133 - A God, Answering

Lin

So I've done several tarot and oracle card readings today.

And it's interesting what advice I've been given with regards to what I asked about.

For instance, I was basically told that I was right about my anxiety with regards to going out at the moment.

Which, ironically, a lot of people (not least my mental health practitioner, as well as my UC work coach) have dismissed as me either making it into a self fulfilled prophecy, or basing my actions surrounding the situation off of unfounded anxiety. (Do keep in mind that last time I went out on my own for an extended period of time, an ambulance had to be called because I was essentially in shock.)

Frankly, whilst it has been about four or five months since the incident, and slightly more than that since whatever bin boy did to me spiritually that got me to that point, I still have a way to go.

If memory serves me correctly, the timing of all this isn't up to me, so there's not really much I can do about it but pray for the best.

There are a lot of things that I fear right now:

I fear never being able to go out again.

I fear being taken advantage of or being harmed if I do go out - particularly if rickmansworth's goons somehow get a chance to swipe at me.

I fear never regaining my godly powers.

I fear never moving out of here.

I fear being abused again if I ever give my heart to anyone.

Such things are things some people would likely tell me to get over through exposure, but I know that there's much deeper meaning to all of them.

Right now, I'm sitting with my fear, and doing my best to answer it with love.

Because right now, that's the best I can do without a proper therapist or mentor in my life.

My mental state is clear enough to understand that most of these things aren't likely to happen if I keep a positive outlook on life, and take care of my own needs within reason.

However, I still feel these fears, at least to an extent - and they are based off of previous experience. Years of it. 

If there was a way to scrub my brain of all I've experienced, I wouldn't do it, but I'd definitely consider it to help implement a more positive mindset.

As I said though, I value even the most awful of my experiences, because they've taught me what it is to trust myself and my intuition, what it is to see the worst of things and understand that it wasn't your fault, and what it is to survive in spite of those who hurt you. There's a lot more, but my life is so much brighter when I sit with the knowledge that I endeavoured to make my life better all whilst being told that I'd have little to no chance of being independent.

In essence, I proved them all wrong.

And sure, I might be in a resting period right now, feeling like I'm barely able to do anything. But what I'm really doing is building my empire. That's all that matters in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps I am scared.

And that's ok.

Whatever happens, I'll get where I'm supposed to be.

Aye, ye will, lad.

Danú ruffles my hair, then plants herself in the seat next to me.

It just feels like this will never end.

She nods.

Bad times often feel like that. 

It can be more difficult when you're alone, can't it?

I nod.

Physically, I've been alone for a while now. Since maybe November.

Aye. And that'll be taking a toll on ye.

She sighs, then takes my hands in hers.

But ye know, lad, that all of this sadness will pass, right? Just as good times pass, so do bad.

She smiles.

I know ye have some hope left in you yet.

How do you keep hoping when there's no answer?

She pauses for a minute, deep in thought.

Maybe the answer has already turned up, and you have yet to see it. But if it hasn't, it will. It always does.

I want to believe it, but I don't know if I can do this any more.

Silently, she opens her arms to embrace me, and I accept.

Sometimes holding on too much to an answer will prevent ye from getting one, especially if ye push yerself too hard.

It's alright to take a break from those things, ye know. Hope is always good, but it needs to be balanced with taking care of yourself. And if that focus on answers hurts ye more than helps ye, maybe it needs to be left alone for a while.

Pondering over my options, I remain quiet for a moment. 

She has a good point. They talk a lot about this in the Law Of Attraction community whereby in order to get manifestations, you have to detach somewhat from what you want in order to get it once you get a clear picture of what you desire. It sounds counterintuitive, but it works - and if it helps me spare my feelings somewhat, then maybe it's better for me.

You're probably right. I should really focus on myself first.

Aye. Ye deserve that much.

Go raibh maith agat.

She ruffles my hair again.

Of course.

Ye want to watch anything?

I nod.

The Book Of Life?

She grins.

Sounds great.