126 - A God, Energised

Lin

So I've yet again found something to reflect upon.

Today, I've realised that the idea of getting a job has felt scary for me because the ways I had of earning money before I left were essentially back breaking.

I did say a few times on this blog that the voldys used me as a glorified servant, but I don't think that I adequately explained the extent to which I suffered at their hands within that regard.

Oftentimes the services I had to do were after school, and so I almost always had a ridiculous amount to do on top of trying to complete schoolwork and self care tasks like brushing my teeth, or taking a shower.

As a result, I would return home from school, college or university, and be treated with a high level of disdain as a result of needing physical rest or general self care from both the travelling and working I had done for the day.

Ridiculed and abused, I usually bent to their will, and there were sometimes days that I'd stay up until midnight or 1am to get the chores done. Or worse - I wouldn't be able to complete my homework or coursework as a result of being too tired from slaving away at chores that weren't even my responsibility.

It wasn't just my time that wasn't appreciated - it was the amount of energy I had to do things.

Given also that the voldys added monetary gain as incentives to get me to slave away at things they themselves should have been doing, I feel that somewhere along the way, I equated earning money with not having any agency over how I would use my energy.

Adding to this, I was even burdened with chores that I didn't truly need to do, like writing a diary of all the things I was doing at school.

Which, if you don't know, is most definitely helicoptering, and therefore abusive parenting. Keep in mind that mrs voldy also made it clear that she wanted to keep the diaries so she could later publish them, marking me as a cash cow yet again, but instead, for the ridiculous amount of suffering that I went through in school, as opposed to just the suffering I experienced at their hands whilst they pushed for a PDD diagnosis.

Being in shared has exacerbated this experience in new ways that I wasn't even aware were possible until now, such as the deprivation of time and space in communal areas to take care of my needs, among other things I have dealt with during my time imprisoned with the voldys, such as shaming.

Knowing what I know now, I'm going to do my best to aim for being more energetic, and gradually taking my place again as a God on this Sim. Nothing too slow or quick - I want to ensure that whatever I work on, I'm ready for, and that I can stop and take breaks whenever I choose to do so.

Furthermore, I will engage in things that bring me joy, as opposed to things that do not - and where I can within my means, I will delegate the things that I dislike to those who do enjoy them and are therefore willing to do them.

My time is valuable, as is my energy, and I want to devote my energy to what nourishes me, and can potentially nourish others in the same vein, too.

That's a good way of thinking about it.

Arianrhod seats herself next to me, offering me a choice of chocolates from our Thorntons box.

Ah, diolch.

I pinch a strawberry truffle from the box, and she smiles.

So I was right in thinking that those were your favourites.

I grin.

Ie. And I appreciate that.

Her smile grows wider, and she takes my hands in hers.

Always remember, Tavi: your time, your energy, your LIFE, as a Time God, is the most important thing there is in your existence - and you reserve the right to prioritise that in order to make things better for other people, no matter how angry those who want more than they're owed get. 

Iawn?

I nod.

Iawn.

Do you want to watch Merlin?

She nods.

Sure.