165 - A God, Breathing

Lin

Half of my day has been spent dealing with heart palpitations.

Not that it's exactly new that my heart pumps at a million miles an hour, but it was extremely noticeable.

I definitely need to speak to my GP about that, as well as the constant pains I've been experiencing in both my veins and my pelvic area.

Though I won't go to an appointment on my own.

Figuring out that I was partially having a problem with energy due to lack of sugar, I've fortified with a few orders for snacks before next week.

Which will probably help ensure that I actually get the nutrition I need, as well as making me secure in the knowledge that I'll have things to fill me up when ready meals can't.

As I listen to the rain outside, I allow myself to relax.

Rain almost always clears my head, being one of my powers, and just in general, a natural reset in a multiverse in dire need of one.

Besides all of that, somehow I feel that today, I allowed myself to rest.

Perhaps it's because I accepted that it's no one else's business but my own how I live my life unless I choose to make it their business, and therefore the best way to protect my peace is to please myself, as opposed to anyone else. (Within reason, of course.)

Something else I realised whilst looking back through some of my older writing is that the horror indeed lies in front of us sometimes.

Maybe the horror lies in the hyper expressions of those who pretend to be humanoid, and to view them as they are. And to be powerful, to show strength, is to acknowledge what they really are, and to acknowledge yourself as truthfully as possible, too - flaws and virtues encapsulated in a sentient body.

Honestly, my heart wants justice - ruthless justice, that possibly ends with blood on my hands, but rightfully so, a perfectly horrible image of karma doling out vengeance for all I've suffered.

Yet that obsession may well be killing me; allowing myself to continue to injure myself with my trauma, and drown in my sorrow and ire, is no way to live.

Indeed, it is not.

A young woman with skin the colour of maple bark sits next to me, offering me a packet of Maryland cookies. When she notices me beaming, she grins, unbuttoning her tan and fur coat, getting comfortable.

It's wonderful to see you, Sedna!

I motion to give her a hug, and she accepts, her grin widening.

I know you've felt homesick recently physically, or at least, homesick for family, so I wanted to give you something that could at least partially connect you to parts of your home lands.

My chest grows warm in response to her generosity.

Thank you, I appreciate that. It's only fair that I give something back in return.

I pass over a bar of mint dark chocolate, and she giggles.

You really didn't have to! You spoil me!

Then:

You're the best.

Now it's my turn to chuckle.

Of course. You've helped keep me safe all this time - I ought to help you out, too.

Sedna has gone above and beyond for me - including keeping my identity as a selkie safe, as well as defending parts of my heritage I dare not share. Few would be so willing to have taken her place to guide me when I was in complete darkness, and she did her self-appointed job so incredibly well.

You're technically the only God that hasn't had their position stolen, so I had to do what I could to ensure that you had something safe and put together to go to, because Gods know you've needed that.

I'll be honest, you're our best hope at changing this entire Sim into what it always should have been, and for that, I believe, and I'm sure many others do too, that you deserve the best that life can give you. That's something you've had stolen from you multiple times now by jealous, cruel trolls posing as human beings, and it's about damn time that you are treated like the God you are.

So yeah, I'll say it. You deserve the expensive clothes and food, and to live comfortably - to have the luxuries of life handed to you, because the amount of shit you've experienced is nowhere near proportionate to your actions, nor was it ever.

Your abusers can fuck off with the nonsense about you not being worth it or needing it, because yes you are, and yes you do. You know why? Because you're a God. You need high quality things for your own wellbeing - and if that seems shallow to them, that's their problem. They're made of junk anyway.

For a minute, I stare at her incredulously. I wasn't expecting her of all people to rant about what I deserve on the physical plane, but I feel that she's right. I've spent my whole life being denied things on the premise of inferiority, and somehow, whenever I do want to treat myself with the respect I deserve, someone almost always has some kind of deep set hatred for me asserting said respect in the space of their awareness.

An example of this was bin boy ridiculing me over spending my money on Whole Foods and organic ice cream that was taking up space in the fridge. Because of the fact that he also made a point of touching one of my drinks without my permission in an attempt to upset me, I actually haven't bought many of the Asian drinks I once did since, as part of me admittedly felt triggered by it. Luckily I caught myself and didn't react the way he wanted me to react to it, so that was all good, but even now, I want to be able to engage in the cultures of Korea, Japan, China, Taiwan, Thailand and Viet Nam properly again, without such interference.

If you haven't already figured it out, I have plenty of reasons to want to ruin bin boy's life. But I'm patiently waiting for the Gods to do that for me, because whilst I have no qualms about getting my hands dirty, sticking my hands in troll shit is the last thing I want to do right now.

So I keep breathing, doing my best to eat, and doing my best to remind myself that I deserve the best that this Sim can offer me, because I do. And no one, especially not the talking trash can (as Terrence so eloquently calls him) can change my mind.

Even the horrors that exist in this multiverse have no chance against me, no matter how much they think they do.

Reaching towards Sedna again, we stay in a warm, platonic embrace, merely taking up space, breathing.

Thank you.

She nods.

Always.