154 - A God, In Stasis

Lin

Today has been a struggle.

For a while, I couldn't bring myself to eat (again), and I'm barely managing to now.

Anyone who knows me well knows that if I'm struggling to eat, then something is very wrong.

Honestly, I'm counting down the time to Monday just to ensure that I can breathe.

I haven't felt this low in a while, which I know is not good.

Usually I do my best to keep to a high vibration, but given the circumstances, I don't think I can.

Quite frankly, I almost called 111 several times because I just couldn't bring myself to eat anything.

Luckily, I pulled through, lest they sent me back to the council's services, which, as we know, aren't safe for me to use.

I just managed to have both a meal and dessert, but somehow, I still feel rough.

Significantly less rough than before, but rough all the same.

Freyja passes me a strawberry green tea boba, taking a seat next to me.

Dankë.

She nods.

Of course.

Maybe the recent astrological transits are affecting your mood, given how sad you've been recently.

Come to think of it, a lot of transitions have begun to happen in my 6th and 7th houses recently, which makes me think that my relationships and daily routine in general are likely being broadcast through a microscope to me energetically now. It would explain me struggling to eat again, as well as the loneliness, among other things.

You're probably right.

I sigh.

I just wish this were easier.

Freyja glances at me quizzically.

In what way?

Pausing, I take stock of what I'm trying to say. 

Generally, in the past, I was able to do a relatively large amount of things, and still be ok, like going to college, making sure I ate, taking a shower every now and again - yet all of that was under an authoritarian scheme of control. I had no say in what was going on in my life - and I certainly didn't like it that way, nor was I going to accept it.

Now, I've come to a point where I'm incapable of doing almost anything on my own - and not because I lack capability in and of itself, but because the sheer weight of the trauma I've experienced is preventing me from living my life in any assemblance of ways that could be considered healthy for me.

Knowing that I also have basically no one except one caseworker who can physically help me now, my whole situation is made that much harder.

It feels like my whole life is in stasis. It's like I'm trying to walk through quicksand, and all I can do is sink.

No matter what I do, I won't be able to do it consistently for myself right now, because not only am I not healthy due to trauma recovery, have I also been taught that I can't through negative reinforcement and outright sabotage whenever I did try to do anything that would mark me as independent.

I feel the misery well up in me. I didn't really want to face this, but it is a part of my shadow, and so now I must stare it in the face, too, just as I have done with everything else.

Freedom and independence were the very things you were aiming for, right?

I nod.

Ironic, isn't it? That I'm in no shape to do it now.

She sighs.

You need better doctors to deal with this.

I nod.

I know.

Are you thinking of getting diagnosed?

Hesitating, I find myself gazing at the ceiling for a minute. Then, when I get out of whatever haze I was in, I nod.

I most likely have C-PTSD and ADHD. I wouldn't be surprised if my symptoms match the criteria. And so long as I have an advocate present, I should be fine. That is, if I go to the right places and get checked by the right people.

Freyja nods.

You may also benefit from getting some more crystals. I think your aura and potentially your heart needs some serious cleansing.

Definitely.

I haven't really used crystals in the same way I used to before the Summer of Darkness. I ought to get back into it.

Do you want to shop for some with me?

I find myself smiling.

You know what? Sure.