105 - A God, Accepting

Lin

Today has been quiet.

Part of me wants to share an ancestral discovery I made today, but I get the sense that it's not the right time to do so.

For a while, I've lived with the worry that speaking about my myriad of ancestral lines from many different cultures would get me harassed, so for now, until the social climate shows some form of maturity and understanding for nuance, I will keep this truth to myself.

Right now, I will focus on my own peace.

I get the sense that today, I will prosper.

Somehow, I just know I will.

I'm also supposed to be seeing my nice neighbour tonight, as far as I know, so that'll be fun.

We actually had a short conversation yesterday, which was fabulous. He didn't mention seeing me though, so maybe he forgot.

And now I'm finally able to admit something else to myself.

I am plagued by the idea of being dirty.

Years of being told that I was dirty and that I stank, combined with punishments and reprimanding for taking too long in the shower, bath and bathroom in general, as well as multiple accounts of sexual assault have led me to not feel safe with the idea of cleaning myself, especially in a communal space.

It has linked to my ideas surrounding independence, cleanliness and self worth like a disease intent on destroying me.

Because of how terrible the treatment was, and others reinforcing the idea of my needs being burdensome, I figured eventually that I'd never be good enough to reach their enigmatic standards. So trying anything that would scream independent, like basic self care, has essentially flown out of the window.

Not to mention that at times, I have had little to no energy to do it, or have been prevented from doing so by either trauma, anxiety or fatigue.

I plan on doing all of those things that constitute to self care again when I move out.

I'll introduce everything gradually, so that I can enjoy my life knowing that my needs matter.

I know that I deserve better than this.

The voldys were huge bullies, so I'm going to seek out better people than them to support me through all this.

My mood right now is definitely having words with me.

There's something within me right now that wants to come out, but I can't figure out what, besides it being sadness or negativity.

Part of me wonders suspiciously if it was the KFC I ate earlier, but I'm dubious about that.

Come to think of it, whilst I was eating, I was daydreaming about being a part of The Fellowship in Lord Of The Rings earlier, and those movies were the voldys' go to for when they wanted a mood booster or couldn't figure out what they wanted to watch.

I can feel anxiety, too, which I was trying to avoid.

I can't tell if it's because my neighbour has friends over, or if it's to do with visiting my neighbour later, or even using the kitchen to get some food. Is it something else? I genuinely cannot tell. Perhaps it's a combination of all of those things.

Wait. Maybe that's it.

I'm so used to being alone mentally and emotionally that the idea of properly being vulnerable with people with regards to my needs, especially after the shit bin boy pulled, has become more difficult for me, when once it was easy.

So now whenever I want to do something remotely fun or make myself happy, by doing things like hanging out with my friends, I can't open myself up to doing it because I'm scared of giving anyone else space within my space to share with me.

Lest I get taken advantage of all over again.

What I'm most afraid of is allowing others to take from me, then when I need something, being called burdensome all over again, and not receiving anything.

That also explains me being closed off to quite a few things energetically.

I haven't been willing to give as much as I would be willing to receive, as it has made me extremely tired, sad, angry, frustrated and caused me trauma in the past.

It definitely doesn't have to be that way now.

As for giving, that was almost always done under the assumption of some form of contract or debt, in which I had to pay for whatever I was given.

Which has made me especially cagey about giving or receiving anything, even if the person or people I'm interacting with are genuinely decent.

This has meant that whenever I try to get into an energy of outright receiving, I end up falling in on myself because I'm awaiting the debt that I owe, that I'm meant to pay.

Frankly, it's so fucked up.

Aye. You don't owe anyone anything.

Arianrhod walks into the room, running a hand through my blond hair.

You're not a burden to anyone. Got that?

I nod, fighting back tears.

Ie.

She wraps my throw blanket around me, then takes a seat.

A lot of your needs have been either blatantly ignored or shat on in this life. I think it's only natural that you'd be cagey about these kinds of things.

She takes my hands in hers.

But know this: You have people coming into your life now that will help you feel better about yourself, and that will be friends with you. Healthy, abundant friends who will have time for you, and will understand and respect your needs. 

And you will move soon. That's a given, though.

She smiles, and so do I.

That's reassuring.

I know it's easier said than done to believe it, but you've seen what can happen, and you've been seeing signs for a while now. It is coming, and will be here when you accept it.

There will be no cost for what we give you - you deserve to be happy, and to be able to share that happiness with others. That is all.

You are going to see proof of it tonight, if you're concerned.

I tilt my head to the side cynically.

How do I know that I'm not having the wool pulled over my eyes?

She takes my face in her hands.

You don't.

She then wraps her arms around both me and the throw.

However, I'm sure that you also know that I am family, and therefore would not try to deceive you.

She wouldn't. In fact, most of my family wouldn't. Even on my Greek side, people like Eris wouldn't try deceiving me. Any Gods with powers who exist, that have negative connotations surrounding their roles, more often than not have a genuinely good way of using their powers to influence people in a positive manner.

I inhale, hold for a few seconds, then exhale slowly.

I trust you.