128 - A God, Trusting

Lin 

Weirdly, today I feel like mentioning the yoghurt I'm eating right now.

Somehow I know that it was a brand that my Maman used to buy me as a kid. I don't know how I know, but I do.

There's something about the whole thing of me talking about it that makes me feel like there's more to it than just the yoghurt.

All I can attest to is what I'm being given information wise, and I'm not sure it would be wise of me to divulge any further.

I have been a lot more relaxed and able to engage in things I enjoy today, though.

Earlier, I was able to put on some music and not feel too stressed out, which makes me think that I'm improving somewhat, even if right now, I'm struggling to do things by myself.

Ok, I just wrote a song about wanting to end someone's existence.

I'll leave it up to you to guess who.

But in all seriousness, it's better that I express it through a medium of art than end up actually doing it and therefore ruining my life.

Besides, I'm already on a path of gradually bettering my life. My main focus should be on that. Though perhaps expressing even the darkest thoughts I have within art forms is a good way of blowing off steam. And given that recently, a specific song has become extremely popular in mainstream media that deals with killing someone's ex and their new girlfriend, I think this is probably on the same level.

Honestly, I don't remember allowing myself this much anger before.

Then again, I've spent my life being shamed for my anger instead of using it constructively or being able to express it in a way that wouldn't harm others. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it here, but I was raised to be afraid and ashamed of my anger. For me, any expression of it is an act of rebellion.

And I'll admit, self control is a thing I've had to learn with regards to that, as I have a large amount of deep set anger and frustration that hasn't yet been resolved, but I'm sure I have a good handle on it at the moment.

Come to think of it, maybe the yoghurt does connect with all this.

From what I know about myself, I hold a lot of anger for being separated from my parents and brother, from my family, as a result of a petty feud. Up until I left, and even after, I didn't have a high level of control over my life. It was only during my Summer Of Darkness that I began to regain control, and that was partially due to a good friend's help, which unfortunately took its toll on their wellbeing at the time as well. 

Since then, I've never truly unpacked the full extent of my anger. But what I do know is that it is very old, and not to be fucked with.

I mean, this is billions of years of unresolved bullshit that has been left unresolved and with little closure. It's natural that I'd still have strong feelings about it, especially given the environments I've been exposed to.

You and all of us, ma kared.

Yup.

Both Terrence and Manny now sit with me, with Terrence keeping me close. I allow it, resting my head in the crook of his neck.

Skuizh.

Manny nods.

Aye. I'm tired of it too, lad.

Terrence runs his hand through my hair.

We've got you.

I nod, curling up on Terrence's lap, and I sense both Terrence and Manny smirking.

Comfortable?

I give an affirmative chirp, and Manny chuckles.

This is the second time this has happened.

Terrence wheezes.

Allow the fluff, Manny!

I almost start giggling myself when I sense someone else enter the room and sit next to Manny. 

Now that Arianrhod is here, we're all losing it. When she realises why, she shakes her head and smiles.

All three of you are something else.