114 - A God, Deshelling

Lin

Today has made me very happy.

I managed to speak to my new neighbour again, and it's made me really happy. Like, so happy.

I even ate food with her, which I enjoyed (though I couldn't eat lots of it because it was spicy...). 

She did warn me, so it's my fault, lol.

We seem to have a lot in common, so I think we'll get along.

When she talked about getting people out of their shell, she really did mean it. A deshelling, of sorts, anyway.

I am a bit tipsy though, as I drank a libation to the Gods, so I ought to be careful.

Eating will probably help, but I need to be careful of what I choose to eat.

Carbing up will probably be best.

That'll probably soak up most of the alcohol.

I haven't even finished the libation yet, which makes this even more ironic.

Usually I'm fairly good at holding my drink, but obviously today wasn't a time to be good at that.

I won't say what the libation was for, but what I will say is that it'll change everything.

I wholeheartedly believe that.

Tomorrow I'm meant to be seeing my caseworker again, which I know will also be great.

I haven't yet worked on the stuff to do with my therapy sessions, but I will. It's likely I'll be asked about that at some point.

Other than that, I look forward to this week.

As I said in a previous entry, I missed a call from my housing officer at the council, so I'm sure at some point she'll get back to me.

I'm a lot happier than I was, which is probably due to me listening to specific subliminals to help with that.

It really does seem as though they're working.

Because I've been crying so much less as well, it's meant that I haven't felt so heavy, either.

Although drinking has also impacted that, so again, I ought to be careful.

As I trawl through my thoughts, I realise that a part of me is afraid to be happy.

The only reason I can think of is because of the possibility of it being ruined, which in and of itself is a self fulfilling prophecy, but it is what it is.

Given that the voldys did everything they could to ruin my happiness, I assume that this has become a safety mechanism within me to ensure that I don't get hurt for the umpteenth time.

Perhaps this time, I should allow myself the idea that everything will fall into place.

You absolutely should.

Da walks in, and ruffles my hair.

You've been living with this anxiety for so long that you've forgotten that you're allowed to have fun, especially with others.

He's right. I've been scared to have fun with others lest it all come crashing down, and it be all my fault Even now, I have some anxiety around getting close to people, because I'm a God. It comes with the territory. Some people I know I won't be able to tell, whether it be for my safety or theirs. I wish that being a God was a safer experience, like it used to be.

It will be.

Da sits besides me, curling an arm around my shoulders.

You're the start of that. And you know what? You're allowed to be happy, Lin. Whether or not people choose to accept that you are a God or not doesn't matter, nor does what you tell them, so long as they value, respect and understand you as much as they can. 

Of course, it's scary. But if you don't go out there, you won't meet other Gods. And you deserve that experience. You deserve to be at home, truly at home, on this Sim. You deserve to be recognised for what you are - our leader. So your needs, as far as I'm concerned, are just as valid as ours, as anyone else's, if not more so because of your position. You hold us together. That's a huge responsibility. Don't forget that.

I find myself crying again, and he allows me to hug him.

Whatever you need, whatever happens, you're always safe with us. Mat eo din?

I nod, dabbing at tears and snot. 

Mat eo din.

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