48 - A God, Against All Odds

Lin

For the first time in more than a month, I went outside.

I don't think I've had to pull through so many panic attacks in my life.

I don't think it was solely a result of me not eating for a few hours, but my mental state was constantly imagining me having an uncontrollable panic attack in the street, or Rickmansworth somehow managing to take me because I bought a scratchcard.

Really, it was all needless paranoia. But I have to make it stop.

What is it that I'm afraid of? The only thing that comes to mind is being taken advantage of.

Now that I think about it, mrs voldy was always the one to tell me that I was vulnerable.

I've never truly been hugely vulnerable. The only time I remember almost getting sucked into something on my own was when I almost got involved in Scientology.

And that was mainly because I was tired and the man I spoke to seemed nice.

I don't think that I've ever felt this fragile.

And feeling weak makes me very fucking angry.

I am not here to be disempowered by anybody, and that's that.

I won't have it.

For once, the breathing I was doing, and my mental reassurances, along with other people's in system, seemed to help.

Neither of them should have been needed, though.

One thing does worry me though, and it's that whenever I exert myself physically, I get pain in what feels like my left kidney.

I may actually need to see a doctor for that.

Given that I'm pretty sure I've been stabbed in that area before, if they were to find an injury or abnormality, it wouldn't surprise me.

That abnormality, if it's hormone related, may also be part of what triggers my panic attacks.

Either way, I don't like it, but I'll probably have to have an MRI.

If I want to make sure I don't have something like cancer, I need to get it checked.

But if it does end up being an injury, I may very well have proof of what happened to me in the cult, and therefore proof of some of my memories.

Whichever one it is, I should see someone for it.

Whatever happens, against all odds, I'll make it out of here.

I'll make it so.

As I make this promise, a small notebook with an eye on it appears on my altar in the nemeton. A post-it note stuck to the front waves at me.

"Diolch for the potion, cousin.

Stay hapus,

- Morfran"

The whole response is like a warm hug.

I'll stay happy for you, cousin.

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