80 - A God, Marvelling

Lin

My body has been through the muck today.

Honestly, I'm marvelling at how I'm still alive.

I haven't been able to have a proper meal for almost two days straight.

It isn't brilliant, I know, but I haven't been feeling it given the fact that I chose to put certain spicy stuff into my ramen, knowing full well that it could put me off.

A lot of people would tell me at this point that I should eat anyway, but given some of my physical reactions to eating some things earlier, I need to put some of my Law Of Attraction stuff to use.

Yes, I've gotten back into some of the Law Of Attraction stuff that I was into before I left - and it's really helped me keep my head on straight, somehow.

I've been able to find a good mood within all of this stuff because of it.

I'm trying to find my flow state again so that I can get into it regularly instead of allowing my anxiety to get to me.

I think I'm almost there, as music seems to really help, especially if it's upbeat.

Something about The Oh Hellos for me recently has felt incredibly healing for me.

Especially Lapis Lazuli. Something about the lyrics and the whole premise of the song itself feels really personal to me, like there's something else that I have yet to see.

As Tyler asks, what did I miss?

But something about not knowing what I've missed yet feels somewhat joyous, instead of frustrating. Like it's supposed to stay hidden a little longer.

Of course, I can manifest it to come out of hiding, if I wish it. I manifest everything instantly, as does everyone. Time delays don't exist without being made.

And that's just among some of the many things that I've learned through my new online expedition.

I've been watching things and putting stuff into practise, and so far, it's worked for me.

I know there are some blocks I'm clearing right now, which I absolutely will deal with.

During my time with the voldys, my brain got very clogged up with a load of bullshit, and as a result, I was low vibrational for a while. Now though, I won't be that way.

Sure, I still have a lot left to learn, but I'm more than happy to learn it.

I'm going to continue to live and thrive like I should.

And you will. You haven't been eating, though.

Metis frowns. I didn't expect her to return so soon, but she must have sensed that I was having an emergency food wise.

Yeah. It's been rough.

You said it yourself before about the idea of lack the voldys put into your head about things like expenses. That is not your fault. However, you also shouldn't continue to live like that.

Yet again, she's right. I shouldn't be depriving myself of anything at their expense. Come to think of it, most of what I'm experiencing right now, I can almost guarantee there's a root to it in what the voldys would say to me about it.

For instance, showers are difficult for me, as I have sexual trauma with regards to using them. However, I also have trauma with regards to them always getting angry with me for 'taking too long' in there, trying to time me in there and making a point of not allowing me autonomy as to when I could or couldn't shower, even when I was almost a fully grown adult.

Food and cooking was the exact same, except I was never allowed in the kitchen in the first place to cook things, other than perhaps ramen, toasties or microwaveable food. voldy jnr was allowed to try making new foods, but I never was. Most of my time in the kitchen was spent getting groped whilst I did the dishes. When I said I was a slave, I meant it.

A lot of this is stuff that I never outright mentioned for fear of the shame that I'd feel, or of the idea that I would be blamed instead of people actually getting a realistic perspective of what was happening to me: that my growth was being stunted by my kidnappers. Not that anyone knew they'd kidnapped me, but I suppose that's one of many things that people at that time wouldn't have known.

Even the vulnerability aspect of things I knew wasn't true either, as I could travel and memorise travel routes really well, even before I left. I have an extent of photographic memory to do with what certain routes look like outside if I use Google Maps to ascertain my route. At one point at school, I was also given a 'curfew' to be back by, because at one time I decided to spend some of my time after school with my then girlfriend and her brother until perhaps 4 or 5pm. Which shouldn't have really been an issue, if I'd been allowed to do it in the first place. I wasn't even allowed to stay after school to place in the talent show auditions because mrs voldy wanted me to be home immediately.

This whole time, in all truth, there hasn't really been anything I couldn't do. There were things, like even me learning guitar, that I wasn't allowed to properly learn as a result of being prevented from doing so by both mrs voldy and voldy jnr, who would either deliberately 'take naps' conveniently whenever I wanted a practise session (mrs voldy), or would make a point of entering my room without my permission for the purpose of 'teaching me' (voldy jnr). They both knew exactly what I was doing, and didn't care that I needed to learn alone, without having to worry about anyone else. Now, as a result, in shared, I can barely get out my guitar or sing loudly for fear of disrupting my neighbours somehow.

All of it has its roots back in the voldys' abuse, and none of those beliefs I accrued as a result are true.

And because bin boy chose to push all of those buttons in that argument with me (as well as pretending to be autistic, which I know he's not), I got transported all too far into my own past. Sure, it may not be all him, but he definitely makes up a fair portion of whose fault it is.

This idea of me being burdensome was not something my real parents would have taught me, and I know this. The voldys, bin boy and fashion rat (who also complained about how long I took in the bath or shower in shared) all contributed somewhat to my lack of self care. And whilst I am an adult and some of these things are my responsibility to deal with, they ought to pay the price for not letting me grow in my own way, in my own time.

Now I know that I need an entire space to myself to do that, I know I'll be ok once I move out.

You seem to have had a huge realisation here.

To be honest, it's been here for a while. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

If these beliefs are a problem, why not list what beliefs you want to replace them somewhere?

I could. I mean, the lady I've been watching recently said to list the limiting beliefs I had around manifestation, and from there, to cross them out and make new ones.

That is definitely a good idea.

As we're talking, Mannanán passes me a bowl of ramen.

After all that, you're going to want to eat.

I take the steaming bowl from his hands, and he smiles.

Gura mie ayd.

Of course.

Athena wraps me in my throw, and we all sit by the TV in the nemeton.

So, what do we want to watch?