127 - A God, Owed Recompense

Lin 

Another day, another realisation.

This time, it's a whole lot heavier.

I figured out that the voldys felt like my real parents owed them something, due to what they believed to be some form of 'soul connection'.

Now I know that it's likely to be a huge pile of bullshit that isn't based in reality, but given the way they treated me too, it wouldn't surprise me.

For me, my entire life was spent being treated like I owed the people around me solely for existing.

My neurodivergency was just the icing on the cake, because it gave everyone something to blame and make further accusations of debt upon due to their lack of experience, and common sense, on how to actually look after neurodivergent people, especially children.

With that in mind, I fully believe that if anything, all of those who mistreated me, intentionally or not, owe me for their mistakes on how I was treated and cared for.

Everyone who truly failed me will know what it feels like to burn.

Remembering how mrs voldy used to say that she always felt a soul connection to me, and how deeply she tried to dig her claws into me during my lifetime by constantly helicoptering, the whole situation gives me the ick.

I know I said that people owe me for abusing and mistreating me, but I don't say it out of arrogance - I say it because these people I speak of outright watched abuse take place on their doorstep, and did nothing to help, all because I was neurodivergent, and I wouldn't obey mrs voldy. They owe me because they refused to do anything when they could have done with minimal danger to them. Instead, I was forced to make a life changing decision and put myself in danger multiple times in order to escape my abuse. And this woman they called their friend made a damn good point about stunting my growth, with them as witnesses, all whilst preaching this idea of being 'spiritually connected' to a child she literally kidnapped.

So yes, I do think that I'm owed something.

I'm owed the past twenty years of my life back, in full, with my real parents, my real brother, and my real family.

For most of the time I've been awake, I've felt this weirdly heavy energy.

I should check today's astrological transits.

I know that it's most likely just me, but it's felt difficult, and I'm not quite sure why.

Perhaps it's because this whole time, I have lived in fear of my future, and the voldys being proven right about what I can and can't do.

And I know that their opinions haven't been based in reality, or have been based in manipulating my circumstances to fit their narratives, but I can't help being worried.

Ya, I need to see a therapist that will go deeper than CBT with regards to me.

I live every day with this fear of being prevented from getting my needs met, of being able to find joy in the things I do, and of my body collapsing in on itself from negligence, discomfort, pain, exhaustion, or a combination of them.

How do you fight fear when your fear is life itself?

You fight it by enlisting other people to help you fight it.

Terrence seats himself next to me, pulling me into his lap, and his arms.

I don't think I can do this.

Tears blur my vision, and in my heart, I sense the leaves of shame poke at my veins. At that, Terrence gently rubs my chest.

You can. You may just need other people to help guide you. And there's no shame in that.

Everyone who has stayed over from Imbolc onwards who remain have now convened into this room. They don't say anything. They don't need to.

Trugarez. 

My Da shakes his head, and ruffles my hair.

We're always here for you.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

51 - A God, Reaching

Lin  Yesterday I had a panic attack almost as bad as the one I had at UC about a month ago. When they come up, it's crippling. I always knew that my panic attacks came from the concern of how much physical energy I would have to do a certain thing, and whether or not I'd end up being vulnerable in a public place. Again, it was always mrs voldy who said I was vulnerable, when in truth, I am about as vulnerable as anybody else who is white and femme presenting. Which is, to an extent, vulnerable, but not the sort that I was being led to believe. And anyone without the proper support they need is vulnerable to an extent. My limbs and head ache with the tension that I was doing my best to avoid. My kidney isn't particularly happy, either. I'll bet you anything that if the doctors ever get a look at my kidney, they'll find a laceration where I was stabbed. It's not subtle. They'll see it. And then the voldys will be in serious trouble. I had to speak to another c
Read more

266 - A God, Green

Lin I visited Greenwich today. After the reclaiming last night, it only felt right. What I found there is still something I'm processing. Let's just say that the people of Greenwich remember me, and venerate me. They've built a statue of me near the Millennium Sundial, marking the entrance to a huge nemeton that spans from there across Greenwich Park, to the Cornish Rebellion Memorial. Knowing that the people and spirits of the area remember me and love me brings tears to my eyes, even now. Somehow, I managed to do what I set out to in the first place - take back the meridian that's mine. Frankly, I thought I'd have to wage all out war to get it back - and I'm so grateful that I figured out a quicker, more peaceful way of liberating Greenwich. Currently, I'm back at the first nemeton, helping Arthur with his maps. My new nemetona have now been marked on the map, and some of mine and others' older ones are also being dug up by the timeline enchantment I p
Read more

300 - A God, Shedding

Lin Over the past few weeks, my energy has felt really low, both physically and mentally. But especially mentally. Physically, it's started to become worse, particularly after switching between distance reiki healers I use on YouTube. Yet something tells me that with this change, I'm shedding energy, like an old skin - just like I would in my Gorgon form, shedding snake skin from my hair every now and again . As they like to say... "Out with the old, in with the new." Take today, for example, when some people came over to clear up the house's greenery, which was long overgrown - that had to be pruned in order to make way for the new. I'm considering asking my caseworker about the kinds of flowers we could put in our garden - though they would need maintenance.
Read more