269 - A God, Rationing

Lin

It seems that my fear truly has caught up with me.

My heart grows ever heavy with sadness, too.

Parts of me wonder if this God will die.

As my coffers are basically depleted, aside from one source of money I am fortunate to say that I have, my situation is troubling at best and dire at worst.

What's worse is that I can't go outside without someone - and the payment method I have requires that I go.

The irony of this situation seems to laugh at me.

Regardless of how much I pray, it feels like this time, there is no answer.

Somehow, it feels as though there's something to be ashamed of, and I've missed the joke.

Candidly, I can say this is partially my fault for not spending my money more wisely.

But to think that I'd be affected by a sudden decrease in benefits due to a terrible decision made without enough prior knowledge of my situation? It's far more than just painful.

From what I can feel, my family, my ancestors and spirit guides are absolutely seething about the situation.

Knowing that they care about me is the greatest comfort I can feel right now.

Voices that are not my own are very critical, though.

Queries of "what's the use of a king, a god, to their people if they can't even take care of themself?" seems to be the consensus among these ghosts.

Yet I know, somehow, that these voices are not here for me.

Equalling to their voices not mattering.

If they were indeed my family, there would be encouragement, love, undying support.

These irrelevant chatterboxes clearly aren't my family, friends, lovers or anyone else I would deem to have an important opinion on my life and work, because they don't know anything.

More to the point, though...

Aren't these the exact kinds of voices that put me in this situation in the first place?

Way to prove my point further...

Just as I'm rifling through these processes in my mind, someone ruffles my hair, before pulling me into a loving embrace.

You're more than worthy, and more than capable, of your duties and position. You and I both know that.

So I said all of that out loud...

Ma kared...

Terrence sighs, taking a seat as he further wraps me in my throw, and by extension, his arms.

I'm not going to hang around listening to you insult yourself just because you're finding self care difficult right now. Keep in mind just how much trauma you've experienced.

You, of all people, are probably the best suited to this position - your lived experiences and natural skill mean you deal with everything with everyone's best interests at heart. 

Your ambition has never solely been for glory - it's been to help people. You probably already know how important that is to do the job you do correctly.

Given everything you've experienced, the jobs you do now, and the fact that you keep everyone's wellbeing in mind whilst doing it makes you more than qualified.

You're perfect.

Surely enough, the tears stream down my face, and Terrence dabs at my face gently with a wad of tissue until I giggle.

That tickles!

He smiles, coaxing me to snuggle up to him further, which I do.

You aren't expecting me to turn into a rabbit again, are you?

Caught offguard, he laughs.

Now why would I think that?

He shakes his head, his face flushed.

You really are something else, you know that?

I grin, rubbing my head against his chest.

I couldn't help it. You mentioned it earlier.

He chuckles.

You are adorable in rabbit form, but I'd never ask you to shift for me. Not ever.

Just as I'd never ask anyone in your system to switch.

I nod.

Initially, I brought it up as a joke, because our first meeting ended with me turning into a rabbit - we were on a rescue mission as sell swords in the Midas Quadrant, and I'd had to go to help Bailey get out, as she'd gone in as intelligence, and quickly found herself unable to get out.

Rescuing Terrence alongside Bailey was unexpected, but welcome, and we ended up having to evacuate everyone, but not before I covered everyone else's escape by fighting some particularly low vibrational reptilians, one of whom dealt me a moderate gash to my arm, which had to be treated.

The combination of injury and treatment made me feverish, to the point where I was... very open to some dark, dense energy. Terrence's choice to comfort me in that moment was what caused me to turn into a rabbit, which I almost never do, not even with some members of my family. (There are exceptions, of course.)

Soon, it became an inside joke about how I rarely get comfortable with people, the spontaneity of how I express how I feel about people, and how the rabbit transformation is the ultimate symbol of trust.

Frankly, for a Sal person like me, it's embarrassing, as I had no control over that, which I usually would if I had been well and conscious enough to control said transformation. But it's Terrence, so he ended up being more than worthy of the trust I put in him.

Trugarez.

He raises an eyebrow.

For what, m'amoûr?

For taking care of me all this time.

He sighs good naturedly, stroking my head.

You always thank me for the bare minimum.

I shake my head.

It's important for me to acknowledge you - whatever happens, you deserve that much.

I pause.

Besides, you deserve to be acknowledged and praised for being the decent person you are, and doing an amazing job in spite of world. It would be sad, and likely would make you sad, if that wasn't acknowledged.

Karout a ran ac'hanout. Of course I hate the idea of seeing you sad.

He squeezes me ever so slightly tighter, his hands finding my back.

Karout a ran ac'hanout. You sure know how to make me feel important, don't you lovely?

You are important.

I can sense his sorrow even now, so I give him a light peck on the cheek, which seems to pull him right out of it.

I know, lovely. Maybe I just needed the right pair of eyes to see it.

And before I know it, I'm kissing him, and he's kissing me, in this hotel room in the City of London, reminded that I liberated a metropolis yesterday. His hands run down my body and I just know, that right now-

I couldn't imagine wanting to be anywhere else.