152 - A God, Recharging

Lin

Today has been pretty uneventful.

However, I am treating myself, which is good.

My neighbours are weirdly noisy today for some reason.

It has been setting off my anxiety a bit, so I'm looking forward to the day that I get out of here.

Someone's watching the football very loudly outside of my room, and I'm doing all I can to exercise as much patience as is possible.

Luckily for me, they just left, so my blood pressure is slowly decreasing now.

All of a sudden, I find myself swayed yet again by a combination of anxiety and sadness.

I haven't a clue what's going on, but whatever it is, I don't like it.

So much of what I repressed over the time in which my ex caseworker was on leave seems to be coming up now.

I didn't even realise there was this much pain.

My head senses a hand ruffling my hair. I turn around, and an indigo woman covered in stars gently smiles at me.

Hey, Nut.

Litavis.

Her smile, which is usually contagious, doesn't really affect me right now.

What's wrong?

She takes a seat, wrapping an arm around me, and I accept her embrace.

I just feel so alone right now.

Almost everyone who ever supports me has ended up becoming unreachable, and the more I try to defend myself from the cult, the more isolated I seem to get.

Do you think this is a punishment? Because it sure as hell feels like it.

I want to be around people, yet too much noise from a neighbour turns my anxiety dial to ten. I want friends, yet trying to go outside causes panic attacks that could land me in hospital. It feels like my whole body and brain is against me, and it feels as though those who are supposed to be helping me aren't taking me seriously.

By now, my face is streaming with tears, and Nut quietly hands me the tissue box.

I don't want to die, but I can't see myself living like this any more. I'm at the end of my rope, Nut.

She nods slowly, rubbing my shoulders.

When the morning comes, I think you should talk to a caseworker. For now, I will stay with you.

And if anything gets worse, you know which people you can call.

She's right. There are a few people I can call if things get bad. However, I really don't want to have to. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I hate the idea of being a burden on anyone, and so more often than not, I won't necessarily ask for help, for fear of being infantilised or reprimanded for things that would be categorised as 'wasting other people's time' - i.e. things that neurotypical people can easily do.

Either way, I'm scared. 

Of what?

Everything.

I can't mention being a God, lest they section me. Then there's everything else that I'm trying to cope with, which they might try and section me for anyway. Also, there's the fact that the mental health team here is connected to the same council the voldys live in, making me vulnerable to them potentially trying to get me back, despite me saying that they abused me.

I don't know whether the odds are stacked against me, but it sure as hell feels like they are. And I've been very quiet about it, but I feel so incredibly alone physically. I know Ananke is doing things to help, as are my Da and the Moirai, but I don't know how much longer I can wait.

I'm struggling to eat properly again due to both physical and mental illness as well, which is not helping matters, and so here I am, basically hanging on by a thread to my mind and everything I hold dear.

I don't want to die, Nut. I've already done that eight times in this life alone. I'd like at least to not repeat that again. Not for a long while, at least.

For a moment, she's quiet. She puts her arms further around me, so that this embrace is a full one.

You will live, Litavis Dethmonias. We'll do everything in our power to make sure that you do so.

Kissing my forehead, she smiles.

I'm always here, and so is everyone else. Don't hesitate to call upon any of us if you feel like you need something. Alright?

I nod, settling into the hug and reciprocating, doing my utmost not to cry again. But she begins rubbing my back, and I can't help sobbing.

Let it all out, Tavi. It's ok. You're safe here.

We stay like that for a long time, until I find myself unable to breathe, at which point Nut helps me to recentre myself.

I take a few deep breaths, before getting comfortable in our hug again. I can sense Nut beaming.

Trugarez.

She gently pats my back.

Of course.

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