147 - A God, Euphoric

Lin

Spontaneously, I ended up writing an entire song today.

Interestingly, for once, it was about the fear I've experienced as a God, and the difficulties I've had surrounding things like going out.

Usually I avoid writing about those kinds of things, but it was a level of catharsis that I needed.

Writing it also allowed me to confront the abuse I've had to endure as a result of being a God incarnate, and how rickmansworth's abuse has affected my existence.

Ya, I'll admit there's a lot of anger there - for rickmansworth, the voldys and bin boy, who all abused me in one way or another.

But I don't think that I have to justify my righteous anger to anyone - all I can say is that I feel that I am right to feel anger towards the plethora of injustices and the people who caused me to experience them.

Right now, what I want to focus on most is my happiness, and living my life as I see fit.

Honestly, living a life that's mine, and doesn't gape with holes made by consistent isolation and abuse would be absolutely lovely, but I don't yet have the needle and thread to mend those holes well enough to mend the tapestry that is my life. I want to restore it to its righteous glory, but I'm not sure how to.

Aside from that, today has been quite peaceful.

I have been eating a lot of chocolate as well, which I think has cancelled out some of my funk. It tends to be harder for me to eat when I'm in a bad mood, so I think the sweeter snacks I've been having have helped improve my nutrition somewhat.

Currently, I am doing my utmost not to cry.

Today, it seems, has me facing my fears in a rather uncomfortable way.

Someone ruffles my hair, then wraps my throw around me, handing over my seal plushie before drawing me into a hug.

Lovely...

Who else is it going to be, but my husband?

Ma kared.

I weakly attempt to share my throw with me, but he shakes his head, a small smile playing on his lips as he unveils his own throw to wrap around both of us.

!

His smile grows slightly wider as he pulls me in closer to him. I snuggle up to him, relishing in the attention, and he stifles a good natured chuckle.

You seemed sad, so I figured you needed company.

Terrence never likes it when he can sense my sadness, and I reflect this vice versa. We always look out for each other.

Trugarez.

He raises an eyebrow.

You know what I'm going to say.

I'm still thanking you. I appreciate you.

When I respond, he beams, then begins stroking my hair, making our embrace slightly tighter.

And I'm staying right here.

I sense him contemplating further conversation.

I think I already know what you've been sad about, but do you want to talk about it?

You don't have to if you don't want to. It's your choice.

Pondering over how to explain it all, I sigh. There's so much.

You know how in the song I wrote earlier, that there are clear points in which there is a storyline?

He nods.

It feels like I'm near the confronting and killing stage, and that even if I get past it, I'll never experience the euphoric part, even though I absolutely want to. But even then, I'm scared of meeting euphoria - because I'm scared she'll be taken away again. I suppose that's what paranoia is.

I have yet to hear the key change, so it feels like it's never going to happen - and that if I don't hear the key change, I can't move on. The key change would mean that I could meet euphoria. But I've been waiting for so long. What if she doesn't exist? Or doesn't want to see me?

I'm pretty sure he knows that it's more than just about key changes and songs, but this is the best way I can put it - I don't want to die before the song ends. I want the guarantee that my life will mean something, even if I'm unable to do much.

There's far more to it than that, such as my life having value and meaning outside of my experiences of abuse, but I think that's a separate bridge I need to cross at some point, too.

He sighs, gently running his hands through my hair.

I think I understand, at least in part, what you're saying. And yeah, you have been waiting for a long time.

But keep in mind, you also wrote this song, so put it this way: you will get to meet euphoria - because you put her there. You chose to put her there instead of continuing with paranoia because you didn't want to give yourself a painful ending that you didn't deserve, where you'd get vilified for doing what was right, instead of shining like the God you are, right?

At this point, my vision is blurred with tears, so he carefully hands me the tissue box, and I dab at my face. He continues.

Your life is worth far more than being some extra's 'villain' fill in to hide the fact that they're the villain in their own story. A fuck ton of people seem to have enjoyed doing this to you knowing full well that it was a lie, so I'm going to make one thing very clear to you now.

He's drawing my face closer to his.

I will always stand by you and the truth, and if need be, offer you morals when your own moral compass fails you. I'll be here. And I know your worth, as you should know yours.

You're a God, Lin. The God of All, God of None - and you deserve to be able to live knowing that, and being acknowledged and appreciated for that.

That key change will come. You will meet euphoria. And I'll be there when you do. Mat eo din?

My eyes are misty even now.

Mat eo din.

I snuggle up to him further, staring at his handsome face - and I tell him exactly that. He laughs softly, turning his face for a minute to hide the fact that he's blushing. He then tugs me to indicate to shuffle closer, so I do, and I'm practically on his lap now.

Karout a ran ac'hanout.