180 - A God, Medicating

Lin

So far, today has been pretty decent.

I took my medication for the first time, and whilst I am a tad on edge, the side effects are bearable.

My caseworkers have been cleaning out the office for the past two days, so it's been a bit chaotic. 

Not that I mind - I appreciate the company and attention, and I feel my neighbours probably do, too.

Though tomorrow, apparently most of the staff, if not all, will be in training.

But I do get the sense they'll still be contactable in case of emergencies.

Also, the medication seems to have left my spirituality well alone.

Which is always a good sign.

Honestly, I do feel a little bit fatigued.

Yet I feel that's mainly because my body's adjusting to the meds, and the fact that they stabilise my mood.

Physically, they have made me feel a teensy bit jittery.

However, this feels controllable to me, unlike some situations I've had with my anxiety.

Even my hot flushes have somewhat stabilised.

Which also feels alien to me, but there we go.

Unusually, today's tarot also seemed to contradict itself.

Normally, I wouldn't speak of the daily tarot readings I do for myself, but I got three major arcana cards, and something about that feels important.

Equivalents of The Tower, The Moon and The Star came up in my reading, in that order.

Whatever's going on, I haven't felt it yet. But whatever it is - I know it's going to be monumental. And perhaps it will indeed be a blessing on my life.

For now, I'm going to do my best to focus on what makes me happy.

Like writing this blog.

My Da walks in, and quietly hands me a box of steaming pork rigatoni, which is one of my favourite meals.

Ah! Trugarez!

He smiles.

Gant plijadur.

He ruffles my hair as he takes a seat.

So, you've begun taking meds for your struggles.

I nod.

I think part of me is ashamed that I couldn't just breathe through it.

He shakes his head, gently wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

Taking meds is nothing to be ashamed of if you need them, no matter what the voldys told you.

He rubs my shoulders.

Besides, these ones aren't interfering with your spiritual journey thus far, it seems, which is a good sign.

I nod.

I do feel a bit strange, though. Slightly disconnected from my feelings.

Ya. That can happen, sometimes. But right now, some of that is probably for your own good.

True.

Given that a lot of my nights recently up until me taking the meds have been anxiety fuelled, and the last conversation I had with someone from Shout was basically them trying to get me to call an ambulance, despite me verbalising that I couldn't do it myself due to the anxiety, I think Da's response is a fair one.

So long as my anxiety is abated temporarily, I should be fine, right?

He nods.

I would think so. Being a God means that you need a level head most of the time, but given the circumstances, it's perfectly understandable why you don't have that just yet. And that isn't your fault.

Often, Time Gods end up being in receipt of the most ire because we have so much control over people's lives, and the general passing of events over the multiverse. You, of all people, will likely bear the brunt further when people begin to realise that you're our leader now.

However...

He ruffles my hair again, clearly in an attempt to reassure me. It does work, at least partially.

That doesn't mean that people can't be taught about what our mission is, as Gods, nor does it mean that people won't ever understand why you've had to do what you've done.

He takes my hands in his.

And through all of this, you have us. So don't hesitate to call upon any of us if you need help. Alright?

I nod.

Alright.

Brav.

He smiles.

You know, you remind me a lot of Ananke.

Maman's ancestor, and the Moirai's mother? (You've probably already met her in a previous entry.)

In what way?

You're determined, and stubborn, in the best way possible. Your mother has always spoken about that, and I've gotten to see it a handful of times, too.

You're worthy of your titles, Lin. You have the temperament and the drive for it. Perhaps it's more that right now, you need a space from which to heal in, and that's perfectly ok.

The voldys taught you to march through pain, right?

I nod.

Well, I say do the opposite, unless there's no other way to survive.

You've dealt with enough for one lifetime, let alone all of the lifetimes you've experienced. You, of all people, deserve to live a life in which you know for sure that you are safe, and that there are people around you that care about you.

And I will do my utmost to facilitate that in your life. Alright?

Mat eo din.

He smiles.

Eat, if you can. If you can't, don't worry.

Carefully, I pick up the still steaming container along with the cutlery Da laid out for me, and I begin to eat. I restrain myself from wolfing the whole thing down out of a combination of politeness and avoiding exacerbating my anxiety through doing so.

He pats my back.

You're doing really well.

For a minute, I stare at him.

Could you stay? I don't want to be alone.

Of course.