124 - A God, Of Many Names

Lin

Discovering yet another one of your epithets in the midst of research is surreal, but funny.

I now know one of my nicknames (which is still being used) was used in one of my mother's sanctuaries over two thousand years ago, so this is fun.

The whole situation is actually making me think of who I want to be, what qualities I want to foster within myself, and the habits I should keep to best impact my wellbeing.

Especially given that many of my abusers undermined and undervalued me and my time, as well as dismissing, ignoring or even punishing me for my needs based upon what suited them at the time.

What do I want, based upon what I don't want?

Probably depends on what I'm looking at.

For starters, I am beginning to eat better. Or at least, it looks to be that I am.

Mainly because I want to, and I've realised that I deserve to be able to make use of my time to do that.

Other things may well come later, but I've also figured out that the huge expanse of time to myself that I have now has probably set off a whole load of other trauma and potential shame triggers simply because my time now belongs to me.

Now, I'm going to be the one to decide how my time is spent, as opposed to doing 'what I ought to do' based upon ugly preconceived notions of what independence should be or look like.

Because of that, I want to ensure that the epithets, the self talk, the counsel that I give myself, and the counsel that I accept, are as positive as they possibly can be.

And so I will take the names, the descriptions, the meanings of the stories that have been told about me, past, present and future, and weave them into something gorgeous, just like I deserve.

As you should, lovely.

Yet again, Terrence has snuck up behind me to rest his arms over my shoulders. I smile.

So you weren't going to remind me?

I can't see him, but I can sense him raising an eyebrow.

That epithet is so obscure that I almost forgot that it had been used in that way. Not to mention that I didn't even recall that Pausanias had written about it.

I stretch my neck and bend slightly to perceive him reversed for a minute, gauging his reaction. 

Mat eo din, I'll give you the floor.

He laughs, and takes a seat beside me, offering me an embrace that I accept.

Karout a ran ac'hanout. And you deserve to get back everything that was stolen from you.

I snuggle into his chest, and he sighs contentedly.

Trugarez.

As he runs his hands through my hair, he replies.

I'm your husband. It's a given that I'll always do my best to lift you up, just as you do for me, and have done for the past fifty billion or so years when you've had the chance to. That's a long commitment, and I intend to keep it working for as long as we both can make it so.

If I'm honest, I could spend forever with you. But I also know you would only want that on the condition that we were both mutually happy with that. But I think for now, we can be just like this.

My eyes are misty, so I do my best not to make it obvious, but I'm pretty sure he's already sensed it, as he's passing me the tissue box.

Karout a ran ac'hanout. And if forever does exist, I'd want to spend it with you too.

I dab at my face.

Agh, sappy!

He starts giggling, and so do I. I'm pretty sure the whole nemeton is confused now, but hearing us laugh likely sparks joy, too.

Sappy is adorable on you.

My face is growing warm, so I'm predicting that when I glance at him, he'll be beaming. Sure enough, the Sun is in my face.

I don't really have anything to say, so I just curl up in his arms. Then I figure out at least one thing.

Happiness looks good on you.

Well, it's true. He's blushing now.

Now we're even.

He grins, shaking his head.

You really are something else, Vissie. What am I going to do with you?

I give the response I usually do.

Stay?

He strokes my cheek.

What else would I do?