180.5 - A God, Sifting

Lin

I've realised several things about why my anxiety surrounding both food and money had existed.

They were the two main things, aside from time, that the voldys made a point of withholding control over.

As I think about it now, I realise that all of my reactions have come from a place of a need to control those things.

Far from how bin boy put it, this has been a matter of coping for years for me, especially with regards to food - and it was exacerbated by his entitled behaviour.

Looking at it from a rational perspective whilst on meds actually makes it make far more sense.

So the voldys made a point of either starving me, underfeeding me, overfeeding or force feeding me at any given time. Whenever I wanted to communicate my needs to them, they would often either be dismissed or punished unless I fought for them, and it was a hugely unfair lottery as to whether or not said needs would be met even after that.

All of this has begged questions regarding my self worth, how deserving I am of respect (especially for my boundaries), what my needs actually are, whether my needs actually deserve respecting, and whether I deserve to be able to be healthy, happy and comfortable in life.

Of course I do. But given the trauma surrounding it all, including bin boy retraumatising me (which I now have reason to believe was deliberate), I think it's understandable that I've had issues surrounding how my identity and my worth as a being play into getting my needs met.

Given that bin boy made a point of consistently triggering me specifically in my kitchen, my assumption is that the aim was to get me incapacitated enough to allow world to kidnap me again.

Which, of course, didn't work, much to their ire - so bin boy decided to do the maximum amount of damage he could do and leave, as my power was growing, and I was on a roll to claim Highgate.

Now that I sift through everything that's happened to me from my childhood through my teen years to homelessness, the Summer Of Darkness and the present, everything fits together in a weird way.

Moreover, the fact that I'm realising all of this whilst on meds makes this enlightenment even more ironic - I don't think I could dig into my issues with food without some kind of medication balancing out my feelings.

The very idea that I possess unwarranted privilege is a weird one to me, given that growing up with the voldys, they were working class adults.

Even if they were white, they weren't rich - and they never treated me to any of the expensive things they bought voldy jnr, either.

In the end, the more I look at it, the more I notice that it was all just other people projecting their insecurities onto a particularly sensitive person who they thought they could use as a punchbag.

Well, those days are over.

My needs are my needs, my boundaries are my boundaries, and I refuse to have them be measured on a scale of 'too much'.

Unless there is genuine irrationality within my boundaries, I'll be ignoring anyone who tells me anything negative about my needs and boundaries.

Being a God consists of a need for at least decent products to maintain my basic needs - investing in expensive things for myself is technically both a part of my job and a part of my salary.

Jealous people can take a long walk off a short pier.

From what I can see, all of this happening to me was a huge construct to attempt to make me and my needs seem worthless.

To do that to a God is not only literal sacrilege, on Sim, it's a legitimate crime.

And the penalty for such a crime is death.

The voldys did this through restricting my access to my benefits and refusing to teach me how to cook, and bin boy did this by restricting my access to the kitchen, ignoring my boundaries and denigrating me, my needs and my lifestyle choices when faced with his other abusive actions.

Essentially, I was never wrong. 

I'll be the first to admit that my behaviour stemmed from trauma and I could have handled a lot of things better had I felt safer to do so, but given that I was consistently subject to reactive abuse, it's hardly surprising that whilst my reactions weren't fabulous, they were warranted.

Protecting my boundaries is a right. Fulfilling my needs is a right.

And most of all...

I have the right to exist, as myself.

As a God.