131 - A God, Seeing

Lin

It seems that I've been deceived.

One of rickmansworth's 'eyes' has been in our system the whole time.

From what I can tell, luckily, he genuinely seems to want to redeem himself, so I've given him probably the most perilous task possible for him.

But he will no longer be a hostage, nor will his family be, so the finger is off the trigger for him. For now.

He's someone I've known for a long time - for lifetimes. It looks as though his boundaries have gotten really bad since being under rickmansworth.

With time, he'll learn again.

The whole situation caught me completely offguard, as there is history there, and I know some of that has been more than being solely friends.

And remembering that has made this all the more painful for me.

Come to think of it, a few past lovers have shown up in system recently.

Quite a few of them have been femme, I might add.

It's like I'm seeing the whole system for the first time (again).

My whole view of what is and what isn't feels somewhat skewed.

Even knowing that I am safe now, I still have my concerns.

I'm also experiencing some stuff to do with my energy levels being high, which I know isn't brilliant, given that I have few safe outlets to let off steam in right now.

You're safer than you know.

Arianrhod sits with me again. Weirdly, it feels as though I need to speak with her.

What did rickmansworth do to him?

She sighs, raking her hands through her hair, knowing full well of whom I'm asking about.

He did worse than put his family on the line. He also convinced him that there was a hierarchy for those you consider lovers, and that it was like having a share in you - that his way of treating you would be no different.

Oh, this bastard's getting an arse kicking when I get the chance...

Because he wanted me to himself.

She nods.

That bastard couldn't stand seeing you happy without him and him alone.

There was never love on my side of things, and so he must have objected to rickmansworth's advances after finding that out. 

But he couldn't leave.

Aye, he couldn't up and leave.

I take this in. It's as I thought, but in a way, makes the entire thing worse. I feel like I need to make it clear how my love life works, and who within that circle is who.

The only person within all of that who takes precedence is Terrence, but that's only because he's my husband. Had things worked out when me and Lucifer had gotten engaged, he would likely take precedence. However, in Gaulish and Greek culture, it's also not uncommon to marry multiple people, so those who married me would be prioritised. Then it would go down to who approaches me most, but also which of us fulfils each other's needs best. And that can be subject to change.

I know we were close once. I trusted him with a lot of things. Maybe now I need to explain it all so he can find his place in this non-hierarchial group that I call my love circle.

Besides, he likely has had multiple needs of his either refused or not met, and so things like his love language, social needs and relationship expectations and needs within both of those spheres have likely been neglected for quite some time.

I'm going to send him to Aonghus.

Arianrhod raises her eyebrows.

Are you sure, lad?

I nod.

The less he clings to me, the easier it'll be for him to heal. Plus, he'll be travelling, so it's not like he won't occasionally see me anyway.

She stares at the ceiling, deep in thought.

You can't deal well with this either, can ye?

I pause. Part of me senses the soreness in his heart, the guilt in his soul, the desperation in his head. I've been there before, and I know it all too well. 

Something I've learned from this sort of thing is that if it's not dealt with in time, it can become contagious. And whilst it's true that I cling to Terrence to an extent, there is a mutual agreement there in which we take care of our own needs and each other's within reason. The same can be said with the rest of my partners. 

He, however, is another story - and whilst he had definitely gotten me out of some horrible, awful situations, he needs to be able to heal, too. I've grown beyond the point that he's coming to me from, and so for my own good, for his, and for the preservation of the system, we need some distance, until he can know for sure that he and his family are safe, and how to deal with his own trauma.

Na. I don't think I can.

I have things to heal within this scenario myself - memories that I didn't expect to resurface so soon. I think it's better if we both reflect on those things in our own time. And if we do end up being a thing again, I want to guarantee that we both keep our heads, knowing what it is that we need and want, before jumping into something that could wreck us both.

You're making a tough decision. But I think it's probably the right one for both of you.

She offers me a hug, and I accept it. She smells like cranberries.

Diolch.

For what?

For listening to me.

She lets go of me for a minute to transfer her gentle, but firm grip to my shoulders, surveying me for a minute.

Wrth gwrs. You're my cousin. Besides, you rule the Sim now. You can't go around protecting and serving everyone else without a few people serving you.

She has a point, and it echoes Hermes' sentiment yesterday - because I rule now, I do need to delegate to others. I can't do everything on my own. But what I can be is management.

I take her hands in mine.

Ie. And I'll do my best to give them the best jobs I can for what they're capable of. Because that's what being a leader is.

She smiles.

You're a lot like your father, ye know that?

I grin.

That's the best compliment you could possibly give me.

I let go of her hands.

Shall we watch The Black Cauldron?

She nods.

Ie, let's do it.