148 - A God, Paving

Lin

For a lot of today, I've been in the same funk I was in yesterday.

But now, I think I have a little bit of clarity, even if it isn't a lot.

Some of the feelings I've had, I realise, are related to me not knowing which way is best for me to take.

Paving a pathway based upon this has been extremely difficult for me as a result.

Capitalist society has often, for a long time, dictated this idea of having one huge career that you have that spans decades, and that it will be your life until the day you die.

At least, that's what I feel like I was taught in school, and with the voldys, who didn't want me outshining voldy jnr.

Here's the thing: the problem is not with regards to me knowing what I want, but what I want to pursue first.

This has been a consistent problem for me as a neurodivergent person, whose focus is constantly shifting from one thing to another.

Now that I have realised that this is a part of my problem life wise, I can figure out what journey I want.

It's as they say: you can have the best headwinds to sail upon, but they are useless if you don't know which way you are headed.

Right now, I'm completely unsure.

What I do know is that I want to follow what would take me to my godly journey in the best and quickest way.

Candidly speaking, a lot of what I've been doing over the past few years has been at the behest of others.

Whether it was at the demand of the voldys, or suggestions from my friends, I don't really feel I've been taking my own path in life. 

I've merely been pandering to those in my life to avoid further abuse for disagreeing with them.

And whilst it definitely is sad, it has been a part of my life for a long time - to convolute or hide my interests, or even not engage in them at all, in order to ensure my safety from abuse, ridicule and outright sabotage.

Perhaps what I need is to follow something that so few people know well about, that I can follow everything else in my own time, in my own way.

Maybe I should read for it.

Knowing me, I probably will.

We'll follow you, whatever path you choose.

Γεια, Ananke.

It's been a long time since I've seen any of my Time God colleagues or family aside from my Da, so this is more than welcome.

Would you like to talk about it?

I nod.

It feels like the path ends in front of me, and that there is an abyss below me. One more step and I'll die. Then there's nothing else.

Weirdly, I feel like I've been told that this is what it is to be a Time God. But that's not true, is it?

Ananke's anger seems to roll off of her in waves. This is the first time in a long time that I've seen her so angry.

It most certainly is not.

She takes in my shock, and sighs, clasping my hands within her own.

A Time God is not to be alone. A Time God is to be one with all versions of yourself, and all times in which you can exist. It is to know time like the back of your hand, and yet always be learning more about it.

Time in and of itself is a paradox, and it never ends. That's the whole point. You wouldn't end, and neither would your existence, even if you were to fall into the abyss, because you would not be alone. After darkness, there always must be light. Always.

You are a Time God, Lin. To be a Time God is to have all who know you follow you and the light you bring. To be a Time God is to be a leader. Your occupation is based on interacting with people and their lives, otherwise I know full well that you wouldn't have taken it. 

It feels like something beyond explanation, probably something you could explain better than I were you to experience it again...

Taking a deep breath out, she stares me dead in the eyes.

So...

Do you want to be you again?

Tears fill my eyes once more.

Ναι, I do.

She nods.

Εντάξει. (Alright.) Then we will make arrangements for you as soon as possible.

I will speak to your father. I don't feel this is just a want for you, is it?

She's right. This is more than just a want.

This is a need.

Ευχαριστώ.

As I thank her, she envelops me in a hug that smells of raspberries and reliability.

Παρακαλώ.

She smiles, squeezing my shoulders.

Whilst I arrange things with your father, we'll have some food. Is there anything you want?

I can't help but smile.

Five Guys?

She chuckles.

Good call. I'll get on it.

She walks into the next room, and I snuggle up to my plushie.

It seems that I'm one step closer to feeling like a God again.