234 - A God, Responsible

Lin

Every day seems to be the same lately.

All I seem to do is eat, sleep, excrete and write. 

Other than reading tarot, of course.

My life has been confined to this room in a cycle that I have no clue how to break.

I wish I knew how to.

Regardless of what pain I'd have to shove, at least there would be a chance of getting things to move.

Currently, I am lighting candles to set the unicorn in Saint Malo free.

The poor fellow has been trapped in some kind of bind in Christianised territory - and I sense his need to help others, to help my people.

Honestly, I want to do more, but I'm not sure I can.

Both in general and for the unicorn - everything seems so far away, so out of reach for me now.

Perhaps this is yet another test of my faith.

Well, what is life if not a consistent stream of trials of faith?

No matter how I put it, my future feels empty.

Frankly, that scares me.

Luck, I'm unsure of now.

Am I lucky? Or am I just reassuring myself to avoid my feelings of abandonment?

Because honestly, I do feel abandoned. By my caseworkers, by the government, by my friends, by my family, by the Universe.

I hate that I feel this way, but that's what it feels like to me. It feels like those seven years I spent alone in world's hands, wishing upon every name that existed that I could get out, somehow.

All I want is to heal my issues and be free.

Moreover maybe, just maybe, find peace and happiness in this incarnation.

Sometimes, I wonder why I chose this life, this timeline, out of all the ones I could have chosen.

Then again, it may have been the best one I could get without outright giving myself over to world at the time. Even then, I couldn't escape him.

During this time, though, it seems as though my cutting off the voldys and other toxic people has isolated me.

Having the empathic nature that I do, I suppose it isn't all that surprising that I've ended up isolating myself in the face of abuse again, nor is it any shock to anyone that I've tried to bury my problems as a result of said abuse, mainly because I didn't want to seem selfish.

Even now, that idea still bothers me.

Am I too much?

I want to be safe, to be happy, to be at peace with my life - but how can I do that when my heart spells out misery?

How do I take responsibility for these feelings?

As I think this, I hear a gentle tapping at the window. When I open the curtain, I stand face to face with the unicorn I just freed. He nickers, and I burst into tears.

Hey buddy, I'll be right there. Wait a moment?

He nods, snorting, and I open the front door, walking out into our front garden, to the unicorn, who approaches me affectionately.

Friend! Thank you for liberating me!

I would like very much to give you a gift, especially as you freed me despite being very sad.

I pause.

How did you know I'm sad?

He snorts.

Your godly aura is a muddled shade of blue, and your face is tear stained from hours of crying. So please, take this.

He nudges my left wrist with his snout, and a silver charm bracelet materialises onto it, with several different Celtic and Gaulish luck charms on it. I pet his face softly, sobbing again.

Trugarez, buddy. You're a real one.

He snorts again, surrounding me with a whole load of silver light.

Consider this my blessing, Litavis Dethmonias. You deserve to be happy.

The light enters through my chest and into my heart through to the rest of my body, both up and down.

May you always find the best of luck in your life.

With that, my new friend disappears, and I'm left standing on Aventana's porch, in awe of the interaction I just had.

Someone wraps their arms around my shoulders, and by the smell of cloves and cedar, I know it's Terrence.

You freed the unicorn, did you?

I nod.

He was sad. I couldn't let him live like that any more.

But I think it's strange that he was so kind to me. After all, I only took responsibility as both Head God and patron God of Breizh for his wellbeing. That's my job.

Terrence stares at me with the utmost love, and for a minute, I feel myself not worthy of it. But he gently turns my face to look at him, and responds with something I did not expect.

Perhaps he couldn't let you live with so much sadness, either.

Tears stream down my face again, and he takes me inside, setting me down on his lap on Aventana's sofa, arms still very much around me as he comforts me yet again.

How do you cope with me being like this?

Lovely, you know full well that I neither cope with you nor tolerate you. 

I love you. More than anything.

Weeping, I snuggle into his arms for a long time, letting myself dissolve into him, before coming up for air, and tissues, which he dabs my face with carefully.

You deserve to be happy, Vissie. And I'll do everything I can to make sure you are. Mat eo din?

Mat eo din.

Karout a ran ac'hanout.

Karout a ran ac'hanout, m'amoûr.