173 - A God, Esperant

Lin

I'm struggling to eat yet again.

Over the past few days, I've spent a bit too lavishly from my bank account, so I need to be careful.

Realistically, I have enough to get me through.

But admittedly, I am still slightly anxious. Food wise, I'm restricting again, and anyone with a brain knows that's not good.

Part of me wants to read the tarot to figure out why I've been struggling with this for so long, but I worry that it'll be no use.

From what I know, it relates to my self worth, as well as the eating habits and restrictions forced on me by mrs voldy, as well as the dinner ladies at school, who repeatedly scorned me for the order I ate in.

After much reflection, I realise that most people, including myself, have had our money centres attached to what goes in our stomachs.

Which explains both the way in which bin boy treated me having food above his budget and the way in which I react to food as a result of my upbringing.

The only thing that hasn't been properly explained is my taste for the finer things, especially my sweet tooth, which none of the voldys had on my level.

My assumption is that it comes from my real parents, who I understand to like sweet things quite a lot. Though quite a few of mrs voldy's family had diabetes as a result of having a sweet tooth, so I can't be too sure.

Either way, I need to separate food from money for now, at least, until I recover.

Given how much food has been used to hurt me, and that I was basically used as an indentured servant until I left, I think it's quite reasonable that I would need to separate them both, especially if their connection is giving me pain.

Ruminating over the powerlessness I feel, yet another packet of Marylands, and my favourite Sainsbury's wrap are quietly handed over to me by Adephagia.

You need to eat, my dear.

I know. It's been difficult.

Ναι, they were quite nasty, weren't they?

I nod, and she ruffles my hair.

Just because it's there, it doesn't mean you have to eat it. And if you know you'll want it later, you can always arrange for that. Right, boys?

The Spartan Gods of meal-making, Deipneos, Matton and Keraon appear from behind the sofa, grinning.

Ναι! 

Deipneos takes one of my arms in his hands, and for a minute, stares at me sorrowfully.

This won't do.

He pulls out a box of tupperware from his rucksack, and from out of it, passes me what smells like a raspberry cupcake.

Eat cousin, you will feel better.

I nod slowly, following his instructions. As I process said cake, I realise that it's been flavoured with rose, and I can tell that it's been blessed in some way, but I'm not sure how.

It heals trauma, my dear. The cake mix was made especially for you to deal with specific trauma that has been connected to food for you. We may not know the brutal details, but by your behaviour, we know enough.

My eyes begin to tear up, and I quickly end up in a five way hug.

Ευχαριστώ.

Adephagia pats my back.

Παρακαλώ. It's what we're here for.

Nαι, and if you ever need anything, we'll always be around to help.

I feel the esperance well up in my heart. The voldys had never truly been committed to helping me with my healing unless it was for their benefit, and I was expected to heal in their way. Whereas this... This was tailored specifically to me and my problems, directly from family members who know and understand my pain from a perspective that most wouldn't even conceive of. They've seen everything, or at least, the aftermath of everything, and I honestly don't know how I can repay them.

We wouldn't want you to. All payment we'd want is your healing. That's it. No catch, cousin.

My heart swells again, and I can't help but sob. Yet somehow, I know this is cleansing for me. 

We stand there, in this gentle yet firm embrace, tangled yet free, our breathing in sync. When we let go, we're all smiling.

Do you want to learn how to make some of the cupcakes we made for you?

I nod, smiling.

Παρακαλώ.

Adephagia leads me into the kitchen, picking out rose essence, raspberry jam, organic duck eggs, self raising flour, Isigny salted butter and organic Jèrriais milk. I raise my eyebrows at the milk, and she smiles.

It helps to have a reminder of home in your food, darling.

My eyes get misty again, but I blink it away, and search the cupboard for some almond extract, vanilla extract, caster sugar and allspice, setting them on the counter alongside the rest of the ingredients.

Ah! Ευχαριστώ.

She ruffles my hair as she prepares the mixture, and Deipneos begins to prepare the buttercream whilst Matton and Keraon set out the tools and prepare the oven. Keraon pulls up a chair so that I can sit, and so I do. As I do, he offers me some chocolate, which I take, thanking him.

Παρακαλώ. It's home made.

I take a bite, and immediately sense my heart swell.

That is very strong, Keraon.

I know, but they need it.

Adephagia sighs, beating the eggs into the mixture as she mutters an incantation, before replying.

Ναι, they probably do.

I address them both.

Mint is a heart healer, right?

They both nod.

It cleanses the soul of any impurities or bad habits, as well as things left there by other people. Having it would definitely be to your benefit.

I nod, breaking off another piece and chomping, savouring the flavour.

For a while, we speak of different foods and ingredients, what they heal and how best to use them to heal certain afflictions, and before I know it, the cupcakes are done, and Adephagia leaves them to cool on the countertop.

As we wait, Matton plugs in the blender, preparing us all some raspberry lemonade with honey, milk and cinnamon. We all share in what seems to have become an Italian soda, and laugh and marvel at how good it is. 

Honey is happiness.

Matton nods.

Honey is an all healer. It cleanses and soothes, whilst also being sweet and easy to swallow.

He places the organic honey jar in front of me, and I pause when I realise where it's from.

You used Breton honey. And this says it's from-

Linden trees. 

Silently, I rise from my seat and wrap Matton in an unexpected but seemingly welcome hug.

Ευχαριστώ. Genuinely.

He nods, patting my back.

Oh, I think they're ready for the buttercream now!

Both Adephagia and Deipneos rise to prepare the cupcakes, whilst Keraon and Matton do the remainder of the dishes. By the time they're done, aside from our Italian soda cups and a few plates being used for the cupcakes, the entire kitchen is spotless. I offered to help, but I was very promptly told to stay seated, as I 'need the rest'. Which is probably fairly accurate.

Serving me with yet another cupcake, Deipneos ruffles my hair, and I smile, biting into it once everyone is seated. They can sense my gratitude, and I know they can. Matton passes me the tissue box for the kitchen, and I politely blow my nose.

Whenever you're ready, let us know when you want to cook with us.

I beam.

I would love to!

Adephagia smiles, and ruffles my hair.

You really resemble both your mother and father - they love the kitchen. Don't ever let an insolent whelp's atrocious behaviour-

Or irrelevant opinion!-

-Take cooking away from you.

Ενταξει?

I nod.

Ενταξει.