55 - A God, Whole

Lin

Yesterday, I attempted to read my oracle cards for some more clues about my family, due to some things that came up relating to my DNA.

The response I got was to essentially move on. At least, for now.

My mood has been a lot more somber since, given that the idea of being so much as related to the voldys makes me want to take my skin off.

It's not pleasant.

But I also understand why I'm being told that I need to focus elsewhere.

I already have enough anxiety to be dealing with in terms of basic, practical self care, as well as my life at large. My ancestry, in terms of finding out who my real parents are, is probably the last thing I should be looking at now.

Either way, I don't feel good about the whole situation. I have to make the best of it, somehow.

I am a God, a person, complete and whole, with or without my family, wherever they are, whoever they may be.

I'm definitely extroverted, though, so I'll need to find some new social groups soon.

The more in person, non cult groups I can find that are non-toxic, the better. I need support.

I feel similarly about my career - my music, my acting, my writing...

To make them work, I need to get out of here.

But first, I need to crawl out of the hole of self-pity I've dug myself into.

I deserve better than the narrative I've been given by other people, and even by myself.

I am capable of taking care of myself, and I am capable of finding a job that befits my self care.

I know when to take a backseat and recover, and I know when to begin with things.

Whilst everyone has been saying "Focus on your health!", it's a bit difficult to do that if I can't fucking afford it.

If I have the money and space to eat regularly, it'll make things ten times easier. And I need money for that.

Bonus points if I can also get money for therapy.

Which I am in dire need of.

I need to let this frustration drive me to actually do something with my life, because the Gods only know that I can't afford to do anything less.

I need to learn and grow. Like, now.

I need to learn how to do better and implement that sort of change in my life, so that I can live well, be well and do well in my life.

I need to devote my time to it, regardless of what condition I'm in now.

I know there will be points when I have to rest, but I can't stand by and watch my life melt away before my eyes.

And you won't.

Chronos.

You will be ok.

But how?

You will. Just trust that.

For now, I and the rest of us need you to take care of your basic needs. If you don't have a foundation, you won't be able to keep everything else.

I hate to say it, but he's right. Self care is one of the parts of my life that I struggle the most with now. Keeping that consistent goes before even thinking about doing anything else.

But where do I start?

That depends on you. Food will probably be the most important thing, as it will tackle other issues that you have with other things, like cleaning and going out.

Exerting energy seems to be a problem, if I'm correct?

Yes.

Then spend your money wisely on food that you know will fuel you. I know using that kitchen is easier said than done, but the sooner you rehabituate yourself, the better.

Keep in mind as well that you don't have to do these things alone. Have a friend on call, or even a friend over. It would probably help you.

He's giving me very good advice, stuff that I'll likely have to do eventually anyway.

I was thinking that I may eventually have to batch cook.

It's a good idea, but you'll probably want some more tupperware.

Good point.

These solutions, whilst good, don't fully go over the scope of my anxiety.

These things are gradual. If you have to do it alone, perhaps leave music on - that has helped before.

I do get distracted, though.

Given that you don't really share the kitchen any more, it shouldn't matter.

True.

And if worst comes to worst, always have a few ramen bowls on hand to make. You only need a kettle for those.

That's also good advice. That and ramen and ramyeon tend to be very cheap to buy in bulk.

Thank you.

Of course. The last thing I want is for one of my descendants to starve.

A ramen bowl, alongside a fabregée egg are left on my altar in the nemeton.

Start with these.

I, in turn, leave a pack of white chocolate red beans, and a silver pocket watch on the offering altar.

I won't let you down.