156 - A God, Falling

Lin

Today was all sorts of anxious.

My body got into such severe panic attack mode that I ended up having to speak to one of my caseworkers over the phone whilst I ate a small amount, because I just wasn't able to do it myself.

I did a tarot reading about my feelings, and not surprising, the first card to come up was the equivalent of the Death card.

Honestly, I know it doesn't represent Death themself (that's me) or the process of death as a part of life, but it definitely hasn't felt like it was entirely off the cards.

Being me, I did ask for help, mainly because I was shaky, and therefore struggling to keep my head.

When you think about it, the whole thing is rather ironic, especially given how much I isolate myself, that the one thing I've been needing the whole time is company.

Saying that, I already knew that.

I just didn't like facing it.

Both caseworkers I spoke to were great about it, though.

Luck seems to have favoured me somewhat today with regards to getting help.

Tomorrow my caseworker that remains is meant to visit the house, so I should be able to speak to them then.

Usually I don't ask for this much attention, but it has felt like I was drowning, and I needed to grab onto something. I couldn't properly consider whether or not that would potentially result in others drowning themselves, but I don't think they did.

Everything I've read for seems to point to me needing to leave, and needing change in my life.

Ostara, I feel, is the perfect time to do that.

Admittedly, I've not yet been able to give offerings to my fellow Gods as of yet for Ostara.

But I will - I just have to be careful of how much I drink in their stead.

Take it easy for today.

Terrence ruffles my hair, before pulling me into a hug on the sofa. I can't help but smile.

I'll do my best.

Days like these, I often feel like I'm falling through an infinite abyss, with no safety net, no harness and nothing to cling to. But maybe, just maybe, I have more than I ever realised.

Reciprocating said hug, I nestle into the crook of his neck.

Trugarez.

He runs his hands through my hair.

Of course. You're my wife.

His arm loops around my waist.

Besides, I'd be sad without you. And bored.

My lips stretch into a grin. I can't help it.

Well, it's nice to know that I'm entertaining.

He smiles.

You are. You make everything around you that much brighter.

My face heats up slightly, and he smirks.

Yeah, I figured that would be your reaction.

I shake my head, and snuggle into his chest, hiding the fact that I'm beaming.

Karout a ran ac'hanout.

He lifts up my face, making it level to his own.

Karout a ran ac'hanout.

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