99 - A God, Worthy

Lin

Today I figured out a very harsh story that I'd been trying to pretend I wasn't telling myself, and it seems that it has been curbing my attempts at getting help.

I realise now that I internalised a combination of having to be useful and having to be happy in order to be seen as worthy of my own existence.

Now I know it's not true, but the voldys sure liked to leverage what pressure they could to guilt me into looking happy for the sake of their public image.

Because if I came off as happy, they could pass themselves off as good parents whether it was exposed that they kidnapped me or not.

I understand now that none of it is true, and that I deserve to love myself in spite of it feeling like my whole life hinges on whether or not I look happy enough.

And their abuse and neglect are the main reasons for my pain, not me myself. I see this clearly now.

I spent so long living my life according to their convenience that I never felt that I was allowed to be unhappy, even if I knew I had the right to it.

Every time I was unhappy, I was somehow punished for it.

Whether it was to do with my eating disorder, my suicidal ideation (at the time), my prepartum/postpartum depression (yes, I'm pretty sure it was that now, given how that timeline worked with me giving birth to my daughter), my anxiety, etc... I couldn't be seen as ill or unhappy.

I had the ideology of the stiff upper lip ingrained into my psyche from a young age.

For me to show that I was in pain was proof that they had indeed caused me harm, that I was right to feel that way.

Me being in pain, essentially, was a huge inconvenience to them and their image.

What's more, if I was outright ill, it meant that they couldn't mistreat me.

Not that they didn't mistreat me during my depression anyway, but it meant that they couldn't treat me the same way they had been before if word got out about it.

Then again, they also liked using that exact excuse to abuse in other more torturous ways.

It's funny, because the people who were supposed to help me were extremely bad at figuring out that I'd been abused. Or at least, didn't ask me any questions about how the voldys treated me.

So many times I was guilt tripped for things that weren't even my fault, and I think it's part of why what bin boy did to me affected me so much.

He used the exact same tactics that the voldys did whenever I stood up for myself and my boundaries - to try and destroy me and my credibility by verbally abusing and manipulating me.

Luckily, now I understand. And I know that I'm worthy of being treated like the God that I am.

And it's about damn time I was.

I know now that I was scared to admit it for fear of having to face the sadness and pain, and therefore my beliefs surrounding the worth of my existence.

Especially with regards to things like energy and executive dysfunction, which I've dealt with since before I left, and the voldys constantly guilt tripped me about for inconveniencing them.

They really were spoilt children, weren't they?

I turn, and standing there, in all her glory, is Psyche.

What are you doing here?

Giving you my blessing. Oh, and making sure that your psychologist gets you diagnosed and taken to therapy.

Thanks.

Of course. You deserve to be helped in the best ways you can be offered, and you deserve to advocate for what feels best for you.

The voldys didn't let you do that because they were a bunch of crybabies who didn't want to admit that most of your situation was their fault, and could easily have been solved if they changed their behaviour and listened to you. They basically parentified and infantilised you at the same time, which is hugely fucked up, and honestly, it explains a lot of why you are the way you are now.

As she says it, I realise how true it is.

The voldys wanted me to do all of the chores in the house for them whilst keeping up with schoolwork, whilst actively hindering my abilities to travel and cook, so that I would be reliant on them for as long as they wanted me to be.

I was also expected to always be healthy physically and mentally no matter what I did, and that my reactions had to be measured based on what they were feeling at the time, even if it was actively harmful to me.

One instance that comes to mind was when voldy jnr got her GCSE results and mrs voldy cheered and jumped up and down with her. When I got mine and was cheering about my English grade, mrs voldy barked at me to "sit down". It was clear then who was the favourite child. The more I look at it, the more signs I see that I wasn't their child.

I suppose they said it themselves: "We never expected anything from you."

And maybe that was the whole point - that they expected me to fail, and were angry that I didn't. Worse, I even surpassed voldy jnr in two subjects: English and French. Ironic that I was ahead of her in language, given one of my roles on the Sim. It also makes mr voldy attempting to cast a boon on my voice make more sense.

Yeah, they were all pieces of shit.

I think about it now, and each and every time someone has been a piece of shit to me, it's almost always been from a place of actively trying to stop me from doing my godly duties through targetting my wellbeing. 

The voldys did it, fashion rat did it, bin boy did it, my bullies at school did it... They were all actively looking to damage an area in my life to ensure that my wellbeing would prevent me from being the God that I am.

Sadly for them, you're a God no matter what they do.

Exactly.

And that's how I should think about it: no matter what happens, I am a God, and I am worthy of that title, because I do my job well, and I always do it to the best of my ability. But also, my existence in and of itself makes me worthy of life, love and security in all forms.

Knowing this now, I feel I can move on from bin boy, as I moved on from fashion rat. The voldys are an ongoing process, given how long it was. But I understand properly now that it was jealousy that I am, indeed, a God, and that I have decent boundaries, that caused him to do all he did to me. So whilst I have no intentions of forgiving him, I can firmly say that I have no intention of entertaining him or allowing him to live rent free in my mind any more. He can fuck off now.

As for the voldys, I still have a lot to unpack, and I'll probably end up talking more about it here as things go along, especially with therapy. Of course, I'll always interact with my family and spirit guides now to help the process go along smoothly, as now I know it's a need.

Which is a good thing, and you can keep doing it with all of us.

Thanks, Psyche.

Of course, you're my cousin.

She opens her arms to embrace me, and I accept. Our hug ends up being a five way hug, as Bormana, Rhiannon and Mannanán join us, and for the first time in a long time, it feels like I'm back with my family. Properly.

We'll always be here.

After a while, everyone lets go, and Psyche smiles. 

I have a gift for you.

She pulls out what looks like a pocket mirror woth a rose on the back of it.

Remember that story about Aphrodite making that mirror that allows you to see the beauty of your soul?

For Hephaestos? Yes, I remember.

She hands it over to me, and simply winks.

Wait, you mean this...?

She grins, nodding.

They both wanted you to have some of what was left of the rock.

I open it up, and I see myself in an entirely different light.

And now you know why Terrence calls you gorgeous.

I roll my eyes, but I can't keep the smile off my face.

Tell your mother in law that I appreciate her gift.

Of course.

She reaches out for another hug, and I take it.

Take care of yourself.

And you, cousin.

She nods, and smiles. Waving, she turns and disappears, leaving rose petals behind.

And... we're going to need the broom this time.

I cackle.

Well, that's my cousins for you.

Manny smiles.

Yeah. They're good people. I'm glad ye have them.

He pauses, then ruffles my hair.

We'll always be here for ye, too.

Gura mie ayd.

He nods.

Rhi, where's the broom?