179 - A God, In Recovery

Lin

I got prescribed medication for my anxiety today.

The doctor I had was surprisingly helpful, and I actually felt quite safe with him, which is unusual.

Keep in mind I did also have my caseworker with me, so there was an added layer of security there.

One weird thing did happen, though - he mentioned that the medication I've been prescribed can result in people remembering their dreams more vividly.

Given that I was worried that taking medication for my mental health would mean that my spiritual life could be dulled out, somehow, this information brought me relief.

Despite me not directly bringing up that concern, it's almost as though my spirit guides knew to push for the answer to that question.

Honestly, during the appointment, I was initially going to turn down the medication.

But I felt my mouth move to say something different. Whoever that was in system looking out for me, trugarez.

Learning stuff about my caseworker was also nice.

Coincidentally, they live in the same area I ran away from. Yet somehow, I don't get the sense that they're a cult plant, although the possibility for that is definitely there.

Unlikely though, given that they've been able to visit the house for two days in a row for more than two hours at a time.

Highgate is my territory now, so I'm safe here - and we've established protections from that kind of thing.

Also, I had my reiki healing session last night.

Spiritually, I feel freer and cleaner than I have in a long time.

Quite a few things came up that only my family and other spirit guides would know, which made it all the more real.

All in all, it looks like the medication will be the start to a new path towards fulfilment in my life again.

I have the full intention to make sure that me being medicated is temporary, but even with that thought in mind, I know it's going to help me.

As long as I commit to my healing and my growth, everything will fall into place. As a God, it is my responsibility to take care of myself in order to facilitate the care of others, especially my people.

Having needs and adhering to them in order to best serve my people is a necessary and selfless act, regardless of how 'selfish' some entitled people may find it.

Besides having to tell my caseworker about needing to get a new fit note before the 20th, and potentially talking about whether or not I can work, my schedule for this week is actually fairly empty.

Though my caseworker has offered to go on walks with me through some of the local spots, which makes me happy. I suggested a place not too far from the house, so at some point, I'll definitely join them.

Going on medication feels huge for me, somehow.

The voldys had always encouraged me not to medicate for my mental health issues, which I feel may have contributed to some of my problems before. 

Now, I feel like I can do anything.

Just as long as it's at my pace.

And it will be.

Terrence wraps his arms around me, and I can sense the love emanating from him already.

He takes a seat, ruffling my hair as he pulls me into a hug that's easier to reciprocate.

It feels like a decision that's bigger than me, which is kind of intimidating.

He nods, running his hands through my hair as I listen to his heartbeat, which is far steadier than mine.

Ya. Being a God really does rely on you making decisions for yourself that will also benefit those around you. It can feel like being a servant all over again, and I know that's probably been triggering for you.

But now you actually have people in your physical life who have your best interests at heart, and want you to be happy not just for them, but for you - and all of us here want that, too.

I smile, gazing up at him.

Trugarez.

He shakes his head, about to protest.

I insist.

Give me a minute.

Gently, I temporarily scoot out of his embrace, and make a beeline for the fridge.

Let me guess, I'm getting one of your famous apple lemonades as well?

Ya.

He laughs.

You're adorable.

I beam, pouring said apple lemonade into a glass for him.

So are you.

For a minute, he attempts to cover for the fact that he's blushing, but as soon as I raise an eyebrow, he's chuckling again, as I shut the fridge and shuffle back over to him.

Dammit, Lin!

I giggle and he sighs, taking a sip from the glass, before tugging me back into his arms again. I end up plopping into his lap, and that puts us both in hysterics. I clap my hand over my mouth in equal amounts of shock and mirth.

Digarez!

He shakes his head, drawing me close.

Don't you "digarez" me. Besides, we agreed not to apologise, didn't we?

For context, myself and Terrence made an agreement that stated we wouldn't apologise to each other unless it was absolutely necessary. We break this vow daily.

I know. Even so, it's polite to, especially if I may have hurt you.

He raises his eyebrows.

Lovely, you are literally a featherweight. Even if you did fall on your ass and then onto me, unless you were armed in or near that area, I'm not going to have a problem. Especially when you fall into my lap, of all places.

Don't be apologising for something that I take as a compliment.

I gawp, and again, we cackle.

Gods, Tech!

My face has grown hot, and he smirks, stroking my cheek with the back of his hand. Even when he's teasing me, he's thinking of my wellbeing. 

Did I mention that I love you?

Composing myself, I smile.

You have, many times. And I'll never tire of hearing it.

Karout a ran ac'hanout.

He returns my smile.

Karout a ran ac'hanout.

Also, you should eat, lovely.

I sigh.

I know.

He turns my head up so that he's staring into my soul.

You deserve to eat. Mat eo din?

I nod.

Mat eo din.

If you don't-

Terrence-

-I'll yell.

A pause. Then:

For half an hour after 8:30am, beyond the hills, the frogs scream.

I squint at him for a minute.

Is that a threat?

He pokes my forehead.

It is now.

C'mon, I'll go with you.

He slides his arm around me, coaxing me to stand as he does, and we head to the kitchen.

It's late.

So?

He pauses, then calmly moves me into yet another embrace. I can hear the sadness in his voice, and feel it, too.

You are not beholden to time. You are Time, Vissie.

The voldys may not have appreciated the time they had, or that you needed, but I do - and just because society believes that you should do things a certain way with regards to time, it doesn't mean that they'll work, nor that they are healthy, for a God like you.

I know you well enough now to know that you restrict as a form of control, to feel safe, within what little space you have control over, because the last thing you'd want is to hurt people. However, that does not mean that you should be hurting yourself in the process.

You deserve the love that you weren't given properly as a child by the voldys, and you deserve love after everything you've been through. People consistently berate Time for being too slow or too fast, or for Time being a component of aging, or for there 'not being enough Time'.

But for me...

He brushes my grown out fringe out of my face.

There's more than enough Time when there's you. So, mar plij, take care of yourself. So we can both have Time.

My eyes water, and I nod. Neither of us need to say anything at this point. 

That was something only he could ever say.

Quietly, he pulls out a ready meal of what looks like parmesan chicken, and when he casts me a questioning look, I nod. He nods, his lips slightly upturned, and he ruffles my hair again.

Trugarez.