188 - A God, Getting By

Lin

Somehow, today hasn't been as bad as it was.

But I'm still anxious.

It's Friday night, so you know what that means.

The next three nights and two days are a free for all.

Honestly, I don't know if I'll make it through.

Yet I always do my best to try.

Given my track record, I should probably hold more faith in myself and my godliness.

My life has consisted of at least eight direct experiences of death, as well as several different types of heinous abuse that I experienced throughout my childhood. I'm lucky to be alive.

Frankly, if I can survive that, I should be able to survive this, too.

Not that I should have to tolerate it in the first place, but there you go.

All I want, honestly, is to not be alone - to have a trustworthy person with me right now.

I know it's highly unlikely to happen, but still.

However, somehow, it really does feel like there is hope.

I don't know why, but I do know what I feel - and I feel significantly less ill than I have over the past few days.

That has to count for something, to mean something, somehow.

People are waiting out there, even if I don't know it - and perhaps the seeds I've planted will grow without me even realising it.

In the nemeton, I find myself, yet again, lying in Terrence's lap. This time, though, I feel marginally safer than I did before.

Trugarez.

He shakes his head, gently massaging my scalp.

Of course. You need someone with you right now. Besides, you're my wife. I wouldn't leave you to deal with it on your own unless you asked for that - and even then, I'd be quite concerned if you did.

I nod, hit by a wave of drowsiness. He senses that, and lifts me up onto his chest.

This is probably more comfortable.

I smile.

Trugarez.

Do you think whatever this catharsis, joy, sadness I'm feeling, will last?

For a minute, Terrence seems to be deep in thought.

I would say this too shall pass.

He frowns.

It's not unpleasant, is it?

I pause.

Nann, but also ya.

My feelings are harder to sense this way.

But I think what I'm feeling is gratitude.

I never remember being diagnosed with alexithymia as part of my autism, as I always felt things quite strongly, and could articulate those feelings well to others. But sometimes, when I'm alone or experiencing spiritual occurrences, I struggle with which feelings are and aren't mine, and sometimes, with what feelings are present in the first place.

Being in a system means that I'm still having to come to terms with the fact that some of the emotions and feelings I experience aren't always directly mine, despite my experiencing them. It can be weird, but overall, I'm adjusting to the difference between mine and other's emotions in system. As I'm relatively empathic, it's easier said than done, even with people outside of me, yet I feel I'm doing a fairly decent job.

Given that we just got rid of bin boy's influence over you spiritually, it's probably no surprise that you're starting to feel some level of freedom again. Gratitude is probably compounded with relief there.

Ya. That was one of the main things that needed sorting.

He smiles.

And we did.

For a minute, we stay like that, snuggling in each other's arms, under my throw blanket. And for the first time in a while, my anxiety is significantly less than it was before. Whilst the tension is still present, I know that Terrence and everyone else here can and will keep me safe.

Karout a ran ac'hanout.

Even now, it feels blissful to say "I love you" in my native language. Terrence beams.

Karout a ran ac'hanout, ma kared.