107 - A God, Analysing

Lin

So I just woke up from yet another dream involving voldy jnr and bugs buzzing for no fucking reason.

Keep in mind that I say this because there is a reason that I can't figure out, and it's getting on my tits.

The dream basically entailed me having what was expressed to be Filipino food (though I'm skeptical now), followed by going to and leaving an Ariana Grande concert because the crowds were trying to crush us, and I didn't want to die.

The voldys were very nasty and gaslighty about it in response, and then voldy jnr had the nerve to rip part of a page in one of my books.

When she did, I remember actively holding back on punching her, and counting how many times would be acceptable.

It was incredibly annoying, but there must be some spiritual reason for it.

Once I had done this, they left to go and see Ariana properly, and I was left in the house, and ended up sleeping.

I had a dream within a dream in which I tried to open curtains, which only led to me seeing another room through the window, with the same exact curtains shut.

So I gave up on trying that and turned to the wardrobe, where all of voldy jnr's skeletons and bad parts were hiding, to prove that her decision making was far less responsible than my own.

It led into a cabin with a leaking roof, that had plants growing in the cracks, and insects buzzing around everywhere, which was what woke me up.

The voldys were so willing to turn a blind eye to voldy jnr and her shortcomings, yet anything I did, right or wrong, that came up against their needs, wants and belief system was seen as irresponsible, childish, ungrateful.

There's a certain irony in raising a child that grows to be more mature than you, even more so when you consider our ages at the time of my departure.

There are definitely things being hidden from me right now, but maybe that's for the best.

For now.

I just read the myth about the Quest For Olwen, and I want Culhwch's serenity in turbulent times, and Arthur's taste for adventure, as well as bravery.

And yes, I know that both my system and my ancestors, as well as family, have spoken of my bravery, amongst other things, many times, but I wish I could be as carefree in that regard as all of them, being able to go a long way from home and return, with or without scars, to a potentially rich life and happy ending.

I want to be the God I know myself to be - without fear, that looks everything in the eye.

Especially my fears.

Most of all, I want to be able to conquer those fears with joy and majesty, as if the fears were never there.

For so long, I have been given reason to doubt my own power, whether by ridicule, abuse or other kinds of gross negative reinforcement.

All I want is just one sign that would show me that everything I'm believing, everything I know, everything I'm pursuing, is true, and is worth my while.

I don't want to be stuck here any more.

How ironic.

Just before I first left, I had these feelings, too.

There was a huge sense of disempowerment, of emptiness, and I wanted someone to rescue me, or at least magically appear and give me the tools to leave. I began to want to do it myself when it felt as though no one else was coming for me, so eventually I found a way out myself.

I suppose that tells you a lot about me: that when it gets truly tough, I can go out there and do things myself.

But for a while now, I've basically been unable to do a lot of things that I was once capable of. Come to think of it, this situation was a long downward spiral that began around the time the pandemic started.

I had been going to concerts, spending time with friends, even going shopping on my own. Then... It got harder.

And I started giving people radio silence, because I felt unable to go outside and meet them.

I was also working through a lot of emotions and trauma, which made my life much less simple.

Then I found out that I was and am a God.

From that and some processes I had to go through, there was much perceived danger, which led me to believe that isolating myself was the safest thing for me to do.

Looking back, to an extent, it was. But it also gave a backdrop to what my life is now: empty.

But maybe, just maybe, I can see this as a blank canvas. A clean slate. A new day. 

And maybe, just maybe, that's the entire point.

I think, in order to keep going, I need to believe that.

And have faith that my life will get better, fuller, stronger than it ever was.

It will.

Danú ruffles my hair.

You've been sifting through quite a bit of turmoil these past few days, haven't ye?

I have. There's been a lot to dig up.

Definitely.

She smiles gently at me.

When you can, you should treat yourself. You've been through a lot, and you deserve to have your needs and wants met in any way that feels right for you. I mean that.

She reaches in for a hug, and I accept.

Go raibh maith agat.

In response to my limited Irish, she hugs slightly tighter.

There's no need to thank me, lad. You're family. I'll be here for as long as I can - and as long as you need, within reason.

We both release each other from our embrace, and smile again.

Colcannon?

She nods.

Colcannon.