120 - A God, Doing Their Best

Lin

It's been pretty quiet today.

In a way, it's nice, but also kind of eerie.

Honestly, I wish that I felt I could do more, but I don't right now.

And maybe, right now, that's ok. I am a God, doing their best, given the circumstances - that's all that matters.

I'm treating myself with gentleness now, as I know that few other people will do that for me.

That way, I choose the score, and I can therefore come out of this period of my life with more support, and happier than ever.

Just because I'm now an adult, doesn't mean that I don't need help, too.

At least, for now, anyway.

Now I've realised something about myself, too.

People tend to assume a lot of loaded things about me, but especially with regards to my financial situation.

This may very well be to do with the fact that my natal Pluto is in my second house, which is of money.

It would also explain my highs and lows regarding money, and how well I treat myself as a result of it, besides the fact that the voldys literally treated me like shit.

The more I think about both of those things, the more it makes sense.

A lot of my worth has been built up on how much people have been willing to do for me, especially monetarily. The voldys rarely bought me anything, unless they felt they absolutely had to in order to save face. 

The only exception I can think of was when I was vegetarian during my time with them, which was a decision I made because they were spiritually poisoning me. But even then, I couldn't control what was bought for me. It's almost like that was one thing I could control in my life when I was abused - my choice in food.

Perhaps that's why food has been such an issue. My reasons now are monetary as well as conflict or mockery avoidant now, but it doesn't change the fact that food and eating has now become a significant negative trigger in my life now, despite my love for it.

Money and people wise, I've imposed a severe amount of isolation on, in the hopes that my needs and desires wouldn't trump the needs of others. 

All that has done is instill anger in me, and caused me to realise that the reason I shrink myself to fit other people's needs is because I was taught by the voldys, and by society, to do that, instead of following my own needs and happiness.

You shouldn't.

My uncle, Ploutos, walks in, and takes a seat next to me.

I know.

He frowns, and I can sense him picking up on my sadness.

What is it that you really need, Litavis?

I pause, feeling myself come to the verge of tears. I have had this discussion before, in my last bad patch spiritually - I remember crying about how nobody ever asked what I needed, because it felt that nobody valued my opinion. I knew there was something deeper to it, but I wasn't ready to face it at the time. 

I think I am now.

I need to be valued. As in, really valued, and respected, for what I can give, and what my needs and desires are for myself and what I bring to the Sim and its people. 

I need to know that no matter what, I will always be loved, and taken care of, even if I can't give as much as I would be expected to usually give. I need a guarantee that I will be spared punishment, ridicule and/or resentment if I don't bend and break my back to give to people. 

Essentially, I need to know that I'll be safe, whether I choose to give of myself or not, and that I can still guarantee that I am of value within my family, socially, romantically and societally if I choose not to give for my own sake.

Ploutos nods. The sudden sensation of my throw being wrapped around me catches me slightly offguard, but as soon as I notice that it's Terrence, I relax. He sits by me, wrapping his arms around both me and the throw. The Gods only know how much he heard of the conversation up until this point. I can sense he wants to help, so I snuggle into him, and he strokes my head as Ploutos responds to my answer.

That, my dear nibling, should be a given for everyone. You struggling with self care is not truly your fault when all the tools you were given were ones that were intended for you to destroy yourself with.

Terrence nods, and Ploutos continues.

You deserve to love and be loved, and to have people care for you when you cannot do that yourself. You deserve a family, and to be given the best of everything, especially after the horrors that you've experienced. 

He leans forward, taking my hands in his.

And nobody, absolutely nobody, should ever think that they can make you feel any differently, nor attempt to bring you down because of their own damaged self image. You can choose to reject that. Do you understand?

I nod.

But, most of all, you deserve to rise. To be treated like the king, scratch that, the GOD that you are, by everyone who ever gets the pleasure of grazing shoulders with you. And if they don't treat you with that respect, they don't deserve to remain in your presence.

I find myself teary again, and Terrence immediately reaches for the tissue box as Ploutos releases my hands.

Ευχαριστώ. (Evcharistó.)

Ploutos smiles gently.

Παρακαλώ. (Parakaló.)