121 - A God, Intuitive

Lin

So now I actually know why the voldys kidnapped me.

One or both of the voldys held a grudge against my parents, and so decided to use me as leverage.

Because the voldys felt weak, they thought that using me would mean that they would have power over my family.

It is utterly sickening.

They were such misers that they didn't truly see my value or properly take care of me, so I learned not to, either.

No wonder I'm struggling with the idea of self worth and how much value myself and my needs hold in life.

Also, it explains why I reacted so badly to bin boy.

He was pushing a button with regards to self worth about how much I should have because he himself couldn't imagine himself having it, and so didn't want anyone else, including me, to have it either.

Living with the voldys was exactly like that - I was always given all the hand-me-downs that voldy jnr had grown out of (even underwear), I was expected to not ask for what I needed or wanted and to not kick up a fuss if things were genuinely going horribly, among other things.

People wonder what's wrong with me when I had those cockroaches for parents.

As I write this, I can hear Reynolds in system yelling about what we do with cockroaches (which is spray them with Raid) very obnoxiously.

He always knows how to make me laugh.

Today, again, has been very quiet.

Most days are quiet here now, which is actually nice, although I wish I could get myself out of this self imposed isolation I've made into a habit.

Tomorrow I have my next GP appointment, and I don't know if I'm ready for it.

I have everything I need for it, so long as I remember to take it with me, but I'm still a bit on edge thinking about it. Realistically, I'll probably be fine.

There's another thing I should add, which is that my UC work coach wants to speak to me.

Which, given my lack of attendance to UC appointments, is understandable. I'll have to speak to my mental health practitioner about getting one for longer than two months, as I'm not exactly in shape to work right now, and I know I won't be for a while.

Spiritually, and mentally, I'm exhausted.

I know I won't be for long, but I sense this weight hanging over my head like an omen of poor faith. 

Let it wash away.

Terrence is stroking my hair, and I nod, surrendering to the embrace. Intuitively, this is what I need to do - I must allow myself now to receive, and allow others to do the heavy lifting where I cannot.

Trugarez, again.

I sense him smiling as he runs his hands through my hair.

Always.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

51 - A God, Reaching

Lin  Yesterday I had a panic attack almost as bad as the one I had at UC about a month ago. When they come up, it's crippling. I always knew that my panic attacks came from the concern of how much physical energy I would have to do a certain thing, and whether or not I'd end up being vulnerable in a public place. Again, it was always mrs voldy who said I was vulnerable, when in truth, I am about as vulnerable as anybody else who is white and femme presenting. Which is, to an extent, vulnerable, but not the sort that I was being led to believe. And anyone without the proper support they need is vulnerable to an extent. My limbs and head ache with the tension that I was doing my best to avoid. My kidney isn't particularly happy, either. I'll bet you anything that if the doctors ever get a look at my kidney, they'll find a laceration where I was stabbed. It's not subtle. They'll see it. And then the voldys will be in serious trouble. I had to speak to another c
Read more

266 - A God, Green

Lin I visited Greenwich today. After the reclaiming last night, it only felt right. What I found there is still something I'm processing. Let's just say that the people of Greenwich remember me, and venerate me. They've built a statue of me near the Millennium Sundial, marking the entrance to a huge nemeton that spans from there across Greenwich Park, to the Cornish Rebellion Memorial. Knowing that the people and spirits of the area remember me and love me brings tears to my eyes, even now. Somehow, I managed to do what I set out to in the first place - take back the meridian that's mine. Frankly, I thought I'd have to wage all out war to get it back - and I'm so grateful that I figured out a quicker, more peaceful way of liberating Greenwich. Currently, I'm back at the first nemeton, helping Arthur with his maps. My new nemetona have now been marked on the map, and some of mine and others' older ones are also being dug up by the timeline enchantment I p
Read more

300 - A God, Shedding

Lin Over the past few weeks, my energy has felt really low, both physically and mentally. But especially mentally. Physically, it's started to become worse, particularly after switching between distance reiki healers I use on YouTube. Yet something tells me that with this change, I'm shedding energy, like an old skin - just like I would in my Gorgon form, shedding snake skin from my hair every now and again . As they like to say... "Out with the old, in with the new." Take today, for example, when some people came over to clear up the house's greenery, which was long overgrown - that had to be pruned in order to make way for the new. I'm considering asking my caseworker about the kinds of flowers we could put in our garden - though they would need maintenance.
Read more