247 - A God, Peaceful

Lin

I woke up extremely late today.

Despite this and my caseworker not communicating with me today, I'm actually in a very peaceful state of mind.

Besides, of course, being on my period.

Then again, being in the body of a sex that doesn't belong to you will always bring some form of discomfort, whether that is physical pain or not.

Frankly, I do feel fatigued, regardless of how long I've been awake.

Periods can fuck off, honestly.

Once I feel better, I'm going to continue to do my best to take care of myself.

Especially given the uncertainty of things in my life right now.

My feelings right now are overwhelming.

Currently, I have just done a large amount of healing, and the energy that I'm processing now have made my anxiety crop up in a way that had me considering suicide again.

Spiritual awakenings, especially, seem to be like this sometimes.

Honestly, it scares me, but I know it's only temporary.

Questioning one of the volunteers about my experience may help.

Given that they've been around for a few years, they can probably give me some informed advice.

Reading for it now, I realise where some of it is coming from.

Looking back on my childhood, I lived in constant fear of having things taken away, or not having enough to feel safe, or live.

Whilst I shared a home with the voldys, then fashion rat, then bin boy, their behaviours made me feel as though I couldn't get my needs met, despite me wanting to.

Because of the consistent reinforcement of this idea, I now have an anxious reaction almost any time anything feels out of my control, or when meeting my needs feels out of reach.

Knowing this, I may be a step further towards getting better.

Anxiety will lose this war against me. I'll see it done.

Just as I think this, we begin rowing from the Ille into the Renk (Rance, in French).

Yes, we're rowing further north. Why?

We're going to liberate St. Malo.

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