157 - A God, Idle

Lin

It seems like everyone is leaving now.

The caseworker I've been relying on for the past month or so is now leaving, too.

Honestly, at this point, it's just like 'oh, another one.'

Maybe this is just my way of doing my best to not take it too personally, or to prevent me from having panic attacks about people consistently leaving my life.

Either way, I'm surprisingly calm about it, aside from the fact that my eating habits (or lack thereof) are trying to kill me.

Psychologically, it would seem, I am struggling yet again with the physical needs of this body.

From what I can see, this is a much needed change for me.

But even with that truth, I can't sit all that well with the idea that I'll have to wait for a new person to help pull me out of whatever mess I've ended up in.

You won't have to.

A ginger haired woman in a maroon jacket and knee high chestnut boots smiles at me.

Artio!

Her smile grows wider as I jump up to hug her.

I missed you so much!

I missed you too, Tavi.

She takes a seat as I do, helping me wrap myself in my throw.

Some people are going to come into your life soon - Gods and non-Gods - who can actually help you with your godly journey.

She runs her hands through her hair for a minute, rolls her shoulders, then continues.

I will be among those people, and you'll know when we see each other.

I nod.

How long?

She sighs.

Two weeks at most. I'm worried about you, though. You shouldn't be left alone for that long, especially given that you're already struggling.

Those caseworkers you have clearly haven't been enough to ensure your wellbeing, and it's about time someone did help you to put yourself back together. It's ok that you can't do it yourself. In fact, I think it's suffice to say that you shouldn't.

I stare at her in slight surprise. I did expect she'd be upset at the state of me, but not her criticism of my caseworkers. Then again, I've basically been left alone for just over five weeks until yesterday, when I had such a bad panic attack that I had to get help from them for almost an hour over the phone to stop me from losing my shit.

This whole thing has been woefully unfair on you, and I think your life needs an overhaul.

She's probably right. I've been in this house, with people moving in and out of it, for just over three years now. I was meant to leave a long time ago, but partially because of rickmansworth, and partially because of my own indecisiveness, I didn't go.

I know where I want to live now, and that's somewhere which is safe. Somewhere in which I know there is a community of people around in the physical to help me and care for me when I cannot look after myself, and to care about me when I can. People with healthy outlooks on life, and understandings of what healthy boundaries are and aren't - and who can understand what neurodivergency, autism, ADHD and trauma look like, and how to help a neurodivergent person with undiagnosed C-PTSD.

I think we may need to get the map out again.

Artio nods.

It could help.

She ruffles my hair and stands up.

I'll make us some hot chocolate.

As she goes into the kitchen, I search for and find the atlas, and turn it to the pages that show a map of England and Wales. I get my runes out, and notice as Artio walks back in, two steaming mugs in her hands.

She places them down on coasters, and seats herself comfortably again.

So, where do you think we should go?

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