174 - A God, Divine

Lin

Today has been uneventful.

Aside from reading some webcomics and tarot, watching some mindset mentoring videos and messaging my practitioner about healing, I haven't had much to do.

Saying that, it is a decent amount when you write it out.

I definitely hold myself to lofty standards.

On the subject of mindset mentoring, I am considering making a proper godly mindset subliminal.

Given that I'm trying to recover from multiple accounts of abuse, my self concept ought to befit what I am - but first, I need to define what being a God is, how it pertains to my self worth, how it relates to my abilities and habits, and how I can link it properly to my identity overall.

For now though, given the point I'm at energy wise, I feel I should give myself a rest.

Honestly, I've been searching for all of the things wrong with me and my body in response to the way in which bin boy treated me not solely in an 'oppression olympics' way, but as a justification for my needs, and therefore my own behaviour. I don't need that - all I need is solace after all of the times I've suffered as a result of people trashing and ignoring my boundaries consistently.

Now, I'm lucky enough to have people who can and will stand up for my boundaries if I cannot do it myself, and who will call me out if I step out of line or do something that might cause harm to myself, others or both.

As well as this, they're actually helping to not only advocate for my needs, but get me help with the things I need and deserve.

Whilst it's definitely a long wait until Tuesday for my caseworkers to return, it seems that I've gotten through Friday fairly well.

My phenomenal coping skills over this past week or so have definitely shone through, and if they can get me through last month, they can certainly get me through this weekend, too.

Perhaps resilience, too, is a quality of a divine being.

Cultures of Gods who persevere in spite of all the challenges they face, and refuse to back down, even at the end of it all. Yes, we who light the beacons that guard the universe must be recognised for that feat, a feat no human could muster up. At least, not on their own.

Arthur and Styx take seats either side of me. Styx will probably return to her river in Nonakris (Arkadia) tomorrow, but I'm not entirely sure. The Pelopennese is a long way away from here.

Styx passes the both of us and herself cups of what looks like the new Cream Frappuccino from Starbucks.

I wanted to try the Blue Raspberry Cream Cloud! Ευχαριστώ!

Both Styx and Arthur exchange looks and smile.

Παρακαλώ.

Arthur nods, politely thanking her as well, as we all try it. As we do, myself and Arthur both glance at each other, and he beats me to the punch.

This could use more syrup.

I nod.

Agreed. Though I suppose it's meant to be a cloud.

Arthur studies his drink for a minute.

Yes, I suppose.

Styx grins.

I agree with both of you, the balance is a bit watery. Then again, I'm a naiad, specifically an Oceanid, so watery isn't really a problem with me.

Arthur shakes his head, smirking.

Damned naiad jokes and things about water nymphs always seem to follow me. Like, of all the times myself and Merlin visit, you have your cousin over who's saved you from severe bugging and she also happens to be a water spirit. Fuck's sake! 

Like, what does the element of water want with me? 

We all find ourselves laughing at the irony, before I give him an answer.

It's probably a matter of balance with you. After all, you have a propensity for doing stupid shit because you're hot headed, hence why you'd usually have Merlin and your other advisors around to temper you most of the time. I won't even go into the Quest For Olwen.

Arthur cackles.

Nor you digging up Brân's head!

Ok, that one was definitely my fault.

He regains his composure, sighing.

You are much more sensible than me, I would say. Then again, Herne Bay?

I was programmed.

Programming can make you do stupid shit that you can't entirely be blamed for. Got it.

I say that, but then again, the Romans had already been here by the time you caught onto the first dredges of life.

Yes. That and people were attempting to convert us all to Christianity, and you can imagine the poisons that came with that.

Ie, I can. Disgusting behaviour.

I exhale.

Recklessness does need to be kept in check, though.

Arthur nods.

Two thousand years has taught me not to be too impulsive, though I get why you'd be worried. I won't be charging into too many quests any time soon. Especially given that Merlin needs to recover, and it's likely that I do, too.

Spiritual sickness has no mercy. It's not like physical or mental illness that can be cured with a few adjustments in the right places dependent upon the affliction. It weaves into the crevices of everything.

Out of all of us, you are probably the strongest of us, for being able to remain intact through all of it, including literal death, when the rest of us could only either watch or listen to stories of the horrors you endured. Now that is the kind of strength that absolutely no one of the Round Table has. Literally none of them, not even Sir Galahad, and that's saying something.

And I'm not saying this out of sympathy or just because you're my family, I'm saying this because I haven't seen anyone get close to the kind of endurance you have. I daresay that Terrence has been the closest I know of. But he's said it, and I'll say it, too - his is incomparable to yours.

Terrence's experiences aren't really something I can comment on, mainly because 1. they're private, and 2. I don't know the full details of the horrors he's had to face, especially after we were separated for so long. (Think about three hundred years.) If there were ever to be an entry talking about it, I would encourage him to speak in his own words, but only if and when he is comfortable doing so.

But it sounds like he found some solace in Arthur, which is always positive, as I worry sometimes about how reserved he is. It seems my family has made him feel safe, and I'll do my utmost to make sure he and everyone who is on my side that is welcomed to my nemeton feels safe here, too.

Our experiences are incomparable because we're different people. I would say furthermore that the person I know of whose experience is closest to mine would be Oshun, though I highly doubt she would place hers above mine, though I would consider ours pretty much equal.

Also, did you just invite me to join the Round Table?

Fair enough. And yes I did.

I pause, though it's not a long pause.

Invitation accepted.

Arthur grins, and locks my arm in a shake that vibrates throughout my body.

Welcome aboard, kothman.

One thing, though.

He tilts his head in curiosity.

I am of my own agency. I'll do what I feel is right.

He nods.

And I'd expect nothing less of you. After all, you are a God, even if you are my descendant.

Styx stares at us both incredulously.

Medi, you literally just joined an order of holy knights.

So?

Arthur smiles.

Don't worry about that. We don't follow the Christian God any more. Besides, we need to cleanse the colours of both Roman and Christian involvement as much as we can, within reason. We didn't know before, but we do know now.

He turns to me.

First and foremost, our order needs to heal. If you can, could you guide us to some people who can help?

Wrth gwrs! 

I smile.

You're family.

Styx beams at this whole interaction.

You'll always be family, both of you.

I pull them both into a hug.

Atav.