113 - A God, Deserving

Lin

Weirdly, I feel a lot better today.

Sundays always feel like a relief whilst I'm here, as I know that on Monday, I can speak to a caseworker about anything that might concern me.

I managed to eat again, which is always great.

The steak meals I get are always delicious.

Also, I had a very strange dream last night.

I spent some time with an old friend from primary school, basically window shopping, and we ended up going into this large shopping centre, but it had almost become decrepit and full of birds.

Before I woke up, I saw a starling dying.

It was dying, and there was nothing I could do for it.

The first person I was reminded of was Branwen.

I hate to think that my cousin could have been in danger, but especially by the possibility of me seeing this old friend of mine.

I say this, but this friend did play devil's advocate for the voldys in a way when we last had a phone call.

Which was more than three years ago now.

Even so, I think it's important that I keep that kind of energy out of my life.

Especially if Branwen's life will be at stake as a result of said energy.

I am deserving of better people around me - those who properly advocate for abuse survivors.

And that is the truth.

Perhaps I shouldn't consider this person a friend any more.

The last time she tried to speak to me was in July. I replied late, as I was doing a serious digital detox after severe cyberbullying at the time, so I didn't initially notice her message. Maybe it was a good thing that I didn't. There's a possibility that I am way beyond her now in wisdom and maturity.

To be honest, I do get the sense that I am beyond most of my age group in maturity right now.

It would explain me getting irritated with people who learn the lessons of life slower than me, or refuse to learn them properly in general.

If that is indeed the case, I consider myself to be lucky to be where I am now.

Despite the experiences I've had thus far, I have come out of this with wisdom way beyond most people of my age, and to an extent, have coping mechanisms for my situation.

And you're doing really well, lad.

Mannanán walks into the room, ruffles my hair and takes a seat by me.

Ye might think you're on your own physically, but ye aren't. Just know that.

You'll know when ye see it.

I smile.

Cheers, Manny.

He nods.

Of course. You having healthy friendships based on mutual trust, understanding and protection from toxic behaviours is extremely important for ye, and you're already doing really well, so ye should be proud of yerself.

I feel myself beaming. I'm not used to being praised for my achievements in this way - especially not with regards to personal growth. The voldys often only praised me for what suited them, or if they could be bothered. Whereas my parents, Olly, Mannanán, and everyone else, godly family and friends or otherwise, have genuinely taken the time to know me as a person, and how far I've come in said personhood.

And that's what makes them my real family. Yes, it's also flesh and blood and bone that sews us together, but it's their actions and their support of me through everything in the lives I've led so far, including this one, that makes our genetic bonds have greater meaning.

I will always cherish them as my own family, because they always have been my family. And they always will be. And when the DNA tests come out after we find each other, they'll hold true to us being matches to one another in all the right ways.

I believe that.

Aye. It won't be long now.

He passes me a tub of Kelly's clotted cream ice cream and grins.

Dessert?

I mirror him.

Dessert!