274 - A God, Understanding

Lin

Over the course of today, I've realised something.

My perception of unconditional love is skewed.

Throughout my life, so called 'unconditional love' was used by my abusers as a tool to manipulate me into doing and being whatever they wanted me to be.

By now, you've probably figured out that the voldys' love for me, world's love for me, the cult's love for me, was by no means unconditional - not like mine has been.

Yet it's taken me this long to admit it.

I think that due to my abuse, and the consistent use of the term 'unconditional love' in the spiritual community, it's felt shameful to face up to how dangerous and damaging that phrase can be when used in the wrong way.

Quite honestly, I hate the phrase.

Unconditional love feels like a fallacy in the case of most beings. Unfortunately, as a God, I know it exists because I myself feel it for others, but I'm insanely damaged due to how its name has been used against me.

Perhaps that's why it's been hard to let anyone in - because love just 'being' always came with some kind of abuse for me.

Love could never 'just be' for me, because no love that I've experienced as me has ever come without some kind of condition.

Said conditions, unfortunately, have come with being me - with being Lin.

Within our system, I have played the role of host, psychological and sexo-spiritual protector for a long time now. I think it's natural that I would be cynical after all I've been through to protect everyone in system.

And whilst it is my duty, I can't help but feel some level of resentment that I can't always accept the help I need, even when I want to.

Not to mention not being given help despite very clearly asking for it, or explaining a situation in enough detail that the next steps are obvious enough that it could be sorted fairly quickly, were it being paid attention to.

Due to the combination of lack of attention, trauma from abuse and numerous other experiences with both bureaucratic systems and individuals, I think quite a bit of my worldview is beginning to lean into being downright misanthropic.

Given how I've been made to wait to do anything as remotely life changing as moving away, and the sheer number of times that help and support has been seemingly discouraged for me, despite my needing it (badly), I think it's perfectly understandable and reasonable that I would feel like this.

Just as I'm sifting through this in my mind, Terrence wraps his arms around me. 

He knows. Of course he knows.

Do you want to talk about it?

I sigh.

Not really, but I need to.

Taking a deep breath, I allow myself to express everything I need to.

For most of my life, the idea of unconditional love has always come with some kind of debt that can never be repaid. There's always some kind of toll for the kind of love or attention you need or want. And honestly? I don't think I have the resources to pay for that any more.

I want to be able to give, without asking for anything in return, but right now, with how my resources look, it's not possible. 

All I want is to know that I won't have to pay in my own blood to get what I need and want, and that people would be willing to help me regardless of what I can offer. I want to be that sort of person, too, who people can go to in order to get help - someone who can give of themself easily, without needing or wanting anything in return.

Yet it never feels like I do enough for other people, or that my work, even me myself, is ever good enough for other people - because the negativity I carry, the debts I've had to shake, the needs I have that I'm obliged to fulfil, are all too much for most people.

Lovely...

It hurts, Tech...

It hurts so much...

For a long time, I find myself sobbing in Terrence's arms, with him murmuring words of comfort into my hair, his hands drifting up and down my body. Said movements make me extremely comfortable as he offers me the box of tissues, which I take gratefully.

I like being Head God, but I want to be able to trust again. It doesn't feel like I ever will.

Terrence raises an eyebrow.

You trust me though, don't you?

I nod without hesitation.

I'd trust you with my soul.

He smiles, pulling me back into his embrace, the scent of pine blissfully smacking me in the nose.

Then what is there to worry about, m'amoûr?

If you can trust me, then there's always the chance you can trust others. Heck, I'm sure there are a few other people you already do trust.

You won't feel this way forever. I'll make sure of that. Mat eo din?

Snuggling into his chest, I smile, sensing his hands running through my hair and down my back, soothing whatever heartbreak remains.

Mat eo din.

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