243 - A God, Downloading

Lin

I've had quite a few disconcerting dreams recently.

First about a pernicious brown pigeon that would not leave me alone, and now a werewolf that was quite ready to eat me, and would have, if I hadn't electrocuted it.

Like, fucking hell.

Honestly, I can't tell whether my third eye is wide open, or if I'm being spiritually attacked for the umpteenth time.

Unless of course, it's just me reliving memories.

Say that is the case, it still frustrates me, as it sets off my anxiety, and often, I don't know how to calm myself from it, as I don't know where it comes from, and therefore how to nip it in the bud.

Maybe this is also why I've struggled with moving on from people like Ali and Megan.

Because their reasoning has either been unclear or dissonant to the point where I cannot understand it, as I'm at such a high level mentally and spiritually that I cannot tolerate the dissonance, even if it's just to understand it - and truthfully, the idea of understanding things from their perspectives makes me feel like I would have to stoop to their level, as a result of my cohesion of their behaviour.

Aside from these disturbances, my day has actually been very relaxed.

Whilst I am worried about my money situation, I feel, somehow, that it will be sorted soon enough.

Even though my withdrawal symptoms have been more intense today, mood wise (besides the anxiety from waking up from naps), I have actually been fairly decent.

Peace has been one of the main sensations I've been feeling since I cleared out the unused Tastily boxes from my room, which was for my own wellbeing.

Despite me saying that, my mood, especially because of the heat, has been fluctuating significantly.

Currently, my body is dripping with sweat, and I'm fighting off some waves of anxiety.

Just as I'm thinking about this, Terrence quietly moves one of the air conditioners towards me, and instant relief fills my being as he drapes his arms around me.

Better, lovely?

A little bit.

He ruffles my hair.

Anxious?

I nod.

Scary.

He frowns.

Lovely...

Quickly, I find myself properly snuggled up in his arms on the sofa. And in spite of the heat, I feel comforted by this.

Trugarez, ma heol.

He smiles.

Ma plijadur.

Do you want to talk about it?

I nod.

I want to put this to bed.

Ever since the 30th of September last year, my anxiety, my depression, my C-PTSD has been ten times worse because of what Ali did. And ever since, somehow, I've felt unable to feel safe living. At all.

Ever since he attacked me, I've found it even harder to take care of myself. It's enough that people were calling me a tramp for struggling with my self care, which still hurts me, but being unable to take care of myself at all here, because I don't feel safe at the house? It's just ridiculous.

He projected his narcissistic behaviour onto me, tried to molest me, spiritually, digitally and verbally attacked me, tried to steal my trauma and claim it as his own, and ganged up on our system with his friends. 

It's already enough that I struggle to stand up for myself, and to take action on things that I love due to being punished for that, but then this? Sometimes it feels like karma's laughing at me.

Somehow, it feels like an endless cycle. I wish I could let this go, that I could let it go in a similar way that I dealt with the voldys. I'll admit that I haven't fully recovered from them, but at least with them, I had the confidence to do what I wanted. Now it just feels like I'm imprisoned all over again.

Terrence gives me a gentle squeeze.

You realise how brave you are to face the very kind of person who abused you, right? And not only did you face him, did you also get evidence against him to prove what kind of person he is. 

You won, Lin. You're intelligent, resourceful and you got the exact result you were looking for in spite of him, because he exposed himself as well as you gathering proof. You didn't fall for his bullshit and didn't let him walk all over you, and I'd say that is the way you should have handled it, because he seemed to have no sense of boundaries whatsoever, not to mention his entitlement. You showed him that he couldn't behave that way any more without consequences, and that's amazing.

As for what you consider to be incapability to do things, you had a trauma response - your undiagnosed C-PTSD has been protecting you from the possibility of the mistreatment you've experienced ever happening again. Him triggering that is not your fault, and if anything, facing everything head on the way you do despite the trauma you've experienced, again, is fucking brave. A brilliant friend of yours said you have balls of steel, and he was right. Heck, he still is right, you do. This has unfortunately branched off of it.

However, let me also point out that not only have you been eating and drinking better, have you also gotten off your meds, started taking your homeopathy again and using energy healing to deal with the stuff that therapy can't. As I said, you're resourceful and observant, and you deserve to be noticed for that, whether or not the voldys did. I know they didn't, because you've had an aversion to anyone calling you intelligent for a while now. They lied to you, and I hate them for that. But not the point.

Just because you aren't recovering in the way you want to, whether that's in terms of speed or the expectation or desire to open up about certain things or release certain things, doesn't mean that you've failed. You're recovering, lovely. That's not linear - nor does it have a set structure. You've done so well, and you deserve to be able to go after what makes you happy. You do. And that comes with the right amount of time and the right kinds of treatment, Vissie. Your self awareness is what's gotten you here. Remember that.

You're doing wonderfully.

The tears flow freely now, and Artio carefully passes Terrence the tissue box.

You realise that everyone here is proud of you, right?

I sob harder, and he rubs my back in a very soothing manner. 

We are. And you deserve to be proud of yourself, too.

Terrence nods.

You do, lovely. Always remember that.

He strokes my head as my breathing settles, and when my head pops up from his chest, he begins to dab at my face, illiciting giggles from the both of us.

Trugarez, ma kared.

He smiles, nuzzling into my neck.

Ma plijadur, m'amoûr.