273 - A God, Peripheral

Lin

Right now, I'm not so great.

I don't think I've been this dizzy in a long time.

Of all the times that my period could decide to show up, why must it be now?

Perhaps it's teaching me a lesson about my irresponsibility.

Either way, it is extremely unpleasant.

Needless to say that it's one thing after the other for me.

Yet again, I question whether or not I'll survive tonight, or tomorrow.

Looking at myself from a bird's eye view, it's ironic. Here I was thinking that I'd be the most responsible adult out there without the voldys' holding me in their vice, and look at me now.

Frankly, it's alarming.

But I don't want to live in fear like I have for so long.

As I think this, someone wraps me in my throw. When I turn, Arianrhod is smiling at me.

Helô.

Noswaith da.

Do you want to talk about it?

I nod. Usually I wouldn't, but somehow, this feels important.

Honestly, I feel so inadequate. I can barely do any of the things that would constitute being independent on my own, my body gives out at even the slightest exercise, my mental and emotional states are so frayed that everything hurts and I don't have enough money to both put the essentials on my table and go after my hobbies and passions.

Everything just feels so... out of reach for me. But just for me.

The voldys often told me during my incarceration with them that independence would be harder for me than it would be for other people. Truthfully, I know this full well to be gaslighting, but I hate the idea that just this once, I may be proving them right.

Arianrhod wraps an arm around me, gently rubbing my back.

You know what they said was all just insecurities about what they couldn't do, right? 

And that their pressure to force you into being reliant on them was their way of shaming you into satisfying their own need to feel needed, right?

None of that was your fault, especially given that the whole thing was done without your consent, and made deliberate attempts at refusing you any kind of independent skills of your own, because then they could leech off of you and your godly energy.

Leaving them, and that situation, even with the difficulties you have now, makes you anything but a failure - it makes you a hero. The hero of your own story.

They probably hated that, but regardless of what they say, the only reason you struggle right now is because most people who don't get to develop those skills do - and that is their fault. They chose to prevent you from being independent, not you.

Yet you can do all of those things they prevented you from doing despite that - heck, you knew how to cook even without their help. That's a skill, Lin. No one just comes out of the womb knowing how to cook like you did. I'm betting voldy jnr was jealous of that, too.

Everything you've done, everything you've accomplished since you left - that was all you. And because they kidnapped you, guess what? You never needed them. 

They needed you.

The tears stream down my face yet again. I needed to hear this.

All this time, I've been holding myself to lofty, impossible standards, because they basically did this thing where they would shame me for not being able to do a task considered necessary to being independent - whether it was because my body had given out and I needed rest, or I had made a mistake with the way I'd done it, and therefore somehow committed a grave offence. After the shaming, they'd try to make a point of comforting me, to reel me in, to let them do it for me, or to do it together (i.e "Oh, you need monitoring to do this because you're not doing it my way!"), because apparently I was being viewed as incapable of doing these things, which is simply not true.

Sometimes, this behaviour even extended to me getting undressed after school, out of my uniform and into home clothes. One incident that ended in mrs voldy hitting me repeatedly despite my consistent requests to have privacy (because I knew I would have a breakdown, due to an incident that had happened at school that day), was actually due to this patronising way of looking at my capabilities. I didn't need prompting then, nor did I ever. I needed returning to my family, and the fake family who lied about my details to leave me the fuck alone.

Remove dancing monkey syndrome/not your princess/don't need your success/I've got my own/You have no power here.

The codes run pleasantly through my head, through my system, and I start to feel them debunk each and every thing the voldys told me about working, about independence, about my needs. They wanted to seem like they knew everything about me and my needs, with voldy jnr even making comments about my lucidity apparently being 'inconsistent' (yes, because you and your troll parents were abusing me, so I'd dissociate and/or maladaptive daydream to avoid you, you fucking idiot.), which anyone would tell you is a crock of bullshit.

Remove Exhibition Case/Princess Of Glass/Surprise motherfucker, I'm done with you./Elmo burns your influence and spirits away.

Most of you probably won't have met Elmo, but for those who do know them, you know full well that they're not afraid to let things burn.

And as a result, we have to keep her in check, lest her desire to set things on fire becomes worse than the heyday that was Penelope's pyromania. (Which was more like a nightmare than a heyday, but there you go.)

Just as I'm experiencing this debugging, Arianrhod comes over with a large tray full of food - buck rarebit, cawl (considered the national dish of Wales), faggots (meatballs, don't get the wrong idea), teisennau tatws (Welsh potato cakes), bara brith (fruit bread), pice ar y maen (welsh cakes), and crempog (welsh pancakes). Staring at the hefty tray, I cautiously help Arianrhod set it down on the table in front of me, realising that there's also a small glass of Merlyn liqueur, alongside what looks to be her homemade butterscotch beverage, which is steaming with heat.

Diolch yn fawr!

She grins.

Take as long as you need.

Once I feel able, unsurprisingly, I'm absolutely ravenous. And as I eat, I realise just how much love has gone into this, without any expectation in return. No bargaining, no debt, nothing - just kindness and true unconditional love, that respects and adheres to boundaries, which helps when there is a need, and heals like no other.

I end up hugging Arianrhod not too long after, and I think you can guess what I say.

Dw i'n dy garu di.