177 - A God, Letting Go

Lin

Someone showed up in my dreams that I least expected last night.

It was after the decision I made to do my best to focus on myself after everything that bin boy has done to me.

Essentially, I refused to clean up his mess, and he invaded my room and pulled my throw off of me just to say that he wondered if I ever had a thought in that 'empty head'.

Knowing my past, and him, those were not his words - they were borrowed, or stolen, much like everything else he has in life.

Trying to reason with someone as bull headed as him was never going to get anywhere, and adding narcissism on top ups the ante to ten.

No wonder I acted upon previous trauma responses - he applied knowledge that he got from meeting the voldys on how to trigger me.

All of the gaslighting still affects me now, but the more I shed light on these things and do my best to move on, the clearer it becomes that he just wants attention, as opposed to being honest.

Because of this, I'm going to do my best to focus on things that bring me joy, and my own recovery - for my own wellbeing. He's been benefitting from my energy, hence the dream, whilst simultaneously being unable to be in my domain. Once I cut the cords that tie us together, it's over. I have the equivalent of a spiritual restraining order against him - and he'll have no choice but to adhere to it.

Part of this is due to the serving girl programming I once had (which has now been broken and destroyed), and I get the sense that he was angry that I wasn't adhering to it in the way he would have expected.

Which also explains his treatment of both Gabriella and Cecilia, who were in no position to fight him. He put them in some of the most undignified positions he possibly could before I made a point of standing up to him. To accuse me of entitlement when he acted like a spoilt brat is just projection at this point.

For context, said serving girl programming, including the Cinderella complex, were essentially put in place to make me the perfect servant, and wife, to rickmansworth.

Think 1950s-esque battered woman in a sundress serving up homemade lasagne in an apron, having to cook, dust and scrub to clean up after a man who can't even tie up his own shoelaces.

He was encouraging the voldys to abuse me, and when it got too much, he was going to 'rescue' me and pretend he loved me until we married. Then he'd force me to serve him unconditionally, as his wife, maid and potentially, his unpaid assassin.

Once he had his fill, he'd kill me, and serve my body to the cult on the shaky promise of 'eternal life' from eating an immortal God, much like he did with Jesus.

On a lighter note, I managed to nap again afterwards, and ended up having a dream about an epic duck apocalypse, so that was fun.

My system really do know how to cheer me up, and this was brilliant.

A giant blue rubber duck sitting at the end of a train tunnel with Gandalf having to call upon his other self to see what was ahead because he was human was just the icing on the cake.

The cherry on top was everyone acting scared of it except Tom Holland and myself, who were both laughing.

I remember just imagining the adverts for the movie about said epic ducks, and honestly, it's entertaining.

Roblox really decided to make another appearance in my life, and that sparks joy in a way I never thought possible.

I ought to thank Robin, as weirdly, this feels like it has his expertise and humour written all over it.

You're welcome!

I cackle. It's barely been a day, and he's already doing things far beyond what would normally be expected. 

Nah, you just don't expect enough.

Robin takes a seat, yet another apple lemonade in his hand from yesterday's brewing, and he gestures for me to take a seat too, so I do.

Arthur mentioned this to me before about you, which is that you often give people far more leeway than they deserve. I'm pretty sure it's an abuse thing, from what Sweeney's told me, but nevertheless, it needs to be addressed.

He sighs, and places his drink on a coaster on the coffee table in front of us.

With regards to you, your kindness, in a lot of ways, is a genuinely decent trait in you. However, people seem to be more than happy to run roughshod over you at times because you've struggled to assert boundaries, right?

I nod.

Then you also have the problem of simultaneous hyperindependence and being crippled by both your current physical and mental health, which has nearly killed you several times.

I've discussed this with Will, and with Marion, and I think it's about time we actually brought people into your life who can support and help you - especially with regards to things like setting boundaries, and things you'd consider as independent actions.

Ya.

I take a sip of apple lemonade.

We need to clean up my friendship court in system, don't we?

Robin nods.

It's atrocious. I'm sure Philotes and Hermes would have a few choice words to say about what your persecutors have done to it.

I sigh.

There's always something else.

Robin tentatively puts an arm around my shoulders, patting my right shoulder.

You're almost there, Lin. Given that your friendship court is one of the things we're looking at right now, I'd say you're getting towards the end of some of this.

I gaze at him with barely concealed anxiety.

Does that mean that my system will soon cease to exist?

Robin shakes his head.

That'll happen at yours and other people's discretion once the time is right. There's still a fair amount to heal, Lin - and whilst most of it will likely soon be mental and spiritual things, as opposed to physical things, we'll always be here for you, as you are for us.

We know that you feel alone right now, so hang tight whilst we finish configuring the friendship court, alright?

I nod, my eyes watering.

Alright.

Robin pulls me into a proper hug, the scent of freshly cut grass easing some of the worst of my loneliness.

Us Merry Men made a promise - that our Gods, our ancestors and our descendants would never be alone, and that if need be, we'd facilitate everything we could to get their social needs fulfilled. 

I know this promise hasn't exactly been well kept for you, but I want to make up for the amount of time you've lost because of it, as does everyone else. And we will.

He gently pats my back again, before resting his hands on my shoulders, staring me in the face.

You deserve to be happy. And you deserve to have people around you who make you happy, and encourage you to be healthy, within reason. Always remember that.

Yet again, he passes me the tissue box.

Trugarez.

He nods.

That's the bare minimum. And don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

Will and Marion walk in, holding glasses of their own. My eyes are probably quite red, so it doesn't surprise me that Marion notices, and immediately sits beside me, placing my hand in hers.

Did you speak of...?

Robin nods, and she turns to me, as Will also takes a seat next to Robin.

What has been done to you by isolating you is beyond unacceptable. 

She runs her hands through her ginger curls.

I'll be helping bring people in from Rhiannon's and therefore your line, but also some people from the Cotswolds, among other places, to be your friends.

I know that it isn't easy for you to go out, so we will tweak some things to ensure that it's safe for you, and when we bring people in, you'll know about it.

Also, Chen is meant to be coming over soon, which will mean that you definitely won't be alone here anymore. 

Done fidgeting, she rests her hands in her lap.

For a person who is both an ancestor and descendant to me, you have a lot of pain to deal with. The least I can do is draw people in who deserve your time.

I squeeze her hand lightly.

Thank you.

Of course!

Also, I think it would help to mention that Angelia's working on your friendship court, and she'll probably get a few people to help reconfigure it.

I nod.

How many people, Will?

He smiles.

It's actually quite a lot, so I think you'd appreciate it. I'd say about ten, twenty people at least. And that's just the people she's assigned. There are more on the list, and it's getting quite long.

Apparently the cleansing process has gone down to one hour, as Angelia, Hermes and Iris have delegated, and Hathor's there, so that helps.

He grins, letting his hands rest behind his head.

You have a good support system, Lin.

At this news, I find myself beaming. 

It's always been harder for me to tell whether or not someone genuinely cares, or is waiting to take advantage of me, due to the nature of my job. Now, it feels different - as though there's a guarantee that I'll be ok, and that people actually love me and want me to know safety, and be happy.

Once my friendship court is healed, I should be able to experience more in person activities, among other things that would help me develop friendships, like I used to. 

Consistency with regards to friendships hasn't always been easy for me, but healing may make it easier for me, who has been reclusive for over half a year.

Thank you. All of you.

They all nod, and Robin raises his glass to toast.

To friends, camaraderie, and wellbeing - wherever they are, whatever they're doing.

Cheers!