101 - A God, Holy

Lin

I had my first mental health assessment today.

From what I could gather, my mental health practitioner seems to want a great deal of information surrounding how the voldys treated me in order to best treat me, which makes sense.

Honestly, I don't care for talking about the voldys, but if it's a need, I'll do it.

I was actually very relaxed in there, which was not what I was expecting. It is very good, though.

I was very loose lipped as well. At least I kept the godly part to myself.

It could have gone south very quickly had I mentioned that.

She basically gave me homework to do over the next two weeks until I see her again so she can get some clarity about how I see everything and what happened to me.

There is a lot, so the timeframe actually really helps.

I already dig deep a lot as it is, so I'll be able to tell her a lot.

She will have more than one piece of paper by the end of this.

Speaking of digging, I realised something else about myself this morning, which is that more often than not, I never really got the chance to switch off and have time to do things for myself.

Everything I did had to be in some way for the voldys or somebody else, and so I've been wrestling with the guilt and anxiety surrounding doing anything that seems remotely lazy, including watching shows and movies that I find interesting.

Even now I struggle with this, as it closely connects with the idea that I was burdensome and selfish, and I was often called a 'spoilt brat' when I wasn't behaving in the way the voldys wanted me to.

Truthfully, there was never really a problem with my behaviour. Or at least, it wasn't frequent that my behaviour was bad. It was more like there were huge misunderstandings and a consistent refusal to accommodate me by the adults in my life that resulted in me acting out. Now that I see it, the whole situation makes sense.

So I just got preoccupied and wrote a song about kicking the shit out of rickmansworth.

I don't think I ever wrote a song properly exposing him before now.

Something about writing that felt holy, like my ancestors and fellow Gods were guiding me to do the right thing for my mental health.

Whilst I didn't tell my mental health practitioner about him because the situation with him and my daughter is rather complicated, and I didn't want to start talking about yet another thing that the police would have to get involved in, given that she would be involved as well. But in my songs, and here, I can speak about rickmansworth and rip him to shreds as much as I like.

Here, I know I am safe.

And everything works out for me.

I also attempted to go to the post office to get my £200, but the lady there gave me attitude about it and blatantly lied about what the money was for.

She didn't even read the letter, so there was that.

My caseworker and one of her colleagues has agreed to help me with some of my stuff, including getting proper therapy, until I can get some clarity on what my mental health practitioner thinks of my situation.

She was very probing, which was good, and she tried to play devil's advocate mentally as far as I could see with some things like how bin boy treated me, which was both understandable and irritating at the same time.

Overall, today has been beautiful.

I now have yet another delicious pizza to tuck into, and tomorrow I'll be getting yet another shipment of ready meals to have throughout next week and the week after.

I know that I'll be ok for a while food wise, which makes me so happy.

I feel so incredibly safe and loved by the universe and my guides.

And you most certainly are.

Standing in front of me, shining as bright as the Sun, is Áine, Goddess of Love, the Sun, summer, sovereignity and brightness, among many other things. 

She opens her arms, and I can't help but rush into her embrace. She smells of strawberries.

You're here.

I am. And I always will be if you are in need of me.

I snuggle into her shoulder.

Trugarez, cousin.

She ruffles my hair.

Of course.

She pulls me back slightly, so that she's holding me by my shoulders. Inspecting me, she nods.

Yep, I'm coming to see ye in the physical.

Are you sure?

Aye. It's about time you had someone who loves you, and who is from your family, in your life again. You've been physically alone for too long.

I feel the excitement and gratitude run through me. I haven't seen most of my family members as this version of me for years, and now one of my family members is going to visit me in real life? 

Have faith in it. You'll see me. You know what to look for.

I do. I've read enough of her myths to know what she's referring to.

I'll keep an eye out.

Wonderful. And Lin?

I tilt my head slightly in curiosity, and she grins.

I know the word. And you'll hear it, too.

The air around me turns into pure yellow light, and as it fades, I realise she's disappeared. Yet, I can't help but feel joyous.

My family are coming for me.