247.5 - A God, Misleading

Lin

Guess who fucked up again?

Ok, but in all seriousness...

So I caused myself another panic attack that had me feeling suicidal, by listening to Euclid by Sleep Token.

You would think that I would've learnt by now, wouldn't you?

However, in analysing myself and this pain, I realised something about all of the people who have abused me - and how I viewed them.

I wanted so desperately to be aligned with me, to grow with me, to be as decent as me.

Before you yell at me about being selfish, I know full well about free will.

Knowing that my resentment has ultimately come from unconditional love for everything doesn't exactly help matters.

Euclid helped me realise that I was holding onto these people because I wanted so desperately for them to be healthy and happy, to be self aware, to help themselves...

Ultimately, they chose a nastier, more abusive road.

Now, I can't forgive and forget, as it would be an insult to both my progression and my profession.

Contrairily, though, I have to let them go - for my own welfare.

All of that anger, that sadness, that fear... I no longer have the capacity to carry it, nor to feed them.

My heart can't take reliving this trauma in such a way any more.

I want to remember, but that will come with time.

First, I must let go.

And let God.

To be someone new.

I want to live.