95 - A God, Advocating

Lin

I actually managed to do a fair amount today.

I managed to advocate for myself three times, for my radiator being fixed, and for two appointments to be turned into phone appointments.

My caseworker also allowed me to use the fan heater again, as it seems that the entire ground floor has been affected by the lack of heating, including the office.

One of the other caseworkers literally wrapped themself in a blanket because it was that cold.

My period also decided to start today, so now I'm sitting here waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in so I'm able to sleep soundly.

I ate a bit, so that should help.

Last night, I spent most of watching both of The Incredibles movies back to back.

I'd never watched them before whilst living with the voldys but now, I understand why.

There's a massive team element within the family, they're consistently problem solving and there's a healthy but normal dynamic when they're within the realms of family time aside from fighting villains.

The whole thing is a decent blueprint of how a family doesn't have to be perfect, but must take accountability for their actions and help each other where they can.

The voldys, despite knowing my talents and knowing I was capable of things, never really let me help or be properly involved, mainly due to my diagnosis (ahem, ableism), but also due to me not being a member of the actual family.

Essentially, I was just there for whenever they wanted to use me, as opposed to regardless of whether I was deemed helpful or not.

I realise now that whether it be on my own or as a team, that I can contribute and be helpful, no matter how able I seem.

And that's something the voldys never told me. I was always told I was 'useless' or 'in the way' when I tried to contribute. Now, it's different, because I know that what they said wasn't true.

From now on, I am the way.

As I've written before, I don't need to be useful to be valuable, and usefulness is contextual.

And just because I couldn't be their maid all the time, doesn't mean I wasn't useful or helpful in other ways.

It's interesting to think about now, but the times when I was most praised by the voldys were when I did domestic tasks.

They expected me to be their slave and answer their every whim and wish by doing dishes and cleaning clothes. They expected me to be mundane, because to be anything else meant that I was above both them and voldy jnr.

I am worth far more than that. And I will do far more than that.

I deserve so much better.

You do.

Rhiannon takes a seat next to me on the sofa, nibbling on a large lollipop.

We both know that was never what you wanted, nor do you have to resort to that. Sure, it's a noble profession and everyone needs them somewhat, but you do not exist for that purpose. You are so much greater, and I'm angry that those fools couldn't see that.

She rakes a hand through her hair, her nose wrinkled in disgust.

They were so cheap that they didn't even hire a fucking maid. They could have done, if that's what they'd wanted.

She's right. They had the money and the means at one point, including during mine and voldy jnr's childhoods, when they still got child benefit. Not to mention that they had my PIP, and had they said that they wanted to use some of it for that, then I would have been fine with it, to a degree. (That is, if they'd had a conversation with me about needs and what would and wouldn't help.)

A God confined to being a cleaner. How ironic.

Rhiannon wraps her arms around me.

Not any more.

I pause. Again, she's right. I don't live with the voldys any more. I don't have to live in anyone's shadow, or live quietly for anyone else's convenience any more. I don't have an indoor voice. Good. I never wanted one.

I nod.

Not any more.