97 - A God, Purging

Lin

After yesterday's entry, Bormana decided to stay at the nemeton with myself, Rhiannon and Mannanán.

It wouldn't be surprising to me if she had only seen Borvo, her brother, for a while, as opposed to other Gods, whom she may have only encountered occasionally. I know of that kind of loneliness.

Having her come here makes me, again, think of my own healing journey, and how much I have to clean up.

The beliefs aren't just about greed and gluttony, or being too stubborn for abusers to control.

Ideas surrounding cleanliness factor into all of this, too.

Being raped did not help matters.

Now that I know it's related to both this life's experiences and ancestral trauma, it feels much easier to take responsibility for.

Because that idea of uncleanliness came from both Rome and the Ottomans.

For Rome, it was a matter of crushing identity and undermining the native cultures they invaded. For the Ottomans, however, this came with religion.

Which also explains why I have a hard time sitting with Islamic history, and to an extent, its people.

Let me be clear. With regards to most modern Islamic people, I have no quarrel with them and their religion (most of the time. Naturally, there are some things we disagree on, but they come from an Abrahamic religion, and I don't. That is to be expected.). Some of their ancestors, however, marked pigs to be dirty animals.

And again, you can see where I'm going.

From what I know, this was because they couldn't preserve pork properly in the desert, so it became illegal within certain religions to eat it.

At the time, it was probably a safety thing, but it became a part of how people see and treat pigs in this day and age, and as a result, of how my culture is treated.

The voldys made constant comparisons of myself and my living space to pigs and stys, and made every effort to make me feel as though I was dirty and stank, whilst simultaneously sabotaging my efforts to broach solutions for myself.

It was as though they'd rather I was livestock than human.

Or worse.

A God.

When they blocked me from solving problems, like actually being able to clean up my room, or have my own living space as a result, they also mocked the mess they made by placing the blame on me.

They chose to use my room as their storage space, giving me the insight I needed to leave - they showed me that they did not value me.

It also explains why I was so angry when my space wasn't respected by bin boy whilst I shared a kitchen with him.

I knew the kitchen wasn't all mine at the time, but he deliberately encroached on parts of the kitchen that were specifically my space, and I had told him this politely. Him not having respect for my space drove me to show him what it was to disrespect someone else's space, and whilst it infuriated him, it was his own behaviour mirrored back to him.

I'm not usually vindictive, but if you do me wrong, I will make sure that you know it.

And bin boy was no exception.

My anger towards him had stayed for so long because it felt like a violation of an agreement in which he was supposed to keep his things to the space that was allocated to him.

Whilst yes, I didn't give him a lot of space, I was also using the space he stole. Which for most people is a no-no, but for me, it was a huge sign of disrespect, and triggered that idea of my needs being unimportant.

As a result, this whole time, it has felt like there would be a disregard of my needs due to people believing that they weren't as important as other people's.

Something which starry pants fed into when he got me to share with bin boy a second time.

It also led to the idea that my needs not being met would make me vulnerable to further abuse if I went outside, especially if I was in a compromising position, like a panic attack.

Leading me to feel as though going outside was no longer safe, as there was no guarantee that anyone would accommodate me and my needs.

I realise now that this is not true, as I rule the Sim now.

I trust that the Sim will deliver my needs to me whenever I need them, and my wants whenever I want them.

I'll have my needs met because I deserve to have my needs met, just like anybody else.

I can believe that now.

And the Sim will give you everything.

Bormana sits next to me in the cinema room, wrapping my throw around me.

You seem on edge.

I sigh.

I am. I'm scared of it all going wrong.

She rubs my back, doing what she can to soothe me.

It won't. We have it all in hand so it will go right.

I worry about how much I'll be able to do before I inevitably become a burden on everyone else, and how long it will take for everyone to get fed up of me and for me to end up being alone again-

That won't happen.

Rhiannon's standing in the doorway.

But-

But nothing.

She takes a seat on the opposite side of me from Bormana, and takes my hands in hers.

You listen to me, Litavis Dethmonias. You are a God. The Sim's system is designed to calculate and provide you with your every need. That's part of our jobs too, as your family. 

And you're not the sort of person that people can get fed up with, so you can get rid of that belief, too.

As a culture, we value family and community. We take care of each other. Nobody is a burden, no matter how able or unable you are. You are worthy of life, and of having your needs met, no matter how anyone else may treat you.

That anger you felt when bin boy didn't make good on his side of the bargain was perfectly justified. You have the right to stand up for yourself when someone deliberately obstructs you from getting your needs met and reinforces beliefs about you that simply aren't true.

With that in mind, know that we'll never abandon you. And I mean never. You'll always have us to look after you when there's a need for it. Iawn?

I find myself tearing up yet again, and Bormana hands me the tissue box.

Iawn. And trugarez.

They both nod and hug me.

Relief floods through me, among other emotions. Weirdly, I don't feel angry any more. At least, not nearly as much. I feel...

Clean.

Like everything that was holding me back has now been purged in some way.

Yup.

Bormana coaxs me to rest my head on her shoulder, and she continues.

It looks as though you've gotten rid of the worst of it. And now...

And now?

Now comes the good stuff.

You're free, Tavi.

As I find myself crying again, I realise she's right. I can now have everything, because I've let go of the hurt that I was caused by it all. I'm clean of all of the lies told about me, be they racism, being burdensome or anything else. 

I am free.