112 - A God, Resplendent

Lin

I had a weird dream earlier today about one of my ex friends from college and a good friend of mine from university.

This ex friend is actually someone I used to be insanely jealous of, because she seemed to have basically everything handed to her, as well as getting a large amount of attention despite being fairly average at what she did at the time.

If I'm honest, my main roots of upset at her didn't actually come from jealousy - it was more anger.

Anger at her ingratitude towards what she had, anger towards her self centredness, her self serving way of handling people, anger at how little she paid attention to those she claimed to care about. There's a lot I don't like about her.

Now, none of these things necessarily make her a bad person overall, but she definitely wasn't friend material.

In this dream, the good friend of mine from university I was talking about confessed his love to her.

There are several reasons why I was mad about this:

1. I saw this girl go in and out of three relationships in the space of a year, one of which was a rebound that she went into knowing full well she wasn't over her ex.

2. I had confessed to this friend myself a few years ago and I was rejected, as he only saw me as a friend. I am fine with this. We're both fine with this. My reservation is that I know she's not good enough for him in terms of personality due to said criticisms I have of her above, among other things, as I knew her fairly intimately for a year. If he could reject me as he only saw me as friend material, either he has shit taste (which I would never accuse him of, because he doesn't), or, more likely, he doesn't know her well enough to make an informed decision about being in a relationship with her.

3. He confessed this whilst among a group of friends, which, whilst lovely, could definitely make things more complicated if they haven't worked things out one to one initially. What's more, there's likely more pressure to make a decision about whether you'll accept or decline to be in a relationship with the other person, and as far as I know, that's not how my uni friend operates. He has more consideration in mind than that with regards to those things.

Keep in mind in this dream too, that I was basically overlooked, especially with regards to my singing voice, over this ex friend of mine, whose voice is weaker than a dormouse.

As in, I got to sing one line before being told to pack it in.

I know I have an amazing singing voice with decent, powerful range. She does not. It doesn't mean that she shouldn't get her time to shine - it's more that she should practise her skills like vocal range and whatnot to strengthen her voice and improve, none of which did I really see her doing, at the expense of her own voice.

The more I look at it, the more I realise how much of an airhead she was.

Utterly vapid.

Ya, sure, I was very emotionally unstable at that time, but I was also dealing with an abusive household and the fact that I'd been taken from the one group of people that I actually felt cared about me at the time.

I was struggling with a multitude of mental health issues and had no one to actually help me, not to mention that I had to pretend that I was ok with the voldys to ensure that the circumstances of the strangling incident weren't repeated.

Worse part of it all was that almost everyone liked her.

She literally flitted from one thing to another endlessly. Sure, she could have been neurodivergent like myself, but she sure as hell didn't act like it.

Maybe over the past three or four years, she's changed, but I wouldn't be so sure.

Perhaps it's just that I've always been fairly mature, and so I have far less patience with people who are not.

Either way, the whole dream, and the history behind my relationship with this girl from college, has felt like a whole barrage of insults.

Some of these things have genuinely made me feel like everyone liked her, and people like her, better than me, despite me knowing that I can offer more than her. It comes back to something I said to one of my friends about being the mocha that nobody wants. I know what my husband would say about this, though.

You're the limited edition amaretto mocha that only gets released every few years. Other times, people don't fully understand the hype around you. But you're the most amazing out of all of them, not just because you're rare, but because you're better than people say you are. You're beyond heavenly.

At least I can say that my husband appreciates me.

And that's something to be thankful for.

I look at my existence now, and I realise that I've tried to take responsibility for other people's needs by shrinking myself, which is something that the voldys taught me to do.

They always used to complain about how I didn't have an indoor voice, or me 'stomping around like an elephant' whenever I was dancing (especially during doing the dishes. Real eating disorder fuel...), or actively preventing me from doing fun or independent things like playing guitar or cooking, because they didn't want me to amount to being anything useful or well known without their consent.

Heck, I wasn't even allowed to cry when mrs voldy's dad died, despite my close relationship with him.

She tried to make it sound reassuring because she was in front of people, but I know what she meant - that I didn't have the right to feel this amount of sadness or elaborately express my grief, because I wasn't family.

I ended up crying in college because I had to take a time out anyway, so it's not like she would have stopped me anyway.

But the reminder that I wasn't family, but a glorified maid, gave me all the more reason to hide everything from them. And when I say everything, I mean everything.

I'm going to allow myself to take up space from now on.

And if I need or want something, I will have it.

Because that's as much as I deserve.

I couldn't agree more.

Da walks in, smiling.

You deserve all the good that this Sim has to offer, should you so choose to take it.

I nod, and find myself smiling, too.

Trugarez, Da.

He shakes his head, and ruffles my hair.

It's true. No need to thank me.

Taking a seat next to me, he pulls out what looks like Deliveroo.

Ice cream?

I grin.

Ya, let's do it.