Good. I'm not sure how I would've felt if it were anyone else besides him or a fellow time God.

We're going to help you change your timeline from here, if you'll let us, and if you can let go of some of the preconceived notions you have of what 'should' be.

It's not like I have anything else to lose, given that I've almost lost hold of my sanity.

I've made my decision.

Please help me.

Of course. We'll do everything we can, starting with moving you out of that house. The whole area, no matter whether you've claimed it or not, is insanely grotty spiritually. You cannot clean it on your own, nor is it your responsibility to do so.

As much as I hate to say it, she's right. I claimed this place knowing full well what issues it had, and that it could potentially take years for it to recover from Rickmansworth's rule.

Where will I go?

Somewhere not owned by the All-Seers.

If you guys don't know who they are, that's the name for the cult that Rickmansworth and one eye, along with their goons, work out of.

Well that's a relief.

Somewhere happy.

A spiritual map appears in front of me.

Where would you like to be?

I point to Caernarfon.

There, please.

Non cult ruled, has a castle, has cleaned itself of Roman influence... You know how to choose a place.

Thank you.

I bring out a gold rimmed compass from my offerings, and leave it on the offering altar beside the new statue Ananke gave me.

Please take it as my thank you.

I can feel her smile on the other side.

Of course. We'll look after you.