164 - A God, Reflecting

Lin

I realised something quite serious about the way I've felt about bin boy today.

Part of me definitely wants to have some form of justice for the cruelty he's subject me and other people in system to, but there's also deep set anger that really wants to have the last word.

Maybe I didn't have the closure I felt I deserved at the time, and even now, so I ruminate upon destroying and besmirching his character (rightfully), but whether I'm right or wrong, this obsession is to my detriment.

He'll get what he deserves, but I need to put more focus into my own happiness.

Something I've noticed is that my actions have done a lot more about him than empty words, and by choosing to advocate for myself and mainly take the high road in the way I treated him, I did, in a sense, get the last word.

This is similar to the way the voldys treated me - my departure was much louder than the conversations and promises that I would leave. Perhaps, if I can reframe how I perceive these kinds of things, then my actions can be my closure.

But most of all, this is a teaching in and of itself to me that I should probably live in space that utterly belongs to me.

Right now, I know I'm not totally ready to move out yet emotionally, but I should prepare for it, and look out for me, because that's what I deserve - the best from everyone, including myself.

Getting to move the remainder of my things from my kitchen cupboards has helped somewhat.

Once I'm ready, I'll have everything organised.

Now, I sense, that I deserve to be able to take back the breathing space that belongs to me.

Downsizing may not seem like freeing myself, but it releases the burden of sharing so much.

Come to think of it, life for me has almost always been me being told that I'm taking up more space than I should be, which simply isn't true.

I liken it to being reprimanded for having lungs larger than everyone else, and therefore needing to breathe more air, but being encouraged to hold my breath 'for the sake of everyone else'.

Weirdly, I intuit that this all returns to the idea that most people can tell that I'm a God, and a lot of people are either intimidated by or jealous of it.

Both bin boy and the voldys' (amongst other people's behaviours) outbursts make a lot more sense in that context - to them, to disempower a God temporarily relieved them of the ire that they themselves were not and are not Gods, and therefore didn't have to face the insecurity of being just like everyone else.

As this is most likely the case, I probably won't get anywhere with these narcissists in trying to get any form of closure, even less likely through normal means.

Eventually, I'll move into a community where everyone I choose to keep around me will treat me with kindness and respect, and this pain will become a distant memory as I heal.

Poking me gently, Elpis takes a seat beside me, handing me a box of mini battenburgs, and Philotes seats herself on the other side of me, setting down a tray holding a mug of hot chocolate for each of us. I smile.

There is still hope.

Philotes raises her mug to toast, and myself and Elpis mirror her as she does.

May there always be friends to support us and for us to support, and may we always have hope.

We all nod.

Στην υγειά μας! (Stin iyiá mas! - Cheers!)