295 - A God, Drained

Lin

I can finally admit to myself that I'm probably burnt out.

Creatively, I always seem to have an abundance of ideas, yet my body, energy wise, is always keeping score.

Honestly, it makes me feel so powerless.

The irony of me being a God, but unable to function properly as a living being, let alone do my job consistently, is a bitter one.

My energy levels are always inconsistent, my mind refuses to rest (especially as part of a system of multiple alters) and I feel wholly inadequate as a person and as a God.

Perhaps what I truly need to let go of is the shame of needing a prolonged period of rest, and the shame of having needs that aggravate others. 

Really, the shame probably goes deeper than that - like having needs in general, especially needs that are different from everyone else's, that mean that I get concessions that other people don't.

Which has been a theme since primary school, but it only seemed to become more of an issue with others once I got into secondary school, where I was harassed about it relentlessly, despite my needs being very clear. Ever since, people have often used my needs, and by extension, my autism, as a reason to criticise and abuse me - some, not so bad, whilst others, like bin boy's and the voldys' behaviour, stretch beyond unacceptable.

Letting go is a process, and frankly, I'm not sure I know how to do it with them.

Acknowledging that they were wrong and apologising would be a start, but I highly doubt that I'd ever get that from them - nor that they'd mean it. They'd most likely use it as a means to abuse me all over again, which I refuse to tolerate a third time.

Giving it to Nemesis may be a better idea.

Justice against wrongdoing is her domain - and leaving it to her, even if I don't see it, would provide me with much more relief, especially given that she is family, and therefore, trustworthy. (Whilst this can't be said for all families, this can be said for my real family.)


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